Friday, December 15, 2006

ask satan saturday


what would satan do wednesday is dead and gone

but welcome in ask satan saturday

prepare your question and post it here

satan will give you

guidance and direction for your life
advice about love marriage and relationships
financial advice
information on how to be more like tom bailey

and will answer just about any other stupid or inane thing you come up with

i realize that you minions need my help and guidance and i am back in business

remember to buy my products and support hell and to tip your waiters and waitresses as they are working hard for all of us try the veal i will be here all week

34 Comments:

At 12:38 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Irritable Bowel Syndrome: HELP ME!

It's Friday. Not Saturday, am I supposed to WAIT to post this?

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger Satan said...

can't anyone follow directions

leave the question here on this post and i will provide guidance on saturday

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Satan, are you having this questioning here on sat. because you know that was the orginal sabbath on purpose?

Are you an agent of god to test us or a fallen angel?

If you dont know the theological answers a comedic one will suffice.

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger Baron Ectar said...

What do I do with a sick Angel that will not follow directions?

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Baron Ectar said...

Oh and Satan - Mooning is what Pez dispensers do with one another.

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger /t. said...

is this
collecting
of souls like
a hobby thing with you?

and what in hell do you do with all of these damned souls anyways?

i mean, it's not like anyone brings flesh or good booze with them.

just wondering

/t.

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Ok so don't read my question until tomorrow. Capiche?

 
At 4:34 PM, Blogger Baron Ectar said...

Satan - QUIT EMAILING ME - For the last time - NO I will not go out with you.

 
At 4:36 PM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Satan, are all cowboys your minions or only ones who compare women to steers?

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger Baron Ectar said...

Satan - are all Angels Stubborn - or just the ones that live in cities?

 
At 5:00 PM, Blogger Baron Ectar said...

Only Stubborn Angels by the way need guided and wrestled down - just ask Jacob he knew the most STUBBORN of Angels well ...

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Dear Satan,

I have a serious question. I am going out of town to visit my family for Christmas and I'm taking my boyfriend with me. I had originally told them that we would be leaving on Tuesday since he didn't think he could get Wednesday off. I found out today that he was able to get out of work that day. I am torn.

Part of me wants to come back home on Tuesday and just relax. Part of me wants to stay until Wednesday because I think the traffic would be lighter on the return trip, I will have recovered from the Christmas gorging, and I could spend more time with my family (although not my favorite family members since they have to work). My boyfriend has no opinion and is useless in this matter.

Thanks for your help,
Whim

 
At 8:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what?? I only have but one question. I want to know exactly what makes Satan tick? Hmmmm? Seriously, what is it that makes you so omnipotent and all that stuff?

Wait 2 questions... Where the hell is my Christmas Present???

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger /t. said...

dear satan,

if a tree falls
in the forest...

/t.

 
At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan

God sent me down here to check up on you. Do not mess this up. I am way to busy for your shit today.

 
At 7:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh and Satan

I recieved your latest confession.

"i hate the fact my gay lover beats me in every single area of my life."

No advice for you buddy. The best thing is just to submit to him. Will not hurt so bad next time ...

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Satan said...

lazai you stupid fuck

confessions are supposed to be confidential

 
At 9:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now Now Satan.

You signed the damn contract that stated all your confessions were to be made public.

So do not get all pissy.

It is a legal binding contract.

Proceed with your mundane chores.

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Dear Satan, sorry to delete your comment over at my place, but I didn't feel like hosting a race riot, so I just took all that shit down.

Now for my question:

Do you paint your hooves? What color? Ever get a hoovicure?

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Satan said...

race riot

the guy was bryan adams

 
At 9:49 AM, Blogger Satan said...

yep

you cleaned house over there

it looked like things were heating up

but that dude did look like bryan adams

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Dear Satan:

Do you have any advice for someone who fell into an artistic funk & is trying to mount a major, comedic comeback?

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

It's Saturday. Guidance, please.

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger Satan said...

be patient ms enemy

the truth will be revealed in due time

 
At 7:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, great Satan,
Now that Britney Spears is single again, I was wondering if there was a way you could introduce me to her...
I really think she's nice.

Do you think I would have a chance with her? I am a little shy.

 
At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan, if Jesus is so wondeful,why is he always looking so cross?

Why can't white men jump?

Who is going to win the super bowl?

Have you ever been touched by an angel?

Can you teach me to dance?

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Britney needs a good man. Help Polyman out.


It's Sunday, Satan.

 
At 9:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see how it is! You get us all excited about receiving wisdom from you on Saturday and now its Sunday and there is nothing!!! Oh how silly of me! Satan is the king of Liars **snickering**

I do have more questions for you to answer, whenever that may be...

Do you really have a pitchfork? And if you do, do you ever jab anyone with it? And where do you jab them? In the ass? In the face??

Will I get a better job this year? Mine sucks and I want a new one!

Who is your favorite captured soul? And I want to know why they are your favorite...

My son would like to know if there are any kids down there? If there are do they get special treatment? Do they get toys for Christmas from Satan Claus? He wants the new playstation...Can you help him out on that one?

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger Satan said...

dumb ass

there are a lot of saturdays

you try spreading wisdom to a bunch of troglydytes like the people who read this blog right after spending hours persuading baron it is not the right time for baron to get his first dirty sanchez from you during an evisceration ceremony of some new arrivals while you are cranking away at a fever of over 103

come back and bitch again

i dare you

calico

 
At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need to be more kind to these people.

This is NOT the way to win Brownie Points at all!

By the way Satan. I am impressed that you were BEING enough to send your last confession.

To: Lazai@HeavensGate.com
From: Satan
RE: Confession # 259

Lazai

I think about sex more than any medical research says I should.

I've never been horny, had sex of any kind or masturbated.

I'm Satan!

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger Forty_Two said...

I want that button. That's much better than I Like Ike.

 
At 7:15 PM, Blogger Josephine said...

hi satan i have been trying to learn about u and ur wisdom for YEARS ever since i was young, however due to strange weirdos who are powerhungry, i got misguided for a few years and am frustrated, may you guide me to your wisdom? :)

 
At 11:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi satan want to chat i want 2 chiwawa but my dad will say no we cant have 2 dogs he always hate animels that i love if i had them he will hurt them and call them names i really want them can they be potty trained forever make them love me and my family forever make nice forever make them to be nice to me and my family make them not to bit me , my family and nice people forever make them bit mean people forever make them live forever love u my sexy white devil brother love always your kansas city kitty shaina

 
At 1:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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