Monday, March 27, 2006

my life as a cervid

i lust all of you fuckers but that doesnt seem to be enough to bring people in the door the past few weeks

i dont have a clue why but that is the facts

inventory is down

productivity is in the dumper

death isnt taking my calls anymore which is a real shame because for example look at this specimen pictured to the right

death cant come soon enough for this clown

first he is dressed in a red jacket

red is my color

he is mine

second he is clearly mocking me or if he is not aware that i am a cervid that is just his tough fucking luck

keep this in mind

i am a cervid

i am not a bovid

whenever death gets him i am going to pick his bones cleaner than clean

i will add them to my collection

i am up to warehouse 379 now

that picture above was taken a long long long long long time ago

and sorry i got carried away

i really meant to tell you about my life as a cervid

in the hopes that telling you fuckers a little bit more about me might help with recruitment

i cant believe my good looks and great sexual performance isnt enough

so i am a cervid

a lot of people get confused about this because dumb fuckers are always calling my antlers horns

well they are not horns

they are antlers

thats why you dont normally hear too much from me between valentines day and leprechaun day

my new antlers come in every year around then and i never have gotten over being embarrassed for the chicks to see me with that velvet crap still on them

so the thing to keep in mind here is sure i am a total badass and incredibly sexy and fantastic and cocksure of myself

but i have feelings too

and i have appearance anxieties too

just like you fuckers

Thursday, March 23, 2006

dump that two pump chump

ladies i woke up suddenly in the middle last night with a burst of inspiration for you

yes it was a little messy

but very satisfying

no seriously here is something important for you to keep in mind

there is a big difference between fucking a guy who can get the job done in less than a minute and fucking a guy who can not not get the job done in less than a minute

if you are hooking up with one of those in the latter camp dump that two pump chump and give me a call

or send him to me and i will make him an offer he cant refuse

Thursday, March 16, 2006

clearing out some underbrush

thought we should talk about music a little bit more

music is where i make most of my hay to tell you the truth

between the musicians desperate for fame and temporary fortune and the groupies begging for a chance to get looked in the eye by some sweaty wannabe rock star it is prime hunting grounds for me

i lust it

but i know some of you are probably confused about a few things you may have heard or seen or read down through the years

so anyway

first of all the band kiss is not mine

the initials in the name of the band do not stand for knights in satan's circle

i know how to fucking spell

come on already

and plus i have seen that gene simmons sucking at the teat of the virgin mother

he goes to church


the band ac/dc is mine

i gave the guy his voice and the idea that he should name his band something shocking

do you get it

and i also gave him the idea that he should name his band something that the initials would demonstrate his allegiance to me

yes all children truly are my children

he gave his life to me much too early

we could have done so much more

but at least the band rocks on

the dead milkmen album beelzebubba was not my idea

i did not think it was funny

i do not appreciate references to my weight or social standing or heritage

it is not the easiest thing in the world to do to keep trim and fit when you are out scoring chicks at night and taking the souls of businessmen in exchange for a little minor accounting error and the like all day

so remember no more fucking jokes like calling me lard of the underworld

anyone flips me more shit like that gets uninvited to the party

and i do not wear overalls


the rolling stones song sympathy for the devil is fine by me and does a pretty good job of giving credit where credit is due

the only part of that song that bothers me is the idea of sympathy

mick and keith what the fuck guys

i was tighter with you guys than the jeans we painted on mick back in those days

and they still clearly did not have a clue

i am the man

i do not need sympathy

i will get you all

i lust you

see you in hell

the party is just getting started

Friday, March 10, 2006

a blog that sucks and i got tagged

what in the hell is this


i think i just threw up a little bit in my mouth

i love that taste

i have been tagged

seven songs i am into

devil went down to georgia - charlie daniels band
sympathy for the devil - rolling stones
you light up my life - debbie boone
devil with a blue dress on - mitch ryder and the detroit lyrics
i got friends in low places - garth brooks
bohemian rhapsody - queen
copa cabana - barry manilow

Monday, March 06, 2006

fire fire fire fire fire fire fire

and now that there's nothing left

just a hole above our heads

letting the sunshine in

that's how the end begins

with a forest fire

i love fire

Thursday, March 02, 2006

a once in an eternity event

i just pantsed god

i totally did

it was unfuckingbelievable

i have been trying to get that bastard almost literally forever

but you know how god and his boy jesus are always so casual running around naked or wearing nothing but baggy robes and fig leaves and shit

its hard to catch either one of them in anything else

well i got wind of this black tie party over at allah's place and i just had a hunch this might be my chance

so i got there early and hid out in the closet just down the hall from the bathroom

god showed up in a tux just as i had hoped and as usual he was hitting the wine and cheese pretty hard before the dinner even started

he is such a fucking lush

anyway there i am hiding out in the closet and sure enough about an hour into the party god comes down the hall goes into the bathroom and has this enormous piss and with all the farting he was doing from the cheese he pounded down it totally sounded like a thunderstorm in there

i almost got busted from laughing so hard at that old fuck farting and burping and pissing but i held it together just barely

so god comes out of the bathroom and walks past my closet

i materialize on the other side of the door and follow him down the hallway all quiet and shit

he gets to the ballroom and as i expected and as per usual he makes some giant pronouncement which nobody could understand because he was slurring so bad from all the vino

but everybody was watching him of course because fuck he is god after all

and then just as he got to the high point of his spiel i popped up off the floor and whipped up the tails on his tux and latched onto the waist of his pants and ripped those babies right down to his holier than thou ankles

he was wearing boxers with fucking cupids on them


so he spun around to smite me but quick as shit i materialized over by the front door to the party and flipped him the bird and skedaddled

oh man

i love it when dreams come true