Sunday, February 11, 2007

satans interview with a wanna be anti christ



i recently met with one of my personal favorite humans to discuss his potential employment in the official capacity as antichrist

ted haggard

you may recall that ted was the leader of the national association of the evangelicals and a sometimes advisor of president bush

ted has been an outspoken advocate against the sins of homosexuality and preached his teachings from a podium from which he had the ear of nearly thirty million other humans

thirty million people

my blog isnt quite reaching that many yet but i am working on it using individual soul collection which admittedly is taking longer than i expected


nevertheless back to ted

last year his tune changed
he was no longer singing the teachings of the bible
he was singing show tunes

ted was having homosexual relations with his personal trainer and masseuse while using meth

i am not going to lie to you

this guy had some promise as a potential antichrist which is why i agreed to talk to him about his application

as you may know the antichrist is alleged to be in league with me and will bring about the apocolypse the mark of the beast and other such tremendously funny shit

the antichrist according to the fairy tale legend and or biblical scholars is supposed to come disguised as a religious leader and then pretty much fuck all of you non believers and those who dont believe quite enough to make the fundamentalists happy and of course those of you who believe the wrong thing

personally i like the story and would watch it if they made it into a made for tv movie costarring judith light therefore i decided to give ted an interview for the position of antichrist and discuss both his shortcomings as a christian leader and ultimately why i cant consider him as a serious antichrist candidate

as a christian religious leader i must say that i loved him and wanted him to stay in that role as he was clearly mine

unfortunately all good things must come to an end and i cant deny that i enjoyed his fall almost as much as his success in the church

his fall knocked out one more brick from the faith of nearly thirty million people

thirty million people

thirty million people believed in ted and teds public humiliation was also theirs

since he was out of work as a religious leader we talked about his application for the position of antichrist

as you should know if you have been following my teachings at all the antichrist must be someone who really looks trustworthy and devout

this shit really calls for some stealth and you cant just use some guy who has been hanging out at gay bars and frequenting meth dealers

even most of you stupid humans could see through that

now he is trying to rehabilitate himself but the damage is done with respect to his career of antichrist

apparently his latest press release says that he has gone to counseling and is completely heterosexual


i asked him about this cure and he said that he hardly ever thinks about long hard beautiful sumptuous penis any more

it may work on the general populace of fundamentalist christians who believe that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured but it wont get the rest of you to follow him and it is really the more educated among you that will be the tough sale

so i finished the interview with ted and gave him this lovely parting gift and suggested that he return to the ministry where he is most useful to me


37 Comments:

At 12:02 PM, Blogger garrett said...

Bostick is a great candidate for certain things, that's for sure.

Hell, his name alone is grounds to have his likeness emblazoned on legions of sex toys.

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, Bostick deserves better than Ted Haggart. In fact, we all do. Even you, Satan.

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

LOL! Great post! I'm sure he just loved his parting gift.

 
At 6:45 AM, Blogger Eve said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 6:45 AM, Blogger Eve said...

he he he

You're a mess. When can I expect my Bostick dildo in the mail?

 
At 2:02 PM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

I am sexually satisfied.

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger Satan said...

obrien

are you sure because if not we can continue to work on that

eve

i may personally deliver yours right to your garden of eden

enemy

while bostick may not be a meth peddling man masseuse i am sure he would do in a pinch

he talks tough about this lord of darkness but deep down he is flattered by the bostick and i agree with garrett that he should have his likeness emblozoned on legions of sex toys

whimsical

how you doin baby

you want to apply for the job of antichrist

i have a great casting couch

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger Chicky Pea said...

Is that Bosdick?

 
At 6:31 PM, Blogger Satan said...

yes

it is the bosdick butt plug

i still have about two hundred thousand of those things in my basement if you want one

and no basement is not a euphemism

 
At 6:58 PM, Blogger josh williams said...

Bosick on a phallic toy holding a phallic symbol, dang satan I did not realize you were so profound. My hat off to ya.

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

and no basement is not a euphemism

That was funny!

I must admit - I know nothing of this Ted fellow, of course I have been extremely distracted solving the murder mystery of Anna Nicole...

 
At 8:48 PM, Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Oooo Satan, don't tempt me! Wait that's your job... But just for that I'm giving you this:

Happy Valentine's Day!

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Shit. I always figured your place would be crowded, but having to rub shoulders and other parts with all these Christian evangelicals is really gonna give new meaning to being in hell. Do I get any choice of roommates?

Here's a much too nice wish for you...

 
At 7:26 AM, Blogger KSHIPPYCHIC said...

Happy Love Day Satan.... Im sure you love Mr.St.Valentine right???

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger jali said...

You are a wise leader oh Dark One.

 
At 2:48 PM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

And Teddy is as heterosexual as Liberace. 666!

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Chicky Pea said...

I'm not into butt plugs, but thanks anyway.

 
At 7:54 PM, Blogger Toby said...

Go to hell

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

'nother brilliant blog, O my Master.

Hail Bostick!

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Dude - seriously, I KNOW you can't be THAT busy in hell.

Oh wait, Anna...

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Hello Mr. Satan,

I'm conducting some important business over at my place regarding that female ejaculation thing you like so much. Would love your input.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Yours in letters,

Ms.* Erin O'Brien

I always feel Mary-Tyler-Moore liberated when I use that Ms. thing you hate so much.

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

great post, love the thumbnail.

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

where the hell are you?

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger KSHIPPYCHIC said...

Did Hell freeze over or something??

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger Toby said...

kshippychick asks a very valid question. And there are so many god damn do gooders!!!!!!! lately.

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I've heard it said that God is dead, could it be that Satan is?

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I am seriously starting to wonder if you are ok dude.

I haven't felt your presence in my sweater in a very long time.

 
At 9:12 PM, Blogger Phil Dixon said...

genius!

 
At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

satan i dont want to live with my mom and dad nomore what should i do i love u my sexy devil brother

 
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