Saturday, December 16, 2006

ask satan saturday

screw you

i know it is sunday already

i went on a bender and was pretty much passed out all day saturday so you get it today now shut the hell up and bow to the lord of the underworld

scottsdale girl

irritable bowel syndrom help me is not a question

the only question in your post was am i supposed to wait to post this

my advice is no

you should have posted your question yesterday and it should have been a question

you are now effed and will suffer with irritable bowel syndrom for the rest of your life

fortunately for you i happen to know that wont be much longer and then you will spend eternity with me and i have something much worse in store for you than irritable bowel syndrom

see you next week

now apologize cook me a nice meal and perform oral sex

tom bailey

you get one question and the first question you asked was are you having this questioning here on saturday because you know that was the original sabbath on purpose

my answer is no

i had it on saturday because it turns out that was convenient for the lord of the underworld

please stop trying to show everyone how brilliant you are and get with the program

you need to apologize to t for insulting his blog and then cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him

baron ectar

whenever i get my hands on a sick angel that will not follow directions i cut off its wings and drink its blood

now that technique doesnt work for everyone

you may want to tie the angel up and beat it until it is more submissive

ball gags are a good idea

then when you are finished torturing said angel apologize cook the angel a nice meal and perform oral sex on it

t your question was why do i collect souls is it a hobby thing

great question

some people collect stamps
some people collect coins
some people make pot holders

those people suck

i collect souls because collecting souls is a bloodsport

jesus and god are a tag team and they have been in a competition with me since the beginning of time

we have a one dollar bet on who can collect the most souls and i am going to beat those two pussies like a drum

i assure you that i am way ahead

now apologize to someone make them a nice meal and perform oral sex on them


not all cowboys are minions of mine although i am working on them

certainly the ones that compare women to steers are mine

especially the ones that use steers instead of women for certain activities

and i am not talking cheeseburgers

now you need to apologize to the cowboys cook them a nice meal and perform oral sex on them


holiday time is always stressful when it comes to spending time with family

dont be afraid to be selfish

my advice is to come home a day early apologize to your boyfriend cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him


you asked exactly what makes satan tick

that is a very difficult question and cannot be answered to the extent necessary in this post but suffice it to say that the primary thing that makes satan tick is a good apology a nice meal and oral sex

now make me tick baby


i do not paint my hooves

paint and nail polish are infammable or flammable

i can never get that straight

either way it means to burn although one looks like the negative of the other

the shit burns

so i dont use it

i have had a hoovicure once or twice when a big event was coming up and i can tell you that it looked positively stunning

when i used my hooves on myself it was almost like cheating on my own hooves

now obrien you need to apologize to satan cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him

crashtest dummy

you asked for advice for someone who fell into an artistic funk and is trying to mount a comedic comeback

there are two ways to go about this

first you can really dedicate yourself to the art and spend night and day day and night every waking moment working to improve yourself and your act

you can really hone you skills over the next several years with back breaking work unlimted effort

it will probably mean many sleepless nights riding in buses from town to town and eating cheap macaroni and cheese every night for dinner if you even can afford dinner

i mean it is going to take the ultimate amount of hard work and sacrifice

the second way is that you can sell me your soul and you will be a hit next week

its really up to you

now apologize to everyone who has ever been in your audience cook them a nice meal and perform oral sex on them


At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan.... Tsk Tsk.... First I believe I have nothing to apologize for. I am quite the extraordinary minion and you know it. I belong at the top of the alter, right there next to you. Nothing to apologize for there.

Cook you a nice meal? I am pretty good in the kitchen so I guess I should ask you what you want. And if you are a good lil' Satan I will be more than happy to oblige...

Oral Sex... How did I know before hand there would be some mention of this? Oh yeah! That's because I am also a brilliant minion!!! As for making you tick and giving it to you, well that depends on what you are gonna give me! Its a give a take world Satan! So whatcha got for me?

So far you have covered a few of the 7 deadly sins here... Gluttony, Lust and Greed.

By the way, when do I get my permanent Devil Horns???

At 2:58 PM, Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Thanks evil one!

At 5:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan.. You are getting funnier.

At 6:41 PM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Yeah, I did laugh at that one. But what's with the fixation on oral sex?

At 6:59 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...


"please stop trying to show everyone how brilliant you are and get with the program"

"you need to apologize to t for insulting his blog and then cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him"

Am I not as wise as a serpent yet harmless as a dove? t/ really does need to check his html issues on his site so he can start making more money and be happier. I am sorry that I am helping him see how to make more money selling his gear. I did say I was sorry to him.

It is interesting how you honored the true sabbath by being out on a bender. I hope a bender includes, fasting, prayer and worship and not lines of coke, heroin needles and amaglamation.

At 2:06 PM, Blogger Satan said...

you can certainly hope all you want mr bailey but the facts are what the facts are

now spend some time trying to fellate yourself

it might help you loosen up a bit

chalice chalice chalice

it is a give and take world

you minions give and i take


you are welcome

you are the only one that has returned to thank satan

thus you are the minion of the week and will receive special treatment in hell

bostick and enemy

i hope you dont mind that i shared our conversation from last night

youre really funny youre really funny

what do you mean im funny

its funny you know
its a good story
its funny
youre a funny guy

what do you mean
the way i talk

its just you know youre just funny
you know the way you tell the story and everything

funny how
i mean whats funny about it

satan you got it all wrong

whoa whoa whoa enemy
hes a big boy
he knows what he said
whatd you say
funny how

you know
youre funny

you mean lemme understand this
cause I dont know maybe its me
im a little fucked up maybe
but im funny how
funny like a clown
i amuse you
i make you laugh
im here to fuckin amuse you
what do you mean funny
funny how
how am I funny

its just
you know how you tell the story what

no no i don't know
you said it
how do I know
you said im funny
how the fuck am I funny
what the fuck is so funny about me
tell me
tell me whats funny

At 4:44 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Satan you might want to consider buying some knee pads for mrs. or girlfriend satan so that you stop obsessing over this oral fixation stuff.

Isnt satan more into sodomy?

I see that you posted a link to my site under tony robbins wannabe. Funny satan.

At 4:57 PM, Blogger Satan said...

yes my uptight friend tom bailey

i have indeed collected your soul

At 11:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Satan only have bobble dork on his blog.

I have "Time Magazine" Person of the Year award on my blog.

Who is giving oral sex now?

At 5:20 AM, Blogger Mone said...


At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what does satan eat before receiving oral sex?


At 9:46 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Do I have to do those three things in the order they were typed?

See ya soon honey!

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Satan said...

you have earned it

yes i am proud of you


scottsdale girl
the order is not important but it is important that you satisfy all three steps to completion

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I assume you mean swallow?

At 3:49 PM, Blogger Satan said...


you are correct in your assumption

you are becoming an excellent minion

At 5:19 PM, Blogger DykesDog said...

Shit I was out of town last weekend. Can I get a raincheck?

At 5:26 PM, Blogger Satan said...

satan dont give no effing rainchecks

but if you send a nudie picture to

i will see what i can do for ya

At 6:42 AM, Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Taking your advice, Almighty Goat, I hereby apologize to everyone who's ever seen my show.

Now unzip your fly, pull back your foreskin, & glubglubglbuglbugggggggglub.

At 7:29 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Satan, you are right I can be a bit uptight maybe. I have posted from a critic I think you inspired. Do you know these guys called "useless men"?

They posted a joke about my PMA. Positive mental attitude. I think you have some great humor on your blog, you seem funnier than they do.

At 8:30 AM, Blogger Satan said...

tom bailey

all men are useless

i am not familiar with these useless men of yours but i will stop by and collect their souls when i have a moment


thanks for the hummer

you have a perty mouth

where is my fucking meal

At 11:50 AM, Blogger ~d said...

My email got bounced back.
And it was a GOOD nudie, too!

At 2:09 PM, Blogger Satan said...

i need to fix that immediately

nothing ever works right in hell

it really pisses me off some times

you would think we could get decent internet and email service

after all it is full of porn

At 3:10 PM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

Do I have good positioning in hell or am I going to have some lame ass seat in the nosebleed section?

At 7:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Roses are red and satan is too,
now get off your ass and write a post or two.


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