Monday, February 27, 2006

sick and tired of this shit


between this bitch

my brother carl

and that god damned cowbell gene that goes around pretending that he is running for satan

i am damn sick and tired of this shit

i gave you people everything

i gave you anal

i gave you oral

i gave you the dirty sanchez the hot carl the glass bottom boat and the vietnamese ham sandwich

meanwhile jesus christ tells you not to do that shit


then i get this shit

clowns walking around wanting to vote me out or get rid of me

what else can i do

how can i get you to love me

what else can i possibly give you to make you love me

fuck

Thursday, February 23, 2006

dont call me stan


one thing i fucking hate is when people call me stan

when i was in grade school the teacher would always take attendence the first day of school


when my name was called it was always misread as stan

then i would have to say it is pronounced satan

and she would apologize and all the kids would giggle

the next year the same thing would happen all over again

now i am grown up and the same shit still happens to me all the time

ill be waiting for a table at my neighborhood restaurant and the host or hostess will be calling out names and will say table for stan

when this happened last friday i went apeshit and roasted the little bitch right where she stood


needless to say i am never allowed back in that restaurant

dont fucking call me stan

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

on the continent of the incontinent



i fucking love europe

especially french people

french people are mine

especially the ones that leave their dog shit all over the streets

paris is great for this

i love to sit at a sidewalk cafe in paris and watch people come around a corner and step in dog shit


give me a glass of wine and a sharp busy corner on the edge of an apartment district with a bunch of dog owners living there next to a restaurant district with a bunch of tourists eating there and i am totally in hell

living the dream

hell is where the good times roll

Sunday, February 19, 2006

the one that got away



this is the story of the one that got away

fucking al green

during the 1970s i had him dead to rights

thanks to me he got more tang than the astronauts

thanks to me he got more fairy tail than grimm

thanks to me he got more pelt than kit carson

thanks to me he was laying more pipe than halliburton

and this is what that fucker looked like

he was rich and fucking a ton and successful as hell and loving it

and it was all because of me

i did that for him


but then i got marvin gaye shot to death by his own father




marvin had sort of stopped listening to me as much

and he was starting to get demanding and i was just sick of his shit

also it was supposed to help al green and his career

one less soul singer equals less competition was the thinking

that is why i did it

but did al see it that way

no fucking way



anyway so marvin gets killed and that pathetic bitch al green got scared

that chickenshit al green ran to jesus

fuck

and now he is always singing about jesus this and the lord that

i could just fucking puke

i gave that fucking al green the world and he handed me a shit sandwich


looks like i gave my orders to the wrong daddy

no way mg would have punked me

Thursday, February 16, 2006

on health and hygiene

i hate dental hygienists

i hate fluoride

i love partially hydrogenated

it took me forever to come up with trans fat


then i finally get you people to put it in everything and now youre taking it out again

im tired

and fuck those yoga people





fuck snoopy

that doesnt have anything to do with hygiene

I just like saying it fuck snoopy

sometimes i do little things just to fuck around

like persistent dandruff and canker sores and toenail fungus

venereal warts were sort of counter productive but too much fun to resist


all that aromatherapy shit sucks

i love colostomy bags

i hate purell hand sanitizer and clorox bleach and deodorant

kittens taste better with cheez whiz

especially this one

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

happy anti-valentines day



yesterday was valentines day

everyone was all i love you and shit

i fucking hate valentines day

today is anti-valentines day and i want you to be my anti-valentine

i want to give you a pearl necklace for this special occasion

would you like to go to this party with me


or shall we just go to your place and get evil

i lust you

wal-mart is mine


i made wal-mart

Monday, February 13, 2006

what a dream i had


i had a dream yesterday afternoon because i don't sleep at night

i buy souls at night

i was in a park with green grass and there was blue sky and there were flowers on the trees

there was a pretty pond off in the distance and it looked kind of like this picture i found

i did not enjoy this part of the dream

i do not enjoy pretty scenery

i think it was in north carolina or something

i hate green grass and water and ponds unless someone is drowning in one then i like ponds

i was naked but i am always naked

a bus drove by and one of the people on the bus saw me but since i did not like the way he looked at me i made an armored car driver have a seizure and he crashed into the bus and everybody on the bus died including the person who looked at me in the way i did not like

it was fantastic

of course i do not really have the power to make people fall asleep

my powers are limited

i can only make people fall in love with me

but back to the dream

shannon was there and so was psychic dumb dumb

psychic dumb dumb had part of shannon in her mouth

a good part

i loved that part of the dream

tonight i am going out on the town

drop me a note and tell me where to find you and i will be there

of course even if you do not drop me a note i will find you anyway

i am satan

i never get enough of this guy


i love this guy

he is a fucking genius in my world

he loves to kill shit and blow shit up

and now this

cheney shoots hunting buddy

dick

he traded his soul to me for fifty shares of halliburton stock

worst deal i ever made since i would have easily taken it later for free and now that stock is worth some real cash thanks to his never ending efforts to turn human lives into halliburton gold

i am going to challenge him to a fiddle playing contest in which i get the stock if i win and he gets his soul back if he wins

although he probably wont take that bet because his soul isnt worth two shits

oh well i need to get back to corrupting nuns and stuff and of course defiling erin obrien

Saturday, February 11, 2006

how evil are you


How evil are you?


i knew it

i am not evil

i am merely insane

eveyone has been calling me evil for as long as i can remember

nobody understands me

Thursday, February 09, 2006

wwsd wednesday



sausage/ihatesausage/artistformerlyknownassausage asked

I started a cult and because it wasn't an "organized religion," the stupid followers thought they could make suggestions and shit. My question is, how do I get them to kill themselves without having to be all charming? Oh, and where do I find a 5 gallon bucket of poison?

*********************************************************************************
sausage i face this dilemma daily

i get behind thee can sometimes be a total pain in the ass with all of his stupid suggestions on how to run hell better

then i get screwballs that want to run against me in elections for satan

this is an unavoidable problem when you are the leader of any sort of religious antireligious or cult group

they think they are being helpful by offering up suggestions and just dont realize that we really dont give a fuck if things run better as long as they run our way

all you can do is keep your pimp hand strong

the second part of your question is much more difficutl

how do you get them to kill themselves without being charming

as you can see i am charming

while in the recruiting stage you have to be charming

there is no substitute

once you have them in your possession or under your control you can shut the charm off and use intimidation and humiliation as effective tools to accomplish your bidding

i suggest you apply the fake charm for a while and then test their dedication by asking your followers to do something horrible that they wouldnt otherwise do

if they do it then they are completely under your control and you can give up the charm charade

if they do not do it then you may need to continue the charade a little longer perhaps declare a couple of the more cooperative ones as your deputies so that the others think that there is upward mobility

once you have an organizational structure including your cooperative deputies in place convince the deputies to carry out your dirty work for a while


soon you will have your minions completely under your control and then you can do with them as you wish

but clearly charm and charisma are necessary evils to achieve your goals

once you get to this point you dont need to worry about how to get a five gallon bucket of poison

just tell one of your deputies to hook the hose up to the cultmobile and herd everyone into the garage

good luck with your cult and i suggest getting ordained on the internet so that you can take all of the income as a tax deduction

Monday, February 06, 2006

Ooops - did I do that


i talk a guy into drawing a couple of cartoons and all hell breaks loose

damn i am good







next i get some muslim dudes to call all of you a bunch of infidels and the next thing you know i have all of you killing each other in the name of religion

dance puppets

you are all mine

Friday, February 03, 2006

TGIF...IGBT Style Dawg!


Satan's hung over from a huge croquet torney we hit yesterday; you should see the MILF rolling knee deep at these croquet tournies. Damn!

Anyhow, since Satan is currently kneeling to the porcelain anti-christ, I'm up in this beeotch! I'm runnin this shizzneat for the day. Ladies, lemme hear ya!

Look at my delicious mini-horns. Check out my dope loin cloth. You think anyone wants a roundhouse to the face while I'm wearin these bad boys? Forget about it!

OK, which honey shall I get behind first? Say 'Daddy'!