Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Tree of Knowledge - WWSD Wednesday

welcome to the tree of knowledge

have a bite

it is time for what would satan do wednesday

lets start off with calzone

calzone asked

Why the fuck do I sit here covered in blood night after fucking night with a disemboweled dead virgin in my lap calling your name and you never fucking show?


great question calzone

as you know i am very busy corrupting souls and playing in fiddle competitions
it isnt always easy for me to drop what i am doing to run to a summoning using a disemboweled dead virgin

but if my presence is required or if there are really good drugs and hot tail available then i suggest adding a pentagram drawn in blood and a little incense

my latin is rusty so stick to george w bushs native language please


ihatesausage asked

who gets Hasselhoff?


the guy cant sing much less play the fiddle

i smoked his ass and he is mine

after all he is huge in germany and you know how many german bastards that are mine


melanhead asked

Do I have to masturbate every day to secure a spot? What about the days when I'm on the rag? I don't like getting pulpy blood on my fingers.


wear mittens

sometimes a solid fisting in your own ass will serve as an adequate substitute but certainly do not miss a day

jesus christ asked

Dude, are you ever going to hit us up on the email?



psychic dumb dumb asked

Does swallowing as opposed to spitting heighten my chances into hell?


great question psychic dumb dumg

swallowing as opposed to spitting does not necessarily heighten your chances of getting into hell

however swallowing as opposed to spitting insures my chances of being in heaven

nowhere girl asked

I had the most disturbing dream last night regarding oral sex and a family member. Ugghhh. I hate that. I'm going to hell, aren't I?!

My brother, though he kept morphing into someone else. I don't know who, though I think it's this guy who works at Walgreens. Anyhoo, I was performing it. My husband kept walking by, putting away groceries


thought about it again and yep that is even fucked up for me


captain carl action figure asked

ARRR....how do I be keepin my plastic dick from meltin down here?......


soak it in cider

get it

in cider

say it fast

hee hee hee


i couldn't get to all of them and damn you for thinking that i would

Monday, January 30, 2006

consult the dark forces - what would satan do

it is that time of the week again

i get behind thee and i are here and are ready to field questions regarding your daily life

this week, we will select one or two questions

last week was too much damn work

ask us a question and we will provide an answer that should help you earn your way into hell

remember getting into hell is never a sure thing so it is important that you start living your life the right way to make certain that your place there is secured

if you don't plan ahead then you may have to lose a fiddle playing contest to get in and to be honest i am not that good if i dont have the band of demons joining in to make an evil hiss

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Hell Convention and Visitors Bureau

Welcome to Hell, the Underworld's largest region. Where blue skies don't exist and there are miles of flaming beaches along the fiery seas of lava creating a gentle Mediterranean climate which begs for a day of everything and nothing. Bordered by Mexico, the Middle East, Somalia and the Sudan, Hell's infinite square miles offer immense options for business and pleasure.

Visitor Information: General Visitors Information for Hell - tips and information on Hell.

Free Vacation Planning and Tips: Vacation in Hell yes you will be in Hell.

Where to Stay: Hotel Hell - check out anytime you like but you can never leave.

Things to do:
Torture Museum
Elvis Performing Nightly
Dante's - Nine Levels of Shopping

Getting Around: Charon's River Shuttle Service

Dining and Nightlife:
Fine Dining

The Weather in Hell

Thursday, January 26, 2006

tagged weird habits

i cant dance very well because i have two left hooves

but the babes dig me

mostly because oral sex was my idea

but they also know that i can party my evil ass off

you dont see jesus christ dancing in fact jesus christs people tried to keep ren maccormick from dancing when he moved to bomont

but i say lets dance

ok i have been tagged by the evil and sometimes naked erin obrien

here are my five weird habits

i collect hummel figurines those damn things are so fucking cute i cant control myself
i probably have three hundred of them and i get behind thee gets pissed everytime i buy another one
he hates dusting them

i frequently masturbate while looking at pictures or thinking about the virgin mary
jesus christ your mom is a total milf

i like to light my farts on fire

it is really easy to do in hell

you pretty much just fart and this giant flame shoots out of your ass

i love the movie alien and so sometimes when i am bored and lonely i will suddenly pop out of someones belly and scare the shit out of them just for fun

i like to hang out with the pope and try to make him eat gouda cheese

he is lactose intolerant

then later we light each others farts on fire

i love that fucking hat and he never lets me wear it

tagged by satan


jesus christ

bill the apostle



commanded by satan to complete the following task or suffer eternal damnation

"The first player of this game starts with the topic 'five weird habits' and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You have been tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours."

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


Shannon said...
What plans?
satans response
shannon i think i answered this one already but i have some plans to make you my sweetie

of course i would still have a few other sweeties because i am satan and stuff but you would be like my main sweetie


ing said...

Okay, Satan, this has been bothering me for days, and I can't sleep until I solve it:

A train departs London, England at exactly 0200 hours GMT and runs SSE,going 90 KM/H. At exactly 0200 a train departs Chengdu, China, going 130li/h. Each train, by coincidence, contains 503 passengers. Half of the passengers on the London train are sailors in the Royal British Navy, while one quarter of the passengers on the Chinese train are wearing sailor hats, despite that they are civilians.

One of the trains hits a cow.

Which train was it?

satans response

it was the train that i get behind thee and i are going to pull on your ass mama

just kidding

it was the train that left london

the train that left chengdu china would have hit a MU NIU

assuming you were in a region with the mandarin dialect


IHateSausage said...

My question is...are you going to punish me for taking all your pills? (Please?)
You know the ones...you left them here when we where playingfist-in-the-dark?
I'll be waiting when Shannon leaves you with a firey case of blue-balls.


satans response
i knew you were going to take those pills ihatesausage

thats why i switched em with jungle janes cat laxatives

i am the lord of evil

i wasnt born yesterday

thank you for thinking about my balls


jungle jane said...

hey gang! has anyone seen my cat's laxatives? little pills? i thought i mebbe left them over here at Satan's place?

i get behind thees response

Jungle Jane--I wondered why no one was touching the coffee in the breakroom this morning. Satan usually has a cup at 8 and takes a dump at 8:30 every morning, but he was in the head for 2 hours today. I also wondered why he was clawing the corner of one of the couches this morning. Also explains why the girl we offered what we thought was x to, pooped in the Hell Hummer the other nite.

satans response

now lets see i thought ihatesausage took em when we were playing fist in the dark dammit i switched the x with those other pills and then put the first pills on the...

shit i screwed up and put those cat laxatives in my arse

is that why i spent all day on the crapper and then kept trying to cover it up with sand


IHateSausage said...

Fuck you Jane! It's a good thing I can use the laptop on the jon so I can tell you how wicked you are! Kudos, wish I'd thought of it.

satans response

damn it i get behind thee this isnt even a question did you read this shit or what

but it is sort of interesting to know ihate sausage blogs on the shitter


Lady Hearteater said...

DUDE. I'm with you. JC won't even put out the food and wine and shit, let alone his stash. I KNOW that fucker is holding. What sort of host is he? I would still welcome him, as all are welcome.

satans response

hes a crummy host

i get behind thee remember that one time hundreds of people got together with him to listen to a speech and he had pounded down all the wine except one jug and ate all the fish except two and almost all the bread

then they came to him to perform a miracle and all he did was stick a fingerdown his throat and vomit and said look theres enough for everyone

that jackass sat there and laughed while everyone ate his vomit and then took credit for it like it was some sort of a miracle

you gotta watch out for that guy

he is full of shit half the time an stoned the other half


ing said...

Really? In my case, Jeezy has been pretty generous with his stash (AND his apostle). He gave me these little pills. . .

satans response

yes really


Shannon said...

"Erin you are right why am i wasting time with these trollops when i could be knocking boots with you

looked at your erin obrien naked link

you are evil

if you showed me more i would be in heaven"

I am appalled!! Now you know why I didn't show up last night for our date! I would tell you to go to hell but that's like telling Mickey Mouse to go to Disneyland!! My question is why do you speak about ladies this way? I thought you turned over a new leaf.. it's a sad day.. I cannot forgive such evilness..


satans response

cmon baby i am satan

i have an image to uphold

this is just business and i gotta keep my pimp hand strong

it dont mean nothing

lets you and me get together later and talk about this

if i cant be evil then i am not going to remain lord of the underworld for very long now am i and then i wont have all those nice things you want like hummer limos and krystal

remember all the good times we had baby we need to get away from all this shit and just work on our relationship

i lust you


jungle jane said...

Shannon are you saying that Mickey Mouse is in fact Satan? Wow! and here was me thinking Satan was actually Santa!

satans response

it looks like this is really a question for shannon instead of for satan

jungle jane did you miss the damn point here t

his is ask questions to satan not shannon do i need to show you the pimp hand

you will find the taste of the back of my hand most displeasing


RoxiMoon said...

sounds interesting.. can you awnser me a question then.. why the fuck are we still wearing underwear.. I mean really.. I dont think underwear has a real purpose but to slow things down.... wait.. there is a purpose for men to wear them.. skid marks.. but us ladies barely wear anything anyway.. I think all women.. (( hot ones only)) should be able to go around naked..


i get behind thees response

RoxiMoron--Underwear is Jesus' fault; he created it and his Dad madeAdam and Eve blush when he probed Adam in the Garden of Eden. As anaside, we were rolling with him and his crew in SoBeach two years ago,and when the wind whipped his robe up, I saw his drawers. Pretty filthytighty whities with a nasty chockie running down the back. Underwearserve no purpose, other than to keep the ladies from getting a smooth view of the behind of I Get Behind Thee and helping to protect Master Nibblet from the ravages of rough jeans and other fabrics. But not like100% cotton boxers are that soft either. The better question is why dosocial norms require me to wash my hands after touching my schlong? I mean, I clean it in the shower (really, that's just cleaning I swear), then put him in my clean boxers where he rests all day, waiting tospring on the ladies after dark. He's way cleaner than my hands,touching filthy stuff all day. Ladies, from now on, when we meet, I will introduce myself and ask you to shake my hog.

satans response

roximoon women need to wear underwear also otherwise we will be able to track you by your slime trail sort of like a banana slug

in addition to the skid mark issue men wear underwear to keep their balls from flopping too much

there is a delicate balance of nature you do not want your balls to be too tight but you cant have them just flopping around either


LBseahag said...

Is he speaking portuguese?


satans response

i get portuguese spanish italian confused but i think it is mandarin chinese

by the way mu niu is mandarin chinese for cow


Bill the Apostle said...Satan...why didnt you tell me you had herpes?


ummm shannon theres something i need to tell you


captain carl said...

Arr...T' be about time Satan got a friend. Now they can play naughty witheach other. Here be the Capt's question

What do ye want to burn Men's Souls for?...Why not give everybody ice cream.


satans answer
captain carl joined the legions of hell this week
he now knows first hand the wonders of hell

burning mens souls is what i do
i am satan
i started burning souls shortly after becoming a fallen angel

and i was good at it
i now have your soul captain carl
and you shall get no ice cream

in hell ice cream lasts for less than the time apostle bill can stay on his bull


Lady Hearteater said...Why am I suddenly VERY thirsty when I come here?

satans response

you are thirsty for truth lady hearteater

you have been drinking from the fountain of jesus christ and bill the apostle for far too long and it has left you thirsty

you have been fed the lies from those like pat robertson for far too long and it has left you wanting

either that or it is just hotter than shit down here


DorianGray1854 said...

How come man is so devoted to material possesions, and if you can answerthat, then why do some chics taste like green apple Jolly Ranchers and how come that damn owl feels the need to fuck with everyone and just bite into the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? Oh yeah and why don't you get a free one anymore if you find the indianshooting the star?***********************
satans answer
greed is mine
jesus christ says share your shit but you people dont listen i love that about you

some chics taste like green apple jolly ranchers to symbolize the fall of man in the garden of eden
when that sneaky eve talked adam into tasting the apple the taste of that apple stayed with her to symbolize her evil act
oh that and they got periods
some girls taste like green apple jolly ranchers due to the new green apple jolly rancher summers eve line of products now available at your local target store

owls do not have adequate tongues for licking
trust me
the last time i got a blowjob from an owl it was awful
three licks and the fucker bit me

douche they never actually gave out free tootsie pops that was an urban myth created to make dumb fucks like you look like dumb fucks



Polyman2 said...

umm, Satan?

Is it true that if you must choosebetween 2 evils,then pick the one you'venever tried before?

satans answer
pick both
why choose between them
i never said you had to choose
i say take two


ing said...

Woah, Satan/Santa said he was going to be distributing advice, and now Janeis distributing advice, which -- and I'm no good at algebra -- means thatJane is Satan and Santa.


And Omar, I wish you hadn't swiped those pills Jesus gave me. Before yougobbled them up, I was going to return them. And now I suppose you'll notonly have to answer to Jane for the theft, but to SATAN, LORD OF BRIMSTONEAND ETERNAL TORTURE, MWA HA HA HA ha ha harrrr. . .

satans answer

ing said...

Also, was Charles Manson really Jesus, or did he just say that so everyonewould love him?

satans answer
charles manson said that he was jesus because he thought it would get him chicks
he got squeeky fromme
have you seen her
thats the kind of chicks that jesus christ pulls
he talks shit and pulls in skank nothing but skank


ing said...

And why is the sky blue?

satans answer
what you see is the underside of gods balls
god is in heaven
god gets no lovin or at least not the right kind of lovin


ing said...

Because of you?

satans answer

hell no
he has blue balls because of his personality
you ever talk to god
total stick up his ass
jesus christ talks the talk but he dont walk the walk
god is always all serious and shit and the chicks just dont have any interest
plus he is old


ing said...

Have you ever eaten fondĂșe?

satans answer

in hell everytime i have a hershey bar it is fondue
same with cheese
we almost always eat fondue
we sometimes fondue the body of christ

ing said...

Do you shop at J. Crew?

satans answer

satan is somewhat of a metrosexual
if i had hair i would joodge it

ing do you have a fucking life


ing said...

Me too.

satans answer


Jasmine said...

I will swim miles to see you.

Want to play?



satans answer

ok jaz you creep me out just a little bit
i do not want to play
i want to burn your ass over fiery coals
how do you like that game you fishy little wench


Polyman2 said...

Yo Satan,

How do feel about oysters,

are they evil?

satans answer

hells yeah oysters are evil
they make you want to hump
anything that adds to your temptation is good stuff
plus they remind me of chicks especially the atlantic bearded clam


RoxiMoon said...

take it the fuck off baby!OHH yeah..oh.. and by the way..jane honey.. I found your cats pills but now I cant find my dogs sopositories.. you know.. satan thought those felt real good..have you seen them jane?

btw.. satan.. I love your scaly strachy skin.. almost works better then myrazor at getting the hair off.. and it dosnt grow back right away! who said I need eyebrows.

satans answer
jane has been inserting them into her arse
i am still trying to figure out what an arse is

you do not need eyebrows they just burn off anyway


drunkbh said...

If you can't beat off with hooves, why don't you change one to a hand atleast until the deed is done?


i get behind thees response

Drunkbh-I in fact CAN smack it around with my hooves, you just have tobe careful and use lots of lotion. The good news is Satan and I rarelyhave to resort to Solitaire given our prowess with mortal babes. Butyes, once last year, S, I and all the minions come home flat out of ass.Bars in Milwaukee are like 80/20 guys/girls and we came up empty. Theworst part was Satan walked into the john on me while I was goin totown. He took pics and gave me shit for like two weeks. As if hewasn't choking his chicken in his room! The nerve. It also helps touse a lanolin-based penis cream a few times a day to help keep El GrandeWorme from getting too beat up.

satans response

i am satan
i can change to a snake but then i have no hands at all
it does feel good to rub across the ground for a while though
besides sometimes i get behind thee gives me a helping hand


Shannon said...

Umm my last questions would be...

Why do birds sing so gay?

Do lawyers really go to hell?

Why do men totally suck azz?

Please answer these questions in the order they were received,*Psst answermine first* Thanks!

satans answer

jesus made them gay i made them shit on your car

i can absolutely assure you that lawyers go to hell that is an absolute certainty
i have never been so sure of anything ever
every lawyer is mine

i cant tell you why all men totally suck azz but this dude right here would totally suck your azz
oh baby you know what you do to me when you start talking about azz
i lose it


Nowhere Girl said...

Satan- I haven't gotten a dose of your evil in a few days. Boo hoo. Poor me... =(Guess I haven't been naughty enough?!

satans answer

dont sell yourself short nowhere girl you have stored up plenty of naughty points

you are mine

you will be mine for eternity

i have others out there that are pure and innocent

it is sort of my job to corrupt them

spending time trying to corrupt you is sort of like spending time trying to make hell hot

been there done that


shit this was a lot of work

satan has bitches that need his attention

i get behind thee next time we need to pick like one question to answer

also we should select one question that will assist these pathetic pukes with their daily lives

satan lusts you

Monday, January 23, 2006

watch the video
i love this thing
i love watching people like this go apeshit because they meet someone that doesn't follow jesus christ around all day long
they scream and judge people and generally treat people like trash in the name of being warriors of god
i watch this like ten times a day and laugh so hard i piss myself and put out half the fires in hell
i get behind thee and i had tears running down our faces earlier today while we were going through your questions
the funniest part of this shit is that she doesnt know it yet but shes mine
i cant wait to see the look on this ones face when she shows up at my door
the gargoyles will seem like they were a picnic
these are my favorites they provide the most entertainment when the hit the gates of hell all of their repenting and shit and they dont even know it is too late at this point
they dont even realize why they come to me
i get behind thee and i are working on some eternal punishments for this one it is going to be an absolute scream
for her
any suggestions
by the way we got a lot of questions so this is what we are going to do
i get behind thee and i are working on them and we are going to post the answers tomorrow on consult the dark forces or wwsdw - what would satan do wednesday

Friday, January 20, 2006

i would like to introduce my number one henchman and head minion

i get behind thee

this dude has been my constant companion since being evicted from heaven

i would not want to be a fallen angel with anyone else

im tellin you that if i was maverick this would be my goose and on many occasions it has been

in this business there are not many people you can really trust but i get behind thee would bend over backwards for me

he would also bend over forward for me and probably get down on his knees for me

he is actually just a little bit creepy but he has been around so long that i would miss him if he ever stopped coming around

i get behind thee you complete me

today it became painfully obvious that you are all a bunch of pathetic fucks that can barely wipe your own asses without getting advice

so i get behind thee and i had a great idea for a weekly blog entry

we shall call it

consult the dark forces

between now and monday we will collect all of your questions and then i get behind thee and i will answer which ever ones we damn feel like answering

if your question is not worthy it will be ignored

if you have a good question we will take the time to carefully consider the question and then craft an answer that will assist you with your daily life

consider this our gift to you

you may start leaving your questions now

shannon baby i am almost done here i will be there in just a few minutes

i got me some plans for that sassy tart

Thursday, January 19, 2006

this is what they always say about me

they say i hate you

i get nothing but bad press and negative stuff said about me

i am tired of that crap

look around you i clearly love you people

i made all the stuff you really want in life

money and greed lust and sex gluttony coveting your neighbors wife and ass and wifes ass

you all like it you all love it you all constantly use these gifts i gave to you yet all i ever get is satan is bad satan is evil

shannon doesnt want to be seen with me cuz you all talk shit about me all the time

meanwhile he gets this

sometimes it makes me want to explode and release a pestilence upon the world

jesus loves me
jesus loves you
jesus loves us
jesus loves kittens


youve met the guy

why does everyone think i am such a bad guy

i love you i want you to come spend eternity with me
i love kittens they taste almost as good as baby seal

all i want is a little lovin

can i have a hug

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

why do women love jesus christ

because he was hung like this

this picture stolen from jesus toast jesus toast

Monday, January 16, 2006

my life as lord of the underworld is pretty cool

I pretty much do whatever i want as i make efforts to further my goal of dominating the universe and bringing gods rule of heaven to an end

im pretty damn good at it too

but some things about it kind of suck ive said many times that i have given you greedy bastards some pretty damn good stuff

i have given you porn - everybody loves porn

i brought you sex - not missionary sex but the good stuff including vibrators dildos anal beads double headed dildos little butterfly things that sit on your clitoris lubrications and

i have given you filthy dirty butt sex - see also porn and sex

i have brought you greed pride envy gluttony lust sloth and wrath - all quality fun

i have brought you possession - without that no good horror movies

i gave you priests that fondle small boys - screwing the catholic church

rumor has it i built hadrians wall - i will neither confirm nor deny that

but as i have mentioned on many of your blogs while god may have created stuff i took that stuff and made it good i made it fun i made it cool

according to the book of john 12:31 i am even considered the prince of the world

can someone please explain to me that if i am the prince of the world and if i brought to all of you humans these wonderful gifts why doesnt anyone ever scream out my name while they are fucking

just once i want to hear

oh my satan this is so fucking good oh satan oh satan oh satan holy shit mother fucking satan is this good

just once

Sunday, January 15, 2006


jesus christs


jesus christs

i think the choice is clear

jesus christ i challenge you to respond to this

you cannot compete with the quality of tail i am pulling in hell

ugly people dont sin because nobody wants to sin with them

you want a shot at angelina or do you want to hang around with those nuns

Saturday, January 14, 2006

stay a while
stay for eternity