Tuesday, January 23, 2007

the glory of pride and the future of nature

good morning

welcome to hell

today we are going to be discussing something very important

and top secret

i have been trying to decide whether to tell you fuckers about this for a few millenia

i finally decided to go ahead and tell you because even though you are capable of understanding and agreeing with what i have to tell you very very few of you are capable of actually changing your lives in any meaningful way based on this information that would result in less of you fuckers spending eternity being disemboweled by me and my prize pupil baron ectar

so i figured what the fuck

here is the deal

all of your problems are the result of two factors

pride and nature

that is it

there is nothing else

i take plenty of credit for the various other grounds on which you fail and become my slaves but the real facts are that i am not responsible i am just a beneficiary of your pathetic fallible human being tendencies and all those other grounds are really just subsets of pride and nature

but since you fuckers are so dense i suppose i ought to clarify that when i say pride i am not talking about gay pride

not that theres anything wrong with it

i love that there is this gay pride movement

i love all sin and anything that makes people feel better about sinning is damn straight up fine with me

the more guy on guy cock chugging competitions the better

come on over to the rainbow party

but i digress

the pride i am talking about is the machisom ego i wish i had the guts to do the right thing but since im such a weak pathetic human being im going to lash out and fight and fuss and bitch and moan and get my feelings hurt and do something stupid and sinful as a result just because otherwise i will feel like a complete loser and failure

like baron ectar

thats the kind of pride that leads to sin

i fucking love that kind of pride

without that kind of pride i wouldnt even hardly be a figment of your imagination

ok enough about pride

lets talk a bit about nature

nature doesnt actually cause people to sin

so in that sense nature and i arent in cahoots exactly

but luckily nature does cause enormous amounts of pain and suffering to humanity and for that reason i fucking love nature

down here in hell we all cherish sun worshippers and moon worshippers and guia worshippers and mud worshippers and all those ridiculous pagan god and nature worshipping fuckers

what a ridiculous bunch they are

and fuck a fallen angel in the ass am i glad there are fools like those people because they are my easiest prey

hell yea god doesn't want those idiots

but as far as nature goes life for you fuckers used to be so hard

you had crops to grow but nature would thumb her nose at you with a drought so you would starve en masse


you had children and old people to shelter through the winter or summer and nature would fart in your general direction with temperatures and weather extremes so magnificent your grass huts or mud caves couldnt protect your weak people


but then the fucking industrial revolution came around and ever since then you people have been continually making progress and building new things and coming up with new ideas and products that protect you and that reduce little by little baby step by baby step natures ability to kill you and maim you and leave you desolate in despair and basically make your lives a living hell

and the more hells the better i always say

but fuck a fallen angel in the ass am i glad that there are even bigger fools than the pagan god worshippers out there rabble rousing and doing everything they can to protect the earth from giant corporations or whatever other stupid expressions they use which is the same thing as signing death certificates for dozens of hundreds of thousands of millions of you people

im talking about greenpeace for example


dan crall

without fools like these it is entirely possible that in another century or two human beings would have basically solved your forever old problem of nature fucking things up for you and making you miserable

damn that would be boring

right now things are already plenty close to boring in the nature making people suffer category

its mostly poor people living in shitty countries or trailer parks who suffer from nature

and thats not even that fun for me

not that im complaining

i wouldnt give it up for fucks sake

but basically nature has already been reduced to fucking with people by surprise attack and surprise attack alone

shit like tornadoes and earthquakes and volcanos and hurricanes and tsunamis and of course my personal favorite forest fires

natures influence is way down otherwise over what it used to be

famine is not such a big deal

plagues are not such a big deal

natural disaster is way down on the list of things that kill people


so please remember to support your local environmentalist groups

they are natures only hope of regaining the upper hand

and they are my only hope of getting back to the good old days of watching you fools suffering along and starving and freezing and so on and so forth

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

titties and beer

i am always on the lookout for new talent for hell

recently i stumbled across a deadly combo

two of my favorite things

titties and beer

obrien is that you
usually you give a little speech before one of your demonstrations

titties and beer

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

more marketing from hell

recently i was sitting around in my underwear watching television in hell when i saw a news story about this

weight loss gods way

fat free 4 jesus

i am not making this shit up these are christian diets and my guess is that they have signs up at every wal mart in the entire country

while wal mart was my idea i have yet to see a cent from the waltons
just wait until they get here

actually i am not certain whether either one of these is the same exact diet that i saw on television while in my underwear but if neither of these are then it means that there is yet a third christian diet out there


as you know hell has been going through a bit of a financial pinch lately and i know what fantastic marketing machines the christians can be

recently i have attempted to emulate them by marketing some of my own products but it has been damn tough competing with the holy water vial the prayer towel and the sand from jesus sandals

those christians know their target market sector

generally all my products have failed miserably except for some reason i sold two gross of those nasty little bostick things to some guy who lives in a little town on the coast of georgia

some people are still hung up on the whole satan stigma

go figure

anyway this christian diet thing gave me a great new idea

i am delighted to announce the opening my own chain of charlie manson weight loss clinics

come work out using the manson method

this is going to be huge provided we can get over some of the negative press that has already been circulating

kraft foods vs satan

dammit i wish i would have come up with cheez whiz

anyway hell can make a couple of bucks and at the same time get rid of a few of those fat fucks who have been taking the sloth and gluttony sermons a little too seriously

if you know what i mean

i have also been snapping up as many of these as i can from ebay so that i can autograph them cover them in goats blood and sell them for twice as much


based on the study conducted by my market research telemarketing firm there are roughly two million of those nasty little red neck buggers running around in their big ass pick up trucks making the sign of the devil and those greasy humans will love this shit

since telemarketing is mine you would think i would be better at this shit

you wouldnt believe how hard it is to be the lord of darkness and the prince of lies

i am willing to bet your soul that this guy will be the first one in line to buy the trailer hitch cover for his pick em up truck

Friday, January 05, 2007

friday entertainment

godsnot voodoo

i want to welcome several new souls to the realm of the underworld and in their honor i offer you a little voodoo by godsnot

bostick please make the obligatory horns with your fingers and bang your head or something like that

or whatever it is that you half assed evil wannabes do when you are stoned out of your minds at a concert

if you are nice to this ole demon maybe i will post some slayer next time or perhaps even some winger or nelson

plog bortland
crude virgin
the whizzing wizard

stop in and welcome them to hell

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

satan has been busy bitches

while you pathetic minions trudge through your daily lives shoving your baron von rectal thermometers up your collective asses i am out busting my mine

i dont need your shit

i have very important work to do

i am a very successful leader of another plane of existence

a separate dimension of pain and suffering

as you may have heard i had some new guests move in to the underworld and i needed to get a couple of things lined up so i really dont appreciate all of the bullshit

satan where are you
satan come entertain us
satan why have you forsaken us

it isnt just business as usual when dignataries such as this arrive

this was a big one even for hell

it required some delicate preparation

we needed to prepare a variety of special little perks for this fella

i am now taking requests

if you have any good ideas for saddams personal hell please feel free to submit them and i will implement those ideas that please me the most

as i said above we had new guests

meaning more than one guest

so after preparing hell for saddams arrival we had a big kick ass concert performed by the godfather of soul

right after i collected his

we rocked hell for two solid days before we had to crash

even satan has his limits and the hardest working man in show business partied me into submission

satans got a brand new bag and this motha is kicking the underworld in the ass

as you know these things always come in threes

i got the first two easy

a giant chunk of my week involved working like hell to get the last one

i am pure evil but even i cant win em all

but in the wise words of meatloaf two out of three aint bad

baby we can talk all night
but that aint getting us nowhere

i wanted you
i needed you
but there aint no way im ever gonna lust you
now dont be sad
cus two out of three aint bad