Monday, January 30, 2006

consult the dark forces - what would satan do

it is that time of the week again

i get behind thee and i are here and are ready to field questions regarding your daily life

this week, we will select one or two questions

last week was too much damn work

ask us a question and we will provide an answer that should help you earn your way into hell

remember getting into hell is never a sure thing so it is important that you start living your life the right way to make certain that your place there is secured

if you don't plan ahead then you may have to lose a fiddle playing contest to get in and to be honest i am not that good if i dont have the band of demons joining in to make an evil hiss


At 8:09 PM, Blogger Calzone said...

Why the fuck do I sit here covered in blood night after fucking night with a disemboweled dead virgin in my lap calling your name and you never fucking show?

At 8:12 PM, Blogger YellowSock said...

Same question as last week...who gets Hasselhoff? I need to know. This is serious Satan. I'll wear the nun outfit if you riddle me this.

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Ask me a question...fuck. Remember when we were at that party and I gave you all those percocets and you had like a shit load of Pabst Blue Ribbons and all of a sudden you were like sweating your ass off and you were all "dude I gotta go can you give me a ride"? So we split but as soon as we got outside you were fucking shivering and shit "Like I'm all fucking cold get me back inside" and we did that for like an hour as soon as we got in you freaked out and had to leave and as soon as we got outside you started shaking like a whore in church and made me take you back in

Finally I'm like "Fuck this sucks dude either stay here or go home I dont give a fuck but I'm out" and you were all like "ask me a question?"

you were fucking wasted...oh yeah my question...Did you ever try on the pink sock with Shannon? and why did she dump you?

At 9:00 PM, Blogger Melanhead said...

Do I have to masturbate every day to secure a spot? What about the days when I'm on the rag? I don't like getting pulpy blood on my fingers.

At 9:06 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Dude, do you remember that time when you bet us that you could hit the 5 footer and not get high and it was like the first or second time you'd ever smoked pot and Slim put his hands over you mouth and you held the whole hit in for like a minute... then passed out in the bathroom next to the toilet.

My question is, do you have any idea how many fine ass girls were right over your head everytime they had to use the bathroom? Were you really passed out or just checking out the hedges? I would've stayed there all night.

Dude, are you ever going to hit us up on the email?

I guess that was actually 3 questions.

Sorry, again.

At 9:30 PM, Blogger Eve said...

You're going to hell if you don't email me back.

Tata, goodnight... ;)

At 9:49 PM, Blogger LBseahag said...

how come God got a cool movie with George Burns and John Denver and you didnt?

At 11:50 PM, Blogger ing said...


1. What up, beaotch?

2. Will you still love me tomorrow?

3. To whom did Thom Jones dedicate The
Pugilist At Rest

4. Should I continue this thing I have with Bill? It
feels so right, Satan! So wrong and so right!

At 4:57 AM, Blogger boo said...

what would satan do to detached eyeballs that looked like swimming sperm?

At 7:44 AM, Blogger sugarpunk said...

uh satan.. did you take my stash?

bill thanks for dropping in like that.. lick my boots fucker..

igbt: .. were you that guy poking my ass at the 50 cent show last year..

At 7:57 AM, Blogger PDD said...

Does swallowing as opposed to spitting heighten my chances into hell?

At 8:11 AM, Blogger kellywalters said...

If anal is so good why arent all men gay?

thats my question..

now.. on to the interesting stuff..

So satan.. what up yo?

At 9:19 AM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

Sugarpunk, that couldn't have been me. If it were, you'd have KNOWN it mamma! You'd been lifted up onto stage w/ fitty and the G unit posse. Word.

Oops. Almost forgot to say a few things in a nod to Bill. Ahem.

Fuck. Shit. Fucker. Fuckin shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

That should do it!

At 10:03 AM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Good heavens!

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Eve said...

I had the most disturbing dream last night regarding oral sex and a family member. Ugghhh. I hate that. I'm going to hell, aren't I?!

Though, we already knew that...

At 12:39 PM, Blogger PDD said...

Nowhere Girl, please elaborate.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Satan said...

yes please elaborate while referring to me as uncle satan

At 2:00 PM, Blogger PDD said...


At 4:34 PM, Blogger Eve said...

he he... ELABORATE?! It was bad enough living through it once. *roll eyes*

My brother, though he kept morphing into someone else. I don't know who, though I think it's this guy who works at Walgreens. Anyhoo, I was performing it. My husband kept walking by, putting away groceries.

It was the most FUCKED up thing?!

At 5:13 PM, Blogger Bob Dole said...

Remember that night where you and Bob Dole held each other so closely staring into the shivering night. Touching Bob Dole, ever so softly, passionately, holding Bob Dole, then you turned to Bob Dole and said you were Satan-lord of darkness. and Bob Dole ran away screaming "Bob Dole doesn't believe you anymore!!!!!!"

Well, Bob Dole has returned. Bob Dole is comfortable with the tropical heat and the lack of waterskiing. Bob Dole thinks he can get a good tan down there.

Take Bob Dole!!!!!

At 5:18 PM, Blogger Hale Bopp said...

do ya see you lecher! you're even stealing away the politicians! (although, you really should shoot for the ones that are actually in office and aren't trying to get their hot rod revvin'.

honestly dude, i was all behind you and shit. i had my club membership to "friends of satan" and shit. but you did a total 360 on us!!!! (or was it a 180?)...i dunno....anyway, dude you smoked all our hash, took all the gigolo demon whores and restricted us from using your own private shitter.

now a few of us dudes have officially burned our "friends of satan" cards and resorting to taking dumps on bill's ten-gallon hat.

what the fuck satan?????

At 5:36 PM, Blogger Captain Carl said... do I be keepin my plastic dick from meltin down here?......

At 6:34 PM, Blogger Hairy Prison Guard said...

This is a very urgent situation for me as I am sure you can imagine since I am sure that you read my website where Mr. Bill the Apostle who is a huge and nasty jerk of a person and was very unpleasant and hostile towards me wrote all sorts of things about how I was not telling the truth about who I was just because I am a little bit concerned and do not want the people that I work with or any of the prisoners in the facility where I work to find out about how I am having a website and telling stories about the things that I have seen and the people that I am knowing down through the years and so on and so forth. So I am deciding to ask you a question about Mr. Bill the Apostle and about my website just in case you have the true knowledge about things which you just might. I mean I know that Jesus Christ, my personal Lord and savior (not the person that I think is the pretend Jesus Christ who has a pretend website whereh he plays a Jesus Christ person who is quite a dirty sinner person), knows the truth that is in my heart and the real reasons why I said the things I said about where I work. But I thought I would ask you too since you probably also know since from what I have read about you you are pretty much most of the places that the real Jesus Christ is too and just as knowledgeable. Anyway, here are the questions that I have for you and I hope that you could please be willing to answer these questions and that you would be please could be willing to answer these questions in the truthfullest way that you can.

First, why is Mr. Bill the Apostle Big Joke such a nasty, mean-spirited person?

Second, am I telling the truth about who I am in the website that I am writing - or in other words, would you please just tell everybody who has come over to read my website and who has seen the terrible things that Mr. Joke Billy the Apustule had to say about me that I am really a prison guard and that I have a real job and that I am just trying to have a website where I tell stories about the people I have known and the things that I have seen.

Thank you. You can not have my soul, by the way. I am a believer in Christ the Lord.

At 7:09 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

I'm starting to become attracted to Hairy

At 7:23 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

Did someone say my name? 3-4 times?

At 8:01 PM, Blogger Satan said...

nowhere girl

your brother

even i think that is fucked up

jesus christ no i didnt hear anyone say douchebag

hairy prison guard i understand how you feel

bill the apostle can sometimes be mean and his friends can sometimes be very judgmental

you really should consider hanging around with me

we could use someone in hell with your prison guard qualifications

trust me hairy prison guard

i know what is best for you

now come stay hang out with me for a while

can i interest you in a little friendly wager on a fiddle playing contest

perhaps an eternity

At 6:44 AM, Blogger PDD said...

I have tears I'm laughing so hard.

At 6:46 AM, Blogger PDD said...

Satan, you look as though you would have a big dick.

Even though I have already nailed a lord of the underworld, I wouldn't mind giving it another go.

Are you in?


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