Friday, January 20, 2006

i would like to introduce my number one henchman and head minion

i get behind thee

this dude has been my constant companion since being evicted from heaven

i would not want to be a fallen angel with anyone else

im tellin you that if i was maverick this would be my goose and on many occasions it has been

in this business there are not many people you can really trust but i get behind thee would bend over backwards for me

he would also bend over forward for me and probably get down on his knees for me

he is actually just a little bit creepy but he has been around so long that i would miss him if he ever stopped coming around

i get behind thee you complete me

today it became painfully obvious that you are all a bunch of pathetic fucks that can barely wipe your own asses without getting advice

so i get behind thee and i had a great idea for a weekly blog entry

we shall call it

consult the dark forces

between now and monday we will collect all of your questions and then i get behind thee and i will answer which ever ones we damn feel like answering

if your question is not worthy it will be ignored

if you have a good question we will take the time to carefully consider the question and then craft an answer that will assist you with your daily life

consider this our gift to you

you may start leaving your questions now

shannon baby i am almost done here i will be there in just a few minutes

i got me some plans for that sassy tart


At 9:35 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

What plans?

At 9:36 PM, Blogger Satan said...

um nice ones

yes very nice plans

like i am planning on taking you to a nice restaurant like tgifridays and then maybe to play a little mini golf before we knock boots

i bought a good exfoliant today at the jcpenney makeup counter

it should help with my complexion

but its really what is on the inside that counts right ladies

At 9:37 PM, Blogger Satan said...

hmm perhaps i should have saved that question until monday given the theme of this post

shannon just takes me right out of my game

At 9:41 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Well, I don't think this evil thing is really me..

I don't play golf either.. sooo sad

Yes, your exfoliant should help you score with the ladies

Good Luck!!

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Satan said...

i disagree shannon

i think you could be evil if you really tried

remember that time we went down to the lake and built that giant alter out of rocks and we were going to sacrifice a goat but couldnt catch one so instead we used hersheys chocolate syrup and pretended that it was blood when we drank it

that was sort of evil and you were damn good at it

why is a fine lady like you sitting home on a friday night

where is i get behind thee

hes supposed to pick us up in the hummer

At 10:19 PM, Blogger ing said...

Okay, Satan, this has been bothering me for days, and I can't sleep until I solve it:

A train departs London, England at exactly 0200 hours GMT and runs SSE, going 90 KM/H. At exactly 0200 a train departs Chengdu, China, going 130 li/h. Each train, by coincidence, contains 503 passengers. Half of the passengers on the London train are sailors in the Royal British Navy, while one quarter of the passengers on the Chinese train are wearing sailor hats, despite that they are civilians.

One of the trains hits a cow.

Which train was it?

At 10:41 PM, Blogger YellowSock said...

My question is...are you going to punish me for taking all your pills? (Please?) You know the left them here when we where playing fist-in-the-dark?

I'll be waiting when Shannon leaves you with a firey case of blue-balls.

At 10:44 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

hey gang!

has anyone seen my cat's laxatives? little pills? i thought i mebbe left them over here at Satan's place?

At 10:53 PM, Blogger YellowSock said...

Fuck you Jane! It's a good thing I can use the laptop on the jon so I can tell you how wicked you are!

Kudos, wish I'd thought of it.

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Lady K said...

DUDE. I'm with you. JC won't even put out the food and wine and shit, let alone his stash. I KNOW that fucker is holding. What sort of host is he? I would still welcome him, as all are welcome.

At 11:08 PM, Blogger ing said...

Really? In my case, Jeezy has been pretty generous with his stash (AND his apostle). He gave me these little pills. . .

At 12:39 AM, Blogger Omar said...

Damn! you about a stoopid cracker!

At 12:49 AM, Blogger HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I'm on my hands and knees right now, dark overlord.

At 8:28 AM, Blogger HizzleThizzle said...

HMH is always on her hands and knees. Dont get overly excited :P

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Satan said...

this time i asked her to get on her hands and knees

usually she does it voluntarily

now she is doing it by my command

that is so fucking hot

i repeat here what i said to you on your site highmaintenancehussy that if you would show nipples i would be in heaven

now that you followed my command to get on your hands and knees

go post a picture of your marvelous boobies for the world to see and include nipples

and then leave satan alone for about 15 minutes or so

At 9:50 AM, Blogger Shannon said...


you are right

why am i wasting time with these trollops when i could be knocking boots with you

looked at your erin obrien naked link

you are evil

if you showed me more i would be in heaven"

I am appalled!! Now you know why I didn't show up last night for our date! I would tell you to go to hell but that's like telling Mickey Mouse to go to Disneyland!!

My question is why do you speak about ladies this way? I thought you turned over a new leaf.. it's a sad day.. I cannot forgive such evilness..

At 10:49 AM, Blogger Bob Dole said...

Bob Dole loves satan.

Bob Dole has a huge erection.

At 12:37 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

Shannon are you saying that Mickey Mouse is in fact Satan? Wow! and here was me thinking Satan was actually Santa!

At 1:08 PM, Blogger kellywalters said...

sounds interesting..

can you awnser me a question then..

why the fuck are we still wearing underwear.. I mean really..

I dont think underwear has a real purpose but to slow things down....


there is a purpose for men to wear them.. skid marks..

but us ladies barely wear anything anyway..

I think all women.. (( hot ones only)) should be able to go around naked..

At 3:03 PM, Blogger LBseahag said...

Is he speaking portuguese?

At 3:43 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Satan...why didnt you tell me you had herpes?

At 4:38 PM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

Arr...T' be about time Satan got a friend. Now they can play naughty with each other.

Here be the Capt's question
What do ye want to burn Men's Souls for?

...Why not give everybody ice cream.

At 7:53 PM, Blogger Lady K said...

Why am I suddenly VERY thirsty when I come here?

At 8:41 PM, Blogger DorianGray1854 said...

How come man is so devoted to material possesions, and if you can answer that, then why do some chics taste like green apple Jolly Ranchers and how come that damn owl feels the need to fuck with everyone and just bite into the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

Oh yeah and why don't you get a free one anymore if you find the indian shooting the star?

At 8:55 PM, Blogger Polyman2 said...

umm, Satan?
Is it true that
if you must choose
between 2 evils,
then pick the one you've
never tried before?

At 10:19 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

picking between two evils is like picking your nose. always best to go for both nostrils if possible...

At 11:57 PM, Blogger ing said...

Woah, Satan/Santa said he was going to be distributing advice, and now Jane is distributing advice, which -- and I'm no good at algebra -- means that Jane is Satan and Santa.


And Omar, I wish you hadn't swiped those pills Jesus gave me. Before you gobbled them up, I was going to return them. And now I suppose you'll not only have to answer to Jane for the theft, but to SATAN, LORD OF BRIMSTONE AND ETERNAL TORTURE, MWA HA HA HA ha ha harrrr. . .

At 1:26 AM, Blogger Satan said...

it appears that we already have these questions

shannon - what plans
i think i answered that one already but let me know if you think we need to expand on this topic further

ing - the train question

ihatesausage - pills

jane - where are the cat laxatives

lady hearteater - what sort of host is jesus christ

shannon again - why do you speak about ladies this way
this one sounds like it might be a little tougher to answer than her first one i think i am in trouble

jane - is mickey mouse satan

roximoon - why are we still wearing underwear

ibseahag - is he speaking portugese

bill the apostle - why didnt i tell him i had herpes

captain carl - what do you want to burn mens souls for and why not give everyone ice cream

lady hearteater again - why is she thirsty when she comes to this site

dorian gray - how come man is so devoted to material possesions

why do some chics taste like green apple jolly ranchers

how come that damn owl feels the need to fuck with everyone and just bite into the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop

why dont you get a free one anymore if you find the indian shooting the star

polyman2 - if you must choose
between 2 evils then pick the one youve never tried before

ing again - right

wow i sort of thought we would be giving out more advice on day to day dilemmas you face in your shitty pathetic lives but what the hell

i get behind thee and i will do our best on these

any more to add

At 1:47 AM, Blogger ing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 2:06 AM, Blogger ing said...

Also, was Charles Manson really Jesus, or did he just say that so everyone would love him?

At 2:07 AM, Blogger ing said...

And why is the sky blue?

At 2:07 AM, Blogger ing said...

Because of you?

At 2:08 AM, Blogger ing said...

Have you ever eaten fondĂșe?

At 2:09 AM, Blogger ing said...

Do you shop at J. Crew?

At 2:10 AM, Blogger ing said...

Me too.

At 2:30 AM, Blogger Mad Dog said...

You know Satan, you arent really the "top dog" of evil anymore. You've kinda lost your edge.

I mean there are way worse things around today like, Bjork and Mel Gibson.

At 9:36 AM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

Arrr.....Mad Dog be hadin it to ya on a platter!!

Thats the kinda a Pirate I need on me Boat.

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Pixie Sprinkle said...

I want to be on your platter!

At 12:42 PM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

The Captian be contemplating suicde now that his secrets out

At 1:11 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

you have a very large 'secret' captain. titter...

At 2:39 PM, Blogger Jasmine said...

I will swim miles to see you.
Want to play?



At 6:53 PM, Blogger Polyman2 said...

Yo Satan,
How do feel about oysters,
are they evil?

At 8:55 PM, Blogger kellywalters said...

take it the fuck off baby!

OHH yeah..

oh.. and by the way..

jane honey.. I found your cats pills but now I cant find my dogs sopositories.. you know.. satan thought those felt real good..

have you seen them jane?

btw.. satan.. I love your scaly strachy skin.. almost works better then my razor at getting the hair off.. and it dosnt grow back right away!

who said I need eyebrows.

At 9:27 PM, Blogger drunkbh said...

If you can't beat off with hooves, why don't you change one to a hand at least until the deed is done?

At 10:03 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

Roxi yes i do believe I saw them earlier - Satan had run out of shaving cream so i took them out the dog's arse and told him it was shave foam. he'll never know...

At 10:04 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Umm my last questions would be...

Why do birds sing so gay?

Do lawyers really go to hell?

Why do men totally suck azz?

Please answer these questions in the order they were received,*Psst answer mine first* Thanks!

At 6:12 AM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

Satan, I'm sorry I'm late here. The Hell Hummer got stuck on the Highway to Hell at the turnoff to Dante's Inferno. I know we've discussed my tardines before, but I did work late Friday night. I tried to cajole Shannon and Drunkbh into coming out to no avail. I called in every favor we ever had. I offered immortality, gift certificates to St. John etc etc, but these ladies were not about to part with their souls (or their clothing for that matter). I tried calling you on your HellPhone, but it just kept going straight into fucking VM.

I'm trying my best, but I need your driection/help in rounding up some tappable ass for the annual orgy this Saturday. Do I have clearance to offer any other inducements to the ladies for pics/sexual favors? This is a very slow quarter for us.

At 8:39 AM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Satan, You are tagged, luv, however loosely.

At 11:22 AM, Blogger Dongley Shlongford said...


Men will generally suck ass.
All you have to do is ask, and provide a reach around.

At 12:11 PM, Blogger Eve said...

Satan- I haven't gotten a dose of your evil in a few days.

Boo hoo. Poor me... =(

Guess I haven't been naughty enough?!

At 12:17 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Thanks horsey dude thingie for answering my question..=)

At 1:02 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

I think, Get behind Thee is hot..

Satan, we have lots to discuss.. but you need to answer our questions like you pormised.. we are all waiting! It's been days.. what the hell!!

At 1:03 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Promised* Even.. Today sucks!

At 4:32 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...


I have totally risen and shit... again!

At 4:33 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Hey, you guys wanna go see gwar again?

At 1:04 PM, Blogger kellywalters said...

fuck yeah he'll never know


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