Thursday, February 09, 2006

wwsd wednesday



sausage/ihatesausage/artistformerlyknownassausage asked

I started a cult and because it wasn't an "organized religion," the stupid followers thought they could make suggestions and shit. My question is, how do I get them to kill themselves without having to be all charming? Oh, and where do I find a 5 gallon bucket of poison?

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sausage i face this dilemma daily

i get behind thee can sometimes be a total pain in the ass with all of his stupid suggestions on how to run hell better

then i get screwballs that want to run against me in elections for satan

this is an unavoidable problem when you are the leader of any sort of religious antireligious or cult group

they think they are being helpful by offering up suggestions and just dont realize that we really dont give a fuck if things run better as long as they run our way

all you can do is keep your pimp hand strong

the second part of your question is much more difficutl

how do you get them to kill themselves without being charming

as you can see i am charming

while in the recruiting stage you have to be charming

there is no substitute

once you have them in your possession or under your control you can shut the charm off and use intimidation and humiliation as effective tools to accomplish your bidding

i suggest you apply the fake charm for a while and then test their dedication by asking your followers to do something horrible that they wouldnt otherwise do

if they do it then they are completely under your control and you can give up the charm charade

if they do not do it then you may need to continue the charade a little longer perhaps declare a couple of the more cooperative ones as your deputies so that the others think that there is upward mobility

once you have an organizational structure including your cooperative deputies in place convince the deputies to carry out your dirty work for a while


soon you will have your minions completely under your control and then you can do with them as you wish

but clearly charm and charisma are necessary evils to achieve your goals

once you get to this point you dont need to worry about how to get a five gallon bucket of poison

just tell one of your deputies to hook the hose up to the cultmobile and herd everyone into the garage

good luck with your cult and i suggest getting ordained on the internet so that you can take all of the income as a tax deduction

21 Comments:

At 11:50 AM, Blogger PDD said...

Heed Satan's advice and you shall walk on water... or fly... like Jungle Jane and THC AKA HMH

Boo Boo the chicken is excluded from these activities.

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger YellowSock said...

Wow Big Guy, I never realized it would be so much work. Becoming ordained was the easy part. I give you double props now that I realize how tough a job it is.

Thanks for the advice. I'll call my CPA right now.

Oh, and Psy-D, I know chickens aren't real.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger The Rev. Willie Horton Heat said...

yo satan, git yo cracka pimpin ass over here. Im a bad boy wit a lotta hos. Yo playa Carl be gangbangin wit us niggas now muthafucka!

Ain't no killin', everybody's chillin' they cracka asses!

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Jasmine said...

Well, I happen to think you are pretty charming regardless...

-xoxo

Jasmine

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

::nipple torture::

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger DEATH said...

Those guys are always trying to give me books and wont leave me alone when I pass them on the street. I cant believe they think they can enlighten me, I ask them what is good about being me, watching people die all the time. Then they say it cant be that bad, just give me $5 and read my book. Then I take my hood off and they go running. And I was gonna buy their book.

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Satan said...

death do you have any additional advice on how to get sausages cult members to kill themselves

bill you know i am all about the nipple torture stop on by any time

 
At 5:22 PM, Blogger YellowSock said...

I'm confused...is nipple torture a way to intice followers, be charming or make them kill themselves? Or is that the answer to everything?

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger PDD said...

Till death do us part...

Death, I think your on to something good. More research would help. The internet is a great source, but you have to shuffle through a lot of nonsense. Many things are inaccurate. The library. That's a good source. I've never heard of anyone saying that the library was inaccurate. Yes, the library...till death do us part...

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger PDD said...

By the way, I'm not at work. This is the first time i'm blogging away from work. I'm drinking wine. I'll tell you the kind once I go down stairs to fill the glass again. I'm very happy Satin. I have never had much in life. The little things keep me going. Have always been appreciative of the little things... like say... lint. Yes, lint I can appreciate. Do you find any value in lint, Satan?

If you say yes or no to this question I will follow your path...

 
At 10:24 PM, Blogger Satan said...

you will follow my path either way

you are mine

you are all mine and you know it

nipple torture is not a way to make them kill themselves it is just fun

i will pick the lint out of your ass using my tongue

follow that path

 
At 12:31 AM, Blogger PDD said...

Indeed.

I have not wilnots.

 
At 1:43 AM, Blogger jungle jane said...

i wish to join a destructive cult. where do i sign up? will i have to get my tits out? are there membership fees? is it okay to belong to several cults?

I will put my soul up on Ebay for whoever has the dirtiest sex. please bid in Australian dollars. Thank you.

 
At 5:22 AM, Blogger Denny Shane said...

hey there satan! I thought I would stop on down and see what ya got going here. Nice digs, a tad warm though... isn't the a/c working?

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

I am going to start a cult called the SAHM's, which will stand for Stay At Home Moms or Suck Ass Ho MotherFuckers, depending on my mood.

Love,

Erin

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger crabcake said...

Don't mind me. I just came over to get a better pic of you Satan. You know....for your makeover.

We're gonna have so much fun!

Hi everybody! Good luck with your cult stuff and all.

C'mon Satan. We have a LOT of work to do on you, mister.

Don't be scared. I'm very good at this. You'll look faBU!

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger Bad Habit Brota said...

Mass cult suicide? No problem.

Take a lesson from the master. I'm sure he's in hell with you if you have any questions.

Keep in mind, not only would all that Kool-Aid (Flavor-Aid seems to have gone out of business, I wonder why) be inexpensive, but it would also be a tax writeoff as a business expense.

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger DEATH said...

Satan, pretend to be a normal person on the street passing by. Then when they approach you tell them you want to join and spread the word. Now that your in the door, do what your best at. Preform a false miracle and make them think your their messiah. Now all you have to do is be creative.
Like make a bunch of wings out of chicken feathers. Then hover over the Grand Canyon and tell them that they need to fly to you. Then have I get behind thee pretend to be one of them and have him fly over to you. Then they will begin to flap their wings and jump. Then if there are some people who wont, just get some cattle lined up to stampede in there direction. Im sure they will jump, its much better than being trampled. Believe me Ive seen this before.

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger Satan said...

ahhh my good friend jimmy jones

we hang

that guy is a nut

he is always trying to slip something into my drink

crabcake i look forward to the makeover

perhaps after the makeover we can have some glamorshots taken

death you know i dont need any help with this

i was asking for sausage

she is new to this whole cult mass suicide thing and needs some pointers

i just take delivery of them when you finish your work

teamwork is important

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger Hale Bopp said...

oh fuck man! do you have to show that crazy ass marshall applewhite fucker!

because of that asshole, i'm fucking dead!

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger crabcake said...

For anyone standing in line waiting for Satan's glam shots....you should know, there will be a delay.

Pssst. Satan, damn it...where's the photographer? I know you took her! And you have to put her back!

 

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