Sunday, February 11, 2007

satans interview with a wanna be anti christ

i recently met with one of my personal favorite humans to discuss his potential employment in the official capacity as antichrist

ted haggard

you may recall that ted was the leader of the national association of the evangelicals and a sometimes advisor of president bush

ted has been an outspoken advocate against the sins of homosexuality and preached his teachings from a podium from which he had the ear of nearly thirty million other humans

thirty million people

my blog isnt quite reaching that many yet but i am working on it using individual soul collection which admittedly is taking longer than i expected

nevertheless back to ted

last year his tune changed
he was no longer singing the teachings of the bible
he was singing show tunes

ted was having homosexual relations with his personal trainer and masseuse while using meth

i am not going to lie to you

this guy had some promise as a potential antichrist which is why i agreed to talk to him about his application

as you may know the antichrist is alleged to be in league with me and will bring about the apocolypse the mark of the beast and other such tremendously funny shit

the antichrist according to the fairy tale legend and or biblical scholars is supposed to come disguised as a religious leader and then pretty much fuck all of you non believers and those who dont believe quite enough to make the fundamentalists happy and of course those of you who believe the wrong thing

personally i like the story and would watch it if they made it into a made for tv movie costarring judith light therefore i decided to give ted an interview for the position of antichrist and discuss both his shortcomings as a christian leader and ultimately why i cant consider him as a serious antichrist candidate

as a christian religious leader i must say that i loved him and wanted him to stay in that role as he was clearly mine

unfortunately all good things must come to an end and i cant deny that i enjoyed his fall almost as much as his success in the church

his fall knocked out one more brick from the faith of nearly thirty million people

thirty million people

thirty million people believed in ted and teds public humiliation was also theirs

since he was out of work as a religious leader we talked about his application for the position of antichrist

as you should know if you have been following my teachings at all the antichrist must be someone who really looks trustworthy and devout

this shit really calls for some stealth and you cant just use some guy who has been hanging out at gay bars and frequenting meth dealers

even most of you stupid humans could see through that

now he is trying to rehabilitate himself but the damage is done with respect to his career of antichrist

apparently his latest press release says that he has gone to counseling and is completely heterosexual

i asked him about this cure and he said that he hardly ever thinks about long hard beautiful sumptuous penis any more

it may work on the general populace of fundamentalist christians who believe that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured but it wont get the rest of you to follow him and it is really the more educated among you that will be the tough sale

so i finished the interview with ted and gave him this lovely parting gift and suggested that he return to the ministry where he is most useful to me

Friday, February 02, 2007

originating obscenity since the dawn of time

the pitchfork is mine

as you know

sometimes when i didnt have a pitchfork handy and i was pissed at some fucker i would make a gesture with my hands putting my fingers in the shape of the tines of a pitchfork

we called this flipping the pitchfork

but flipping the pitchfork is complicated and was capable of ambiguous interpretation

one time i got three coney islands from some asshole that didnt ignored me when i said i didnt want any ice in my coke for example

why the fuck would i want ice in my coke

ice is my kryptonite for fucks sake

so i came up with something better

and now flipping the bird is mine

its easier

sloth rules

so more of you fuckers do it

and that means things are looking up for the job security of the greeters at the gates of hell

so do me a favor today

flip somebody the bird while your driving home

or if youre feeling ambitious flip somebody the pitchfork

either way

you are mine