Monday, December 18, 2006

new products offered from satans workshop

the first six hundred sixty six purchasers get free shipping on the following monthly special

the baron rectal thermometer - $15.76

you may be asking how you can tell the difference between a baron oral thermometer and a baron rectal thermometer

the taste

the baron toilet plunger - $17.43

the good news is that it clears up a plugged up toilet

the bad news is that is spreads more shit than you had to begin with

Saturday, December 16, 2006

ask satan saturday

screw you

i know it is sunday already

i went on a bender and was pretty much passed out all day saturday so you get it today now shut the hell up and bow to the lord of the underworld

scottsdale girl

irritable bowel syndrom help me is not a question

the only question in your post was am i supposed to wait to post this

my advice is no

you should have posted your question yesterday and it should have been a question

you are now effed and will suffer with irritable bowel syndrom for the rest of your life

fortunately for you i happen to know that wont be much longer and then you will spend eternity with me and i have something much worse in store for you than irritable bowel syndrom

see you next week

now apologize cook me a nice meal and perform oral sex

tom bailey

you get one question and the first question you asked was are you having this questioning here on saturday because you know that was the original sabbath on purpose

my answer is no

i had it on saturday because it turns out that was convenient for the lord of the underworld

please stop trying to show everyone how brilliant you are and get with the program

you need to apologize to t for insulting his blog and then cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him

baron ectar

whenever i get my hands on a sick angel that will not follow directions i cut off its wings and drink its blood

now that technique doesnt work for everyone

you may want to tie the angel up and beat it until it is more submissive

ball gags are a good idea

then when you are finished torturing said angel apologize cook the angel a nice meal and perform oral sex on it

t your question was why do i collect souls is it a hobby thing

great question

some people collect stamps
some people collect coins
some people make pot holders

those people suck

i collect souls because collecting souls is a bloodsport

jesus and god are a tag team and they have been in a competition with me since the beginning of time

we have a one dollar bet on who can collect the most souls and i am going to beat those two pussies like a drum

i assure you that i am way ahead

now apologize to someone make them a nice meal and perform oral sex on them


not all cowboys are minions of mine although i am working on them

certainly the ones that compare women to steers are mine

especially the ones that use steers instead of women for certain activities

and i am not talking cheeseburgers

now you need to apologize to the cowboys cook them a nice meal and perform oral sex on them


holiday time is always stressful when it comes to spending time with family

dont be afraid to be selfish

my advice is to come home a day early apologize to your boyfriend cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him


you asked exactly what makes satan tick

that is a very difficult question and cannot be answered to the extent necessary in this post but suffice it to say that the primary thing that makes satan tick is a good apology a nice meal and oral sex

now make me tick baby


i do not paint my hooves

paint and nail polish are infammable or flammable

i can never get that straight

either way it means to burn although one looks like the negative of the other

the shit burns

so i dont use it

i have had a hoovicure once or twice when a big event was coming up and i can tell you that it looked positively stunning

when i used my hooves on myself it was almost like cheating on my own hooves

now obrien you need to apologize to satan cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him

crashtest dummy

you asked for advice for someone who fell into an artistic funk and is trying to mount a comedic comeback

there are two ways to go about this

first you can really dedicate yourself to the art and spend night and day day and night every waking moment working to improve yourself and your act

you can really hone you skills over the next several years with back breaking work unlimted effort

it will probably mean many sleepless nights riding in buses from town to town and eating cheap macaroni and cheese every night for dinner if you even can afford dinner

i mean it is going to take the ultimate amount of hard work and sacrifice

the second way is that you can sell me your soul and you will be a hit next week

its really up to you

now apologize to everyone who has ever been in your audience cook them a nice meal and perform oral sex on them

Friday, December 15, 2006

ask satan saturday

what would satan do wednesday is dead and gone

but welcome in ask satan saturday

prepare your question and post it here

satan will give you

guidance and direction for your life
advice about love marriage and relationships
financial advice
information on how to be more like tom bailey

and will answer just about any other stupid or inane thing you come up with

i realize that you minions need my help and guidance and i am back in business

remember to buy my products and support hell and to tip your waiters and waitresses as they are working hard for all of us try the veal i will be here all week

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

positive message for tom bailey

my eyes are open

i have been a negative nancy

this blog has been too full of negativity and lacks the power of positive thinking

so i have decided to turn over a new leaf make a fresh new start and realize the positive energy that flows through us all

please welcome satan claus

ho ho ho

i am here to give you all gifts

first go HERE and find out whether you have been naughty or nice

now we are having high energy positive fun

if you have been nice you may come back here and tell satan claus what you want

if you have been naughty feel free to contact me by email for personal attention to let me know what you really really want

and i do mean personal attention

obrien skip the test and email me and include a picture of you wearing the boots

enemy i will keep your correspondence on the down low so that your "BOYFRIEND" doesnt get suspicious

Sunday, December 10, 2006


you envious bastards

you all want what i have

you want to be me

you covet

i dont blame you because as everyone can see i am amazing

but according to galatians five 21 from the king james version

envyings murders drunkenness revellings and such like
of the which I tell you before as I have also told you in time past
that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of god

has anyone actually seen the kingdom of god to know if it is even worth inheriting

you cant drink
you cant smoke
you cant have sex
you cant lust after things to have sex with
no good drugs

pretty much no fun at all

so let us revisit what we have learned

i am cool and you envy me
you are supposed to envy the kingdom of god
but the kingdom of god looks like it might suck

so jump on the satan bandwagon brothers and sisters and envy some shit that is cool

oh i will admit that i have plenty of envy in me and i even envy jesus and god once in a while

when i am nailing some chick like enemy of the public and she is really getting into it and then starts screamin

oh god or oh jesus that feels good

i get envious

after all i am doing all the work over here and those guys are getting the credit

and just once i would like someone to thank me after they make a touchdown

its always
i want to thank the one that made this touchdown possible
our lord jesus christ

who wouldnt get a little jazzed to hear that

honestly it would make my day to hear this one day

i want to thank the one that made this touchdown possible
satan the lord of the underworld
all powerful god of darkness
and ruler of all that is evil

now dont you think that would be cool to see on sportscenter

t o are you listening brotha

give me some props

give ole satan a shout out next time you are in the end zone

im not going to lie

envy is kind of cool and it is really cool to be envied

keep up the good work minions

by the way get your own

devil be gone satan bop bag

knock the crap out of satan for only $49.99

notice how satan always springs back

thanks for the idea benny hinn and hatinstupid

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

satans little workshop shop online

pez - original shitty brown -- $12.98

pez - new satanic pink -- $14.34

t-shirts -- $22.50

satan bobblehead businessman - $19.99

almost new bostick buttplugs - $3.99

dont be a bostick

come shop in satans workshop

goodies in time for christmas

we are working on a new line of confections and tasty stocking stuffers

support hell

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

not shitty and lame

hey minions and motherfuckers

jesus christ and his peeps raise all kinds of dough every year by passing around the collection plate

half of those bastards are bending young kids over and having their way with them

and you give them money

i also saw on tv some shit about the greatest gospel hits of all time

you people buy this shit

this one is called christian rock hits

isnt that an oxymoron

yet you buy this crap and feed money into the christian machine

i saw this one on tv just the other night

you people are sending in money to some ass clown that is selling you prayer towels

what the fuck do you do with these

wave them over your heads while watching the christian steelers play the christian packers in christian football

i dont get it

but you stupid bastards are buying it and those other stupid bastards on television selling it are making millions and millions of dollars

well i am not shitty and lame

i am not stupid

the budget has been a little tight in hell over the last couple of years due in large part to increased costs of fuel

so i am setting in motion my own exciting marketing program

just in time for christmas i give you this

buy some for stocking stuffers

get one for everyone on your shopping list

and know that the proceeds are going for the purpose of furthering my work

hopefully we will someday be able to build satans crystal palace

but until then help us keep the lights on by buying a couple of gross of these bad boys

remember hell and remember our motto

we are not shitty and lame

Sunday, December 03, 2006


something special for everything naughty