Thursday, January 19, 2006

this is what they always say about me

they say i hate you

i get nothing but bad press and negative stuff said about me

i am tired of that crap

look around you i clearly love you people

i made all the stuff you really want in life

money and greed lust and sex gluttony coveting your neighbors wife and ass and wifes ass

you all like it you all love it you all constantly use these gifts i gave to you yet all i ever get is satan is bad satan is evil

shannon doesnt want to be seen with me cuz you all talk shit about me all the time

meanwhile he gets this

sometimes it makes me want to explode and release a pestilence upon the world

jesus loves me
jesus loves you
jesus loves us
jesus loves kittens


youve met the guy

why does everyone think i am such a bad guy

i love you i want you to come spend eternity with me
i love kittens they taste almost as good as baby seal

all i want is a little lovin

can i have a hug


At 8:05 PM, Blogger drunkbh said...

You created sex???? I definatly love you then.

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

lmao.. you get points just for the snowman one... you are hysterical... I give you that!! =)

At 8:20 PM, Blogger Calzone said...

look dude, maybe if you were more punctual..last night I killed a virgin, made a pentagram and kept calling your ass.

You never fucking show up, you were probably chilling with Bill at fucking Applebees or somethin.

At 8:21 PM, Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Whats up dilly?

Good time at Applebees and shit. I think Jesus wants to hang out later but if he aint down lets go pull some ticks

At 8:33 PM, Blogger J to the fucking C said...

That shit about the kittens is a total lie. Fuck kittens.

At 8:46 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

Whoever said that has dyslexia. They really meant Santa hates you. it's just a spelling error gone wrong. it was probably started by Shannon...

At 9:16 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Ohhh I would never get Santa and Satan mixed up... Santa brings me presents and Satan brings me nightmares... big difference there!

At 9:16 PM, Blogger Satan said...

jungle jane dont be hatin on shannon

there is enough satan to go around baby

jesus christ you know i love kittens and baby seals and bearded clams

calzone i am so sorry i was out with bill at applebees
i was kind of hopin that shannon would show up

next time i am going to outback and wait for jungle jane

while shannon is obsessed with me she totally plays games i think she is afraid that her friends will think less of her if she starts dating satan

baby we were made for each other and your friends will just have to deal

and if they cant deal i will just start hanging with drunkbh and jane

they know how to treat a demon

im in for later bill but if jesus christ is going i might ditch out

he cops such a pussy attitude when i am around

hes all like why you movin in on all my ladies

and im like dude there are like 90 ladies here i think there are plenty to share

plus now that i am starting to see shannon more he is so jealous

im not sure if he wants to be with shannon or with me but he is kind of a spaz whenever im around her

remember how he used to act when you were tappin wallycrawler


At 9:26 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

I'm sorry Satan.. I think Jungle Jane is more suited for ya.. you two get along well....

But we will always have the memories!

At 9:32 PM, Blogger Satan said...

are you breaking up with me

what the hell

baby dont go we got something special

sure jane and me we like trading juices ever now and then but its just kicks it aint nothin

you and i are meant for each other

im not sure i can rule hell without you i cant think straight right now i gotta go

shit that hurts

At 9:50 PM, Blogger sugarpunk said...

damnit i always miss the satan daddy love orgy...

*sniff sniff*

At 9:56 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Ok.. I am sorry.. forget what I said... sleep well Satan.. you little devil you!

At 10:36 PM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

It must be rough bein a evil overlord and all. (sniff Sniff)
You should try sailin the seas when the big man is upset!

At 11:08 PM, Blogger kellywalters said...

* hugs*

Its ok satan..

but.. I have a problem here.. I'm not much for the extremes ya know?? Hellish heat.. Devilish cold.. cant there be a happy medium?

You know.. I would gladly follow you but I am also not for the killing shit..

Evil is I guess just not my thing.. I only have a limited amount and I choose to use it wisley..

any ideas on that??

btw.. thanks for sex.. its heavenly

At 12:38 AM, Blogger ing said...


You might have more luck with the ladies if you get a chemical peel and some face cream. You've been neglecting the skin. Put your best face forward.

Best of luck,

At 1:44 AM, Blogger jungle jane said...

shannon i am soooo stepping out the way for you and satan to get it on. you two look so cute together. and he's got a hat just like yours too.

you're cool if i still suck his dick though? of course i won't swallow - he belongs to you...

At 3:48 AM, Blogger LBseahag said...

I wanna do more than hug you...

and i am jealous of that teddybear in bed with the hot chick. and the guy watching.

At 4:37 AM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Dear Santa,

Please tell me why all men want to put their hot dog in the Hershey highway or between the milk duds when there is a perfectly suited bearded clam just for this purpose.



At 6:23 AM, Blogger HighMaintenanceHussy said...

i thought you just created sodomy. either way, kudos!

At 6:56 AM, Blogger waygon112 said...

Satan -
I'll give you a hug as you requested, just don't pull that sodomy thing again, I'm still having trouble at work explaining why I can't sit down while working on the computer.

At 7:02 AM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

Hello. I am one of Satan's minions. I serve at His pleasure. I have a seat in the limo, a spot on the company tab, I fuck up any of Jesus' apostles that get in our face at the bars, etc etc.

I also take any ass scraps that Satan doesn't choose to nail, so don't go away hungry ladies!

At 7:39 AM, Blogger Eve said...

hot sexy biatch!

At 7:51 AM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

NWG, let me temp you with otherworldly pleasures. Sure, there will be days you get some action from The Big Cheese. But we can't ALL schtupp Satan ALL the time. That's where I come in. Usually around 5-6am after a long night at the bars with Satan and the other minions. There's usually a hot dog vendor on the sidewalk where we roll. I'll throw a couple of dogs down ya, then bada-boom bada-bing, back to Hell in S's stretch Hummer.

The door's open but the ride it aint free....

At 8:03 AM, Blogger PDD said...

Erin's question is of most importance for our century so put down the crack pipe, Satan and answer her promptly.

As for a hug or giving up my eternal life to live with you, I will only do so if you provide the most expensive cabs, all the time. Oh, and of course, good sex and cigarettes. If you could promise me these three things, I'm all yours.

At 8:07 AM, Blogger Satan said...

i get behind thee

does it sound like shannon and i are back together

also just to clear this whole thing up

sex is not mine

hot steamy naughty sex is mine

if you want to lay there in the missionary position like a floormat then thank your good buddy jesus christ

but if you want to rock out to some nasty shit like a dirty sanchez or perhaps get a little brown buttered lovin

well then i am your demon of choice

i get thee behind actually came up with the hot carl and the chili dog all by himself

he never patented the move so he never gets credit but i was there when he said

hey satan watch this and then crapped on his ladies chest creating the hot carl

then he rubbed it between the fun bags with his little i get thee behind resulting in a chili dog

he is a sodomite genius that boy

At 8:11 AM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

S, remeber the time after we hit Ghost Club for like, 10 f'n hours and took those two whores back to Circus Circus and yours passed out and dropped a couple friends off at the lake in your bed? Do you still have those pics?

At 8:23 AM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

The Capt has to change rain suits after reading this dirty blog.

The Sea is the Cap's mistress, how do I have sex with her HUH? HUH?

Who created SEA SEX? Can they Show me how?

I shall do the Rock Lobster until someone can fill me in.

At 8:27 AM, Blogger Satan said...

circus circus was a shit hole id rather be in hell then go back there again

i had to throw away my fur lined swing after that little episode

anyone seen jesus christ around lately

im concerned that he may have been crucified again

sometimes he is dead for like three days or so and then suddenly pops back up

At 8:28 AM, Blogger Satan said...

ever hump a dolphin capn carl

they are sort of the sheep of the sea

At 8:43 AM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

The Cap't has tried to catch himself a Dolphin or 2 but they are constantly dying in the Cap't Tuna nets, so he has but one choice........Eat them!!!!

At 8:45 AM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

If you see JC ask him to clear up the skies for the good cap't it has rained hear for about 30 days straight and there is gonna be a floody floody

At 8:50 AM, Blogger Satan said...

um carl

dont you have a boat

quit being a pussy

if you want it to quit raining why not try praying

because it doesn't work

thats right which is why you came to me for advice

you have a boat

get in the boat

boat around in the flood waters and steal jewelry from the people that drown

find hot chicks that are stranded on their rooftops and pick up only the hot girls

you can really use this to your evil advantage if you just calm down and think about yourself for a few moments

perhaps satan needs to start up a little advice column

you pathetic humans can submit questions to me the lord of the underworld and i get thee behind and i can then provide sage advice on how to conduct your meaningless little lives

would you like that you pathetic piece of shit

At 9:19 AM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

Ayyeee...You are truly a scurvy cumbscrubber of a being Satan.

T' be bad for the Cap't to follow your advice as tempting as it is.

You are the same fellow that made singers like Britney Spears famous.
Sure she may be fun to look at for like an hour but when she sings it burns the good Cap'ts ears. This punishment should be saved for hell and not the people of the earth. You are blowing your load a little early.

At 9:27 AM, Blogger Satan said...

captain carl

that is why god invented the remote control

do like i do and turn the volume off

then you can watch brittany or jessica simpson strut their stuff without having to hear them sing

that seals it

you people need the advice of satan and i get thee behind me

it is a service we will begin to provide

At 10:00 AM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

Arr I'd like to say "Thank God For the Remote!"

I'd also like to say it's kind of you to start an advice column, but a master of evil such as your self just cant be trusted

Your lies are foul as the stinch of Carls sea boots when he hasn't been to port in a while

At 10:05 AM, Blogger DorianGray1854 said...

Big S. don't be down.

Ladies sometimes us fellas just get curious and we need to express ourselves in as many orifices as possible, I say we should deserve brownie points for adding spark. The reason we need to keep going back is because we have problems sometimes remembering certain feelings and need to be constantly reminded. Love us and let us in!!

At 11:08 AM, Blogger Shannon said...

Satan~ We are just feeling things out right now...

I think we lost that loving feeling, it will take some time and a few drinks to get me thru it..

I hope you're ready for tonite.. this better be fun.. and don't be cheap tonite.. I may want the sundae afterwards (if it doesn't melt before I get it)

That reminds me.. Turn the heat down a bit... it's hard to keep a hair style down here..

Did you tell everyone eles about the party??

At 11:16 AM, Blogger I Get Behind Thee said...

Shannon, I will pick up up around 11 and take you to see El Grande Heat Miser. Don't wear anything too.....complicated.

And if you could bring a couple honies for us Minions, why we'd be mighty thankful.

At 11:45 AM, Blogger jungle jane said...

Gee Dorian, and here was me thinking it was just because men were crap at following directions....

At 12:38 PM, Blogger Captain Carl said...

Satan, me thinks you need a vaction from your ol evil self and go somewhere a little less hot
maybe think up some new temptations for man or maybe even a good plague

Jane, the Cap loses direction all the time without his compass, maybe I could get lost in your Southern Seas.

Dorian, Arrr where did you dig up that load of Barnacle

Shannon, If you hang with Satan dont get to involved and repent when your done( but you have to mean it)

At 1:09 PM, Blogger DorianGray1854 said...

I'm a listener Baby, once I've learned something it sticks like a infant to a tit.

My soul is corrupt and my skills are perfected.

At 1:14 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

I'm not sure if i'm corrupt or not. is using butt-plugs as stops on the Holy Communion wine bottle good or bad?

At 1:24 PM, Blogger DorianGray1854 said...

Does that mean you attend church or just steal the wine to get fucked up on like me.

At 1:38 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Carl~ We are not involved like that... the most we ever did was kiss I think, but his face burned me and we had to stop...

I hope he isin't spreading rumors..*sigh*

Just bring alot of booze, I hope I can make it but if I can't make sure Satan has fun without me.. women, booze and rock should do it! =)

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Jasmine said...

Hey you big horny guy! Is you temperature up?



At 5:31 PM, Blogger Lady K said...

Is Jesus BARNEY in disguise? MAN I hate that purple fucker. Can ya do something about getting him OUT?

At 7:35 PM, Blogger Lee Ann said...

Satan, now, I know you love me, you said so!
So sweet...uh, I won't tell anyone, I promise.

At 7:37 PM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...


I think finding new uses for any household item is pure genius.

Cock rings, for instance, do nicely in place of ponytail holders (when you're in a pinch).

At 9:04 PM, Blogger Satan said...

yeah captain carl shannon and i have just kissed

if by just kissed you mean made out for like 2 hours

At 9:05 PM, Blogger Satan said...

lee ann dont tell anyone especially shannon but i will swing by later for a litte booty call

At 10:46 AM, Blogger jamwall said...

dudes! i fucking missed a party!

At 10:48 AM, Blogger jamwall said...

sorry, i fucking woke up in pamplona, spain with a bull's horn up my ass and a pair of bullfighters undies shoved in my mouth.

it was hot!


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