Saturday, January 28, 2006

Hell Convention and Visitors Bureau

Welcome to Hell, the Underworld's largest region. Where blue skies don't exist and there are miles of flaming beaches along the fiery seas of lava creating a gentle Mediterranean climate which begs for a day of everything and nothing. Bordered by Mexico, the Middle East, Somalia and the Sudan, Hell's infinite square miles offer immense options for business and pleasure.

Visitor Information: General Visitors Information for Hell - tips and information on Hell.

Free Vacation Planning and Tips: Vacation in Hell yes you will be in Hell.

Where to Stay: Hotel Hell - check out anytime you like but you can never leave.

Things to do:
Torture Museum
Elvis Performing Nightly
Dante's - Nine Levels of Shopping

Getting Around: Charon's River Shuttle Service

Dining and Nightlife:
Fine Dining

The Weather in Hell


At 11:55 PM, Blogger Eve said...

I just booked my flight, PLUS, got bonus frequent flyer miles! Woo Hoo!

At 12:11 AM, Blogger DEATH said...

I remember that Kid by the sign, I brought him by a couple of years ago.
Anyhow Nobody really appreciates what I do.
I provide a service for everyone, literally.
I constantly get poked fun at too. Those Holloween costumes aren't funny. Satan can probably back me up here, but he likes the attention.
You know sometimes I wish I could just stop.
Talking about living for your work,
it is my whole exisitence.
So when I heard Satan had a place to vent, I naturally came by to check it out.
I have decided it would be to much work to set up my own place and besides this is hell.
So now you'll will be hearing my tale exclusively here.
working for the weekend
that never comes

At 12:27 AM, Blogger YellowSock said...

Please tell me there's better Mexican food than that. I realize you are behind their empire but I cannot spend eternity eating it. That would make Hell seem like Hell.

At 3:54 AM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Dear Satan,

You are funny as hell. The catholics wish they were half as funny as you. Course, you probably have most of them anyway.

Is Santa there? I'd like to know. I love Christmas.

At 6:27 AM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Okay there is a rumour out there that I'm gay. If by gay you mean I fuck dudes up the ass then yeah I guess I am. But I also enjoy women, mostly nipple torture and shit like that but I totally dig screwing women if they are being debased or tortured in some manner.

Is everyone clear?? Can you all handle it? Fuck.

And Satan I"m just being your friend dog, keep chasing after Shannon. All I'm saying is you look like a poon.

At 8:34 AM, Blogger LBseahag said...

If that blonde guy is the only single guy in heaven, i better start feeding the poor and helping elderly ladies...

At 9:35 AM, Blogger ing said...

I'ts easy to turn the tables on Bill; he can't even tie a knot (hence the boots). All you need is a little ether and a pair of panty hose and he's all yours.

I'm not spending my vacation in hell unless I get full & free access to the bar.

At 10:37 AM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Ing....come back baby

At 4:15 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Well it looks like this blog has just about run its course.

At 5:08 PM, Blogger Victor said...

You forgot the worldstone chamber.

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Hale Bopp said...

what???? disneyland?

under my plan, big donors to satan like disney, microsoft, amoco, clear channel communications, etc, will now be limited like everyone else to making direct, hard money contributions to satan. none of this money under the table shit...

moreoever, i'm putting up better signage to hell. i was thinking of a more elaborate "gates of hell" gothic design.

y'know...jazz up the fuckin' place. once you walk in, you grab a cocktail and enjoy some hors d'overves.....or just hors....(or ho's--as i prefer to call them..)

At 6:45 PM, Blogger Hale Bopp said...

if elected i'll appoint bill to be there at the gates to fuck dudes in the ass and implement nipple torture and shit.

At 6:52 PM, Blogger ing said...

You want Bill? Wait, let me wake him up. . .

At 7:19 PM, Blogger Satan said...

jesus you can smoke my pole

nowhere girl you are welcome to visit hell anytime

i will make certain that you get the vip treatment

death you know how i feel man

i have nothing but love for you and i have your back

your job is a bitch

ihatesausage part of being in hell is suffering and that is suffering

but between you and me we can get fanfuckingtastic mexican food there anytime we want

erin we have most of the catholic priests

santa is not here he is still alive and comes to my house every year

bill the apostle noted

you are not gay you just like to be crammed in the ass

got it

lbseahag you need to revisit my post dated 1/15/2006

i think your question will be adequately answered

jesus christ you can smoke my pole

i guess i already said that

ing that is great work

keep recruiting bill he is playing for the wrong team

gene your attempts to run for mayor of hell are fruitless

hell is a monarchy and i am the lord of the underworld

might i suggest a revolution

At 7:20 PM, Blogger Melanhead said...

Has New Orleans been annexed by Hell? Was Katrina your doing? Pure genius if it was... all those 'gators flooding into peoples' homes and eating the poor schmucks.

At 7:26 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Dude, are you coming over for drunken fire jenga later?

At 7:29 PM, Blogger Satan said...

i was going to come over for drunken fire jenga later but you have been sort of an asshole lately

i might just hang out at home and have a hot pocket and watch made o nmtv

At 7:40 PM, Blogger Calzone said...

Made is fucking totally cool dog. I like wacking off to fat chicks trying to be popular and shit like that.

At 7:41 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Where the fuck is shannon?

Did Satan put all is eggs in one very tight asshole?

You'll thank me when all this is over dog.

At 7:52 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Jeez, I had no idea how sensitive you are. I may have to start calling you the clit of the underworld.

The dark clit.


I won't tease you anymore for awhile, I promise. Now come on back and I'll get you wasted and let you look through my moms underwear drawer... just like when we were kids.

At 7:56 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

He's probalby fucking dialing Shannon over and over again. Leaving messages on her cell.

"Shannon? yeah hey its me..Satan. Umm I know that you said you had plans tonight but I uhh...I dont know I was just hanging out thinking about you...and I ummm.

Meanwhile Shannon is getting laid missionary style by some guy named Todd after 3 margaritas trying as hard as she can to not make any noise when she comes.

You might be pissed now but you'll fucking thank me.

At 8:08 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Something tells me she's never been with a guy that could make her cum.

At 8:16 PM, Blogger Gorgs said...

Dude I totally made Shannon cum, you were there remember?

At 8:33 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Bill~ It's 4 drinks, not 3.. how many times do I have to tell you this??

At 8:37 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Shannon...Four...all right. But this time when I'm like working it and biting your nipples and shit and like spanking you and screaming...just let me know you know I'm there all right baby?

At 8:47 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

I really do feel sad about fucking with satan too hard. Damn.

At 8:47 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Bill~ I will do my best.. miracles do happen.. so I've heard... =)

At 8:52 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Jesus~ Write him a letter... and post it in here so we can all read it too...if it's too personal then email it to him.. maybe he will forgive you if you take him to TGIF or whatever that place is you all love.

At 9:08 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

I offered him my moms underwear drawer. I thought for sure he'd be into that. I guess I'll write a letter. He's just so sensitive.
Like a girl.

At 9:31 PM, Blogger Pixie Sprinkle said...

i'm here for the catholic priests. which one of you called??

At 10:59 PM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

ARRRR.....sorry I cant keep Carla under seems she be havin a mind of her own.........look Carla for the last time those guys be likin little boys..........

At 11:09 PM, Blogger DEATH said...

has anybody seen Meet Joe Black,
Brad Pitt made me look very sexy.
I really look more like my picture here but whatever. Has anybody seen Monty Python the meaning of Life? I love that part with me in it, and the part where the naked jogging ladies chase that dude off a cliff. Remember that guy saying he didnt eat the bad food but he died anyways. I know he didn't eat the bad food, but what an asshole to point that out to me, so I took him anyway. I know that was a movie and all but its what I would have done. They all made it to Heaven anyways.

At 11:36 PM, Blogger sugarpunk said...

so satan.. are you doing a charter set up for a blogger vacation.. ?

At 6:07 AM, Blogger boo said...

dude looks like eminem

At 8:10 AM, Blogger Satan said...

dont worry dudes

i have been secretly tapping ihatesausage

she really loves sausage

her link has been added to the my blog

shannon is a good girl

shes cool with what i got going with ihatesausage

hey bill i think we could get ihatesausage to do the two man hogsaw if you are interested

At 9:01 AM, Blogger Gorgs said...

Yo Bill you better take him up on that shit, yo.

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

I'm always fucking interested.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger Chuck Dawson said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 9:56 AM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Please come home.

At 10:25 AM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

what the fuck and shit like that....Dude...where the fuck is I get Behind thee

At 10:49 AM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

What you got g?

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Gorgs said...

Man, Hell is Home is so fucking hot right now.

No pun intended, yo.

At 11:00 AM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

IGBT, will you tell satan I'm sorry and shit.

At 11:14 AM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

Satan knows you're sorry champ. He knows didn't mean to mess yourself after you passed out at Cheetahs on Friday. That's what you get when you drop all those buttery nipples and other chick shots. Especially after all the ice you were packing g.

At 11:26 AM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Well I just miss that guy. It's like he never comes around anymore. I'm totally going to take him out for a bloomin' onion from max and erma's and shit.

At 11:47 AM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

I think Shannon broke his heart. He's a champ..I miss him

At 11:47 AM, Blogger Satan said...

as long as you are sorry i forgive you

you just hurt my feelings knocking my blog like that

it has taken me a lot of effort to step into the twenty first century recruiting tactics for souls

and then to be criticised so harshly by you

it hurt

i am doing the best i can out here with tempting souls to come to me

i work my god damn pointy tail off to rob you of good people

while i have made great strides with catholic priests there is still a lot of work to do out there in blog land

have you seen all the bible thumpers out there

and they are so rigid in their beliefs

how am i going to corrupt them

this job is just so overwhelming some days

and then with all that pressure i am getting from cowbell gene

i spent all morning curled up in the fetal position crying quietly to myself

being lord of the underworld is not always as much fun as it looks

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Shannon said...

Huh?? I didn't do anything!! Satan is evil, he has no heart, how can it break?? It's all about getting "tail" in hell, that's it... nothing more.. now hush!

At 11:56 AM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

well in all honesty I happen to love your site. I just ruffle your feathers, little guy. That's all.

And you've been a big hit.

you've taken nowhere girl from me (and I really liked her too)

You've taken Erin (well, she was on the fence at best from the beginning, but you totally won.)

Jungle Jane has never even stopped by (She has always been yours)

shannon has never been by and she's totally hot.

You're not exactly unsuccessful over here.

Let's get drunk and wager some souls like in the old days (before I was born and shit)

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

I called one of Erins friends a cocksucker....that might have sealed the deal

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Oh and I I actually asked Nowhere girls friend Jesus toast to suck my cock

At 12:04 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Jungle Jane and I love each other but have a history

At 12:17 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Oh, well that's nice Bill.

Keep up the good work.


Satan, shoot me an email, b. I think you already know how to find me.

At 12:47 PM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

Bill, just saw your brawl with the hairy prison guy. Good heavens. You were pretty mad. Reminds me of the time we brought home those girls from Skateland and yours had outdoor plumbing. You were seriously pissed. Try the lexapro, bra! Its worked wonders for me.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

Bill, where you at g-unit? You get the afternoon shift at Blockbuster again?

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Jasmine said...

Oh, looks hot! ;)


At 3:20 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

I wasnt mad dilly...I just like to play

At 3:21 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

What kind of minion says good heavens?


At 3:28 PM, Blogger Satan said...

dont even try to punk my minions bill

sure he looks like a pussy and he says good heavens and shit

but you dont want to see i get behind thee pissed off

that dude will rip your head off and shit down your windpipe

i get behind thee remember that time we were at magic mountain and that dude knocked my snowcone out of my hand and you went all apeshit on him

they had to close down that section of the park and get one of those kids with a broom and dustpan to clean it up before anyone could ride on that superman ride again

At 4:52 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Are you fucking shitting me??? Tear my head off and shit down my throat???

I fucking love that shit

At 5:15 PM, Blogger DEATH said... were the one that fucked up the superman ride. Just after you left there was still shit on the track and it derailed and I ended up having to take like 23 souls to heaven. Then they were all askin how they died and I had to explain that the dark overlord and his minion got into a fight over a snocone, and thats why they all died.
Whenever you guys fuck around it just means more work for me.

At 5:52 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Satan, dude, shoot me an email dog. We just set up the Christ account and shit.

Don't leave the JC with his cock in his hand.

At 8:02 AM, Blogger PDD said...

Listen, if you are going to win my vote you've gotta provide some good cab, dude.


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