Thursday, March 02, 2006

a once in an eternity event

i just pantsed god

i totally did

it was unfuckingbelievable





i have been trying to get that bastard almost literally forever

but you know how god and his boy jesus are always so casual running around naked or wearing nothing but baggy robes and fig leaves and shit

its hard to catch either one of them in anything else

well i got wind of this black tie party over at allah's place and i just had a hunch this might be my chance

so i got there early and hid out in the closet just down the hall from the bathroom

god showed up in a tux just as i had hoped and as usual he was hitting the wine and cheese pretty hard before the dinner even started

he is such a fucking lush

anyway there i am hiding out in the closet and sure enough about an hour into the party god comes down the hall goes into the bathroom and has this enormous piss and with all the farting he was doing from the cheese he pounded down it totally sounded like a thunderstorm in there

i almost got busted from laughing so hard at that old fuck farting and burping and pissing but i held it together just barely

so god comes out of the bathroom and walks past my closet

i materialize on the other side of the door and follow him down the hallway all quiet and shit

he gets to the ballroom and as i expected and as per usual he makes some giant pronouncement which nobody could understand because he was slurring so bad from all the vino

but everybody was watching him of course because fuck he is god after all

and then just as he got to the high point of his spiel i popped up off the floor and whipped up the tails on his tux and latched onto the waist of his pants and ripped those babies right down to his holier than thou ankles

he was wearing boxers with fucking cupids on them

fuck

so he spun around to smite me but quick as shit i materialized over by the front door to the party and flipped him the bird and skedaddled

oh man

i love it when dreams come true

27 Comments:

At 5:22 PM, Blogger Dongley Shlongford said...

I like to waggle my wang at unsuspecting passersby. Will that play well in hell?

 
At 5:38 PM, Blogger DEATH said...

well Im certain it was no accident your down here. God is so steamed at you. You may want to lay low for a while. I believe I better go before he thinks I had something to do with it.

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Pixie Sprinkle said...

God looks JUST like george bush!

 
At 7:00 PM, Blogger Satan said...

you are about dumb enough to get into heaven i think carla

or else you are sarcastic enough to enjoy eternity with me down here in the underworld

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger DorianGray1854 said...

Is not God like omniscient and shit, so wouldn't he just know where you are all the time drunk or not?

 
At 7:31 PM, Blogger Satan said...

you are suck a fucking sucker dorian how the heaven can you just believe everything they tell you in sunday school

dont get me wrong he is a crafty bastard but just because he claims he knows everything doesnt mean he is always aware of everything

anyway apollo was at the party and god has this massive man crush on apollo thats probably why he was distracted

for fucks sake

 
At 8:40 PM, Blogger PDD said...

He did materialize vino at that wedding, so he trumps you in that respect.

But I think you are far cooler than god. I suspect you can hold your liquor better than he can.

How unglamorous of him to have behaved in such a manner in the bathroom.

I thought he had respect.

He shouldn't attend anymore parties. Clearly he creates a spectacle and makes a fool of himself.

I wonder if he dry heaves?

 
At 7:39 AM, Blogger DorianGray1854 said...

Thankyou for clearing that up, I guess I just needed to it from someone who knows him personally.

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger Satan said...

god never materialized wine at a wedding that was his boy jesus

fuck

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger kellywalters said...

sounds like your having a wonderful time..

over your little porblems then?

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger PDD said...

I guess I skipped that catacism (sp?) class. I was never any good at sunday school. They always had to yank me from under the teachers desk. Which is a totally different problem that has added complexity in my life... and in my brain...

Jesus was pretty narly for materializing that wine at that wedding. I am trying to practice those very magical qualities, only I'd rather do it at divorce parties.

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger FLAMINGO1 said...

Dude, you totally nailed God!

Do you know what would have been great right there instead of pantsing him? You should have put a book of matches under his feet and given him a hot foot.

That would have been so damn funny...God hopping around on one foot howling after getting a hot foot from Satan!

A pie in the face would have been great, too!

Keep those in mind for next time.

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger Pixie Sprinkle said...

ohhh i can't wait to get to hell. the first thing i am doing when i get there is re-arranging the furniture and giving the place a good dusting.

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger YellowSock said...

Satan, I lust you.
I knew pantsing was your deal. Okay, how come I was always the one getting pantsed in gym class? FUCK! I hated that shit! Never on a cute undies day, always on the day I hit the bottom of the drawer and pulled out a pair of my grandmother's or something.
Now I hate underwear.

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger PDD said...

Satan will love that.

I like underwear, including g-strings. But I sleep naked. Do you like that too Satan?

Come and haunt me.

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger Satan said...

i materialized in your bedroom last night while you were sleeping but the guy with the tattoos in that picture behind you that you posted at the bottom of your madonna collection did not seem interested in a threesome

so i got out of there

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger kellywalters said...

satan..

I want to be Ms. Blogger 2006..

want my soul?

what can I do babe?

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger PDD said...

You are not as brave as I thought, Satan. You are supposed to fight for me. Don't you want some of my tang?

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger DEATH said...

Is it orange Tang, Damn I love orange Tang.

Who said theres nothing funny about death. HA HA HA

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Fuckkit said...

Yeah you get the self important cunt. He's so damn full of himself, anyone would think he created the earth or something.

Next time, wedgie the bastard ;)

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger PDD said...

Mine is a pretty pink tang. And it smells of flowers. Seriously. Ask my mother.

 
At 11:40 PM, Blogger DEATH said...

If I had a nose I might take you up on that. But I got bigger problems, some numb nuts took my avatar down.
I will find him and hand him his soul, if hes not careful.

Alright Ill probably just let him be, but it really cooks my bacon when shit like this happens!

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger PDD said...

Death:
That picture is a serious turn off.

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger Merlin said...

yeah this shit is sick man!
pity I live in my own hell

 
At 2:02 PM, Blogger crabcake said...

Ah jeesh. I bet payback is gonna be a bitch.

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger DEATH said...

Alright my old pic is back:) I will have to go back, it is a much better pose.

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger DEATH said...

oh yes this is so much better.

 

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