Monday, March 27, 2006

my life as a cervid

i lust all of you fuckers but that doesnt seem to be enough to bring people in the door the past few weeks

i dont have a clue why but that is the facts

inventory is down

productivity is in the dumper

death isnt taking my calls anymore which is a real shame because for example look at this specimen pictured to the right

death cant come soon enough for this clown

first he is dressed in a red jacket

red is my color

he is mine

second he is clearly mocking me or if he is not aware that i am a cervid that is just his tough fucking luck

keep this in mind

i am a cervid

i am not a bovid

whenever death gets him i am going to pick his bones cleaner than clean

i will add them to my collection

i am up to warehouse 379 now

that picture above was taken a long long long long long time ago

and sorry i got carried away

i really meant to tell you about my life as a cervid

in the hopes that telling you fuckers a little bit more about me might help with recruitment

i cant believe my good looks and great sexual performance isnt enough

so i am a cervid

a lot of people get confused about this because dumb fuckers are always calling my antlers horns

well they are not horns

they are antlers

thats why you dont normally hear too much from me between valentines day and leprechaun day

my new antlers come in every year around then and i never have gotten over being embarrassed for the chicks to see me with that velvet crap still on them

so the thing to keep in mind here is sure i am a total badass and incredibly sexy and fantastic and cocksure of myself

but i have feelings too

and i have appearance anxieties too

just like you fuckers


At 7:07 PM, Blogger PDD said...

Do you also have Body Dysmorphic Disorder? I have always had this strong hunch you do.

Do tell the truth Satan. I wont judge. Hell, I will end up there so if I cause any further embarrassment then the embarrassment you've already endured you could pick my bones cleaner than clean and add to your collection.

Quite frankly I am shocked you're only up to 379.

Where are your balls dude? Scattered and decaying on some desolated highway??

At 10:00 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

it's just that since i discovered that you have a little rose tattooed on your back i have a hard time taking you seriously Satan. If you could do something REALLY cool like make England warm i will be nice to you....?

At 2:00 PM, Blogger Pixie Sprinkle said...

Death has been engaged in steamy encounters with me. he asked me to let you know he will call you next week.

At 8:40 PM, Blogger Eve said...

You're a sick fuck...

At 8:07 AM, Blogger kellywalters said...

I dont know if I can still find you attrative..

call me when the velvet shit is gone

At 10:11 PM, Blogger YellowSock said...

Maybe inventing a new drug would help your popularity, my Lord. Cocaine and heroin are so boring and X is for the youngsters...

Maybe something that only lasts an hour so I can go back to work after lunch sober and earn more money for more drugs.

At 10:18 AM, Blogger Croaker said...

Death doesn't just take the assholes, we take them all.

At 12:48 PM, Blogger doris day said...

update update!

At 3:20 PM, Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Damn it Satan! If you're so hungry for new recruits then why am I still stuck here on this shit-hole called Earth?! I died over seventy years ago and I have blown up more than one colleague in all the time that I was alive, so why am I still here?!

At 12:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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