Tuesday, January 02, 2007

satan has been busy bitches

while you pathetic minions trudge through your daily lives shoving your baron von rectal thermometers up your collective asses i am out busting my mine

i dont need your shit

i have very important work to do

i am a very successful leader of another plane of existence

a separate dimension of pain and suffering

as you may have heard i had some new guests move in to the underworld and i needed to get a couple of things lined up so i really dont appreciate all of the bullshit

satan where are you
satan come entertain us
satan why have you forsaken us

it isnt just business as usual when dignataries such as this arrive

this was a big one even for hell

it required some delicate preparation

we needed to prepare a variety of special little perks for this fella






i am now taking requests

if you have any good ideas for saddams personal hell please feel free to submit them and i will implement those ideas that please me the most

as i said above we had new guests

meaning more than one guest

so after preparing hell for saddams arrival we had a big kick ass concert performed by the godfather of soul

right after i collected his

we rocked hell for two solid days before we had to crash

even satan has his limits and the hardest working man in show business partied me into submission

satans got a brand new bag and this motha is kicking the underworld in the ass



as you know these things always come in threes

i got the first two easy

a giant chunk of my week involved working like hell to get the last one

i am pure evil but even i cant win em all

but in the wise words of meatloaf two out of three aint bad



baby we can talk all night
but that aint getting us nowhere

i wanted you
i needed you
but there aint no way im ever gonna lust you
now dont be sad
cus two out of three aint bad

60 Comments:

At 8:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Idea to make Saddam suffer...

Set him up with an I.M. that only connects to the Bostick!

N-o-o-o-o-o...

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

You do not have James Brown in the underworld. No fucking way. Ford and the other one, perhaps.

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger /t. said...

you got
brown but
not ford?!?

there is no justice,
even in hell

/t.

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger Satan said...

james brown mine

al green theirs

ronald regan mine

gerald ford theirs

richard nixon definitely mine

i suspect that i get the bush twins while they will get jimmy carter

but im not giving up on jimmy yet

i know that there is lust in his heart

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Satan, Jimmy Carter has said he see's ufo's. So your odds seem good there.

I like the who you got versus who they got lists.

Fortunately real salvation is not based upon works but based upon faith or we would all be doomed.
(well I guess that depends upon who you ask).

I guess that God did not take kindly do James Browns domestic violence or drug use.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Satan said...

unfortunately thou shalt not see ufos is not one of the commandments

it should be

you might be surprised to find out that i am in favor of more commandments

it is true

the more commandments to break the higher my chances of collecting your souls

although i have to admit it isnt all that hard under the current system

james browns drug use may not have been popular with jc and the boys but it is a huge hit in hell

 
At 4:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wish that you would bury Ford. How long does he have to linger up here anyway?

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

I hearby declare James Brown to be in heaven. I just read an article about Ford, and I take back all the mean things I said about him. But I can't argue with Saddam.

You owe Baron an apology. And quit making everything so nasty. He is my friend--since you are Satan, you see twisted evil when none is there. All those comments on the themomenters are very rude. Go ahead, call me a bitch, but it takes one to know one.

 
At 5:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good on ya with Mr. Ford, there's at least 1000 better "Mr. Ford" you should have taken, but it was his time at 93!!! You whimp. But I know your job is tough, there's at least a billion asses out there. My job is still waiting for me, I bob hope?

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger garrett said...

This question about real salvation being based upon faith and not works is something I've been pondering lately. That seems totally unjust and unreasonable and probably ridiculous and potentially blasphemous. Of course I know we're talking here about Jesus Christ, so I don't want to go overboard about it.

I always thought salvation for Christians required not only faith but also living a good life. But I've been talking to some folks -- and Tom Bailey's comment up above suggests this is the case -- that faith alone is adequate.

Satan, perhaps you can shed some light on this for me: the Nazis who got hung after Nuremburg, I understand that some of them had a priest come in after their condemnation but before their dangling was carried out and they were granted absolution and forgiveness and they repented and so on and so forth to the priest and God and everyone else who matters.

So did you get those guys or did they get to go to heaven on the "faith alone" plan?

And if they got to go to heaven because of the "faith alone" plan, did you end up getting all the Jews and other non-Christians that those particular Nazis participated in murdering and if so where is the justice in that and how can Jesus Christ be running such a successful religion with that sort of patently inequitable result?

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger Satan said...

garrett

think about it

did those nazi bastards repent before they knew they were going to hang

hell no

they repented solely to hedge their bets

they are mine

like they used to say on the baretta theme song

dont do the crime if you cant do the time

dont do it

 
At 9:04 PM, Blogger Satan said...

enemy

i am not the one doing this i immediately open the emails from this person who shall remain nameless crap

you might thing it is cute

it makes me want to puke

plus what exactly is it about james brown that makes him unhellworthy

godfather has done some shit

he is mine



toby

have you been drinking again

dykesdog

i dont give a shit what they do with the crunchy shell

its that little nougat soul center that i am after

jerry ford was a closet saint

anybody that can forgive nixon is not only worthy of heavens gates but is a potential candidate for the throne

seriously

 
At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am more evil that you will ever be fuckface.

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

You go Bostick. You should be Satan, because you are so cute too. Satan should look hot, not be hot.


Okay, if Baron is hassling you through email, I am unaware. How the hell would I know? You just seem to have a special hate for him.

The Godfather belongs in heaven because he tried repeatly to clean up his act; one can both sin and repent and his music is way better than angel's harps. Heaven needs the Godfather.

Ford said some smart things recently about the current state of affairs, but he wussed out and told the reporter to wait until he was dead before declaring them. So he may not be much fun, but if you want him, he's yours.

Saddam is very charismatic and an admirer of Stalin, who I know is with you. Don't you worry that they may take over?

Bostick for ruler of the underworld!

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a personal favorite of mine feel free to use it on Saddam and child molesters. Castration with rusty a carrot peeler.

Would you say hi to James Brown for me?

 
At 9:55 PM, Blogger Satan said...

enemy

dont try to play innocent

we know he was talking about you

he sits by his email waiting to hear the alert so that he can read the next love note from you

it is so romantic


bostick for lord of the underword

ha

he is about as bad ass as justin timberlake

hey i have an idea bostick

show us how evil you are by making a prank phone call to a celebrity

i know give todd bridges a call and say

what you talkin bout willis

now that would be some evil funny shit

whimsical

anything for you baby

finally someone that appreciates the devil like he deserves

i will have james brown dedicate his next song to you baby

 
At 12:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, I didn't realize drugs would get me into hell quicker!

Great, I'm so out of touch with the drug scene I thought crack house was another name for a gay bar...

What was that about pipe?

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Okay, Satan. Think whatever you want. Some of us live in objective reality, not in hell.

Since my words are useless, I will take the high road and ignore your silly ass when you attack my FRIEND!

I bet you hate to be ignored, you drama king.

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger Satan said...

is it an attack when an innocent lord of the underworld points out that mr baron has a crush on you and is mooning over you

someone seems a little defensive on this whole issue

me thinks she does protest too much

 
At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been to hell:

Hearing Dubya eulogize Ford.

 
At 8:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Satan,

Please advise if any Family Court judges will be entering your realm in 2007. It will make my year.

Regards,
FLC

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger garrett said...

So I think that's a little comforting, but I'm still perplexed.

I want to achieve salvation, not rot in hell with you.

And I'm trying to figure out what to do.

There's bet hedging all over the place. Or is there genuine faith?

It's all so confusing.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger Satan said...

dearest garrett

you are barking up the wrong tree

do you seriously think that i am going to share the secrets of salvation with you and all the rest of the mortals reading this

what would be my incentive

if you want guidance and enlightenment go bend over in front of a priest

similarly to what rosie said about donald trump

who am i to be your moral compass

go forth and sin garrett

you are mine

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Man I am tired after reading all the comments.

I'm out this time.

oooh except to say for Saddam:
He should get all of those virgins...that'll teach him.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Garrett, if you read the book of mathew it becomes less confusing. The rules were mostly in the old testament, but after christ died on the cross fortunately that provided for salvation through faith rather than works. Rules are good ideas, but dont mistake them with salvation.

Works become more of a manifestation of love rather than earning of salvation. We have all fallen short.

Works are good ideas that provide for an amazing life now.

Satan, your photos are always very funny.

 
At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck salvation...

Bring me a goddamn beer!

Pussies...

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger garrett said...

Tom, thanks for the comment. I understand the concept and am somewhat familiar with the New Testament.

But I'm also keenly interested in the logic. How do you answer the questions about the Nazis and the holocaust victims? Who is in hell and who is in heaven of those folks? Does everyone who does have faith in Jesus go to hell? Just because of that?

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Garrett, I am by no means a biblical expert. Satan probably knows this stuff better than me.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says The Lord"

Isaiah 55:8-11.

Dirk, you really would have no chance battling me. Trite little vulgar comments do not bother me. As good as a blogger as you are it is odd that you resort to vulgarity.
Satan, is at least funny when he has battled with me. Calling 8 year old school boy names really is out of the kindergarden joke book of blogging. You seem so far above that.... But again I could be wrong.

 
At 3:37 PM, Blogger Satan said...

garrett while i prefer the way you stated it i believe you may have left out a not in your question

i believe you meant to say

does everyone who does not have faith in jesus go to hell

so your fundamental question is whether you can believe in jesus but then follow none of the rules and still end up in heaven

i would posit that it is not possible for someone to truly have faith in jesus and still perform the behaviors of which you speak

likewise christians would argue that acts alone do not suffice without the belief in jesus

accordingly the two can not be completely separated

from the number of souls tumbling into my realm on a daily basis it is clear that they cannot

or perhaps jesus has absolutely nothing to do with whether you are sent to heaven or hell

perhaps it is all determined by a fiddle playing contest

in any event my philosophy is

when faced with temptation
succumb

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

"from the number of souls tumbling into my realm on a daily basis it is clear that they cannot

or perhaps jesus has absolutely nothing to do with whether you are sent to heaven or hell

perhaps it is all determined by a fiddle playing contest"

Satan, that was hillarious when you challenged me to the fiddle playing contest. My friends that read my blog called me and were cracking up.

---

What is challenging is that some interpetations of the bible say that if you think of doing something it is just as bad as doing it. WOW. That is when I say it must be faith.

---

Souls tumbling in...lol.

 
At 4:46 PM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Could you please rub some skin cream on my asscheeks, baby?

 
At 5:06 PM, Blogger Baron Ectar said...

Some of us are talented we can work and play at the same time.

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger Satan said...

hey baron

your girlfriend is getting surly

you know the one whose emails you open immediately upon receipt like a pavlovian response

yeah

that one

 
At 10:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh Tom, I am not calling you names...

I have no interest in your dialog at all.

Uh Tom, I am not calling you names...

Where did you get that idea?

I have no interest in your dialog at all.


I come here for Satan and his humor, period.

It is his site after all.

I come here for fun, not your theology.

As for battling you, it has never even crossed my mind.

I don't believe in doing battle with flatulence, I just let it pass for the foul gas it is...

So take your trite little ego and go trifle with some one who cares. When I come here it is about Satan, not you.

Now, go back to your blog, do some thinking and try to grow rich.

Go to bed, dream about your pretend wife and the big screen T.V. you hope to have some day.

Sheesh...

 
At 6:45 AM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Satan: Okay, let's just agree to disagree.


Tom: I'm not attacking you. But I wouldn't discuss salvation with Satan. It's like getting drunk in Chicago and not finding an open White Castle at 2 am. Some things just have their place. My two cents.

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Enemy, the ironic thing about Satan is that he really is a pretty smart and crafty person.

I really do not think he is the type of Satan that is really that bad here. Some relgions say that he was the brother of Christ himself and some say that he is an ally of God here to test us.

A bunch of my friends now read his blog.


Dirk, I am not going to continue this with you on satan's blog. I will address you on mine since you have posted there. You always delete my comments on yours.

Sorry, for any disruption Satan. LOL.... That is funny asking for Satan's forgivness. I am confused now...

 
At 7:07 AM, Blogger Satan said...

enemy

that drunk in chicago with no available white castle thing

that is mine

i have even moved white castles at two in the morning just to screw with drunk people

nothing funnier than two drunks in a chevy citation sitting at a street corner confused and arguing about whether there used to be a white castle right effing here i swear to god there was

throw in a police officer and mad cap hilarity ensues

tom bailey going to battle
i love it

is kicking dirks ass one of the steps of positive thinking tom

you might want to run through those daily affirmation tapes one more time

you are mine

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

"is kicking dirks ass one of the steps of positive thinking tom"

Maybe I have been reading Mathew 10:34. I came not to bring peace, but with a sword? Seriously, I like Dirk, he is a great blogger as I said before. He just is not as gifted at humor as you are so it did not come across well. The "pussies" "fuck salvation" comment if it was meant to be a joke the joke did not work. But maybe others saw humor in it. "fuck salvation" is just not a funny comment. Even you satan would have a hard time crafting something humorous with that one.

I do recall the "hail satan" picture that you posted with an asian girl. ... that said fuck yeah. I felt terrible laughing at it... but I did.

Positive affirmations? ... I do not use them much. It always makes me think of the little train that could... I think I can I think I can....

Your white castle story hillarious.

You do not fight fair when you use humor Satan. I try to prove a point with you and you have some humorous answer that lets you win every time.

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Satan, I have nominated you for a weblog award. You can thank Dirk for the idea. I went onto his blog and linked to it. So, do not give me credit for giving you this nomination give the credit to dirk, because after all it is better for me to give the credit to him than to receive it.

I nominated you under humor since they did not have a religious category.

Thank you for the idea Dirk.

http://2007.bloggies.com/index.php

 
At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tom?

When have You ever posted at my site?

I only delete anonymous comments or spam...

Seriously, I never aimmed any comment here at you. If I had I would have used your name so as to avoid any doubt from the get go.

You are beating up nobody here...

 
At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are correct, Satan.

He is yours as I am yours and we are all together.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Satan said...

only in hell can you find a tree hugging hippy like dirk fighting with a power of positive thinker like tom bailey

i am delighted to bring out the worst in everyone

please put me in charge of that little arab israeli conflict

or perhaps i already am in charge

 
At 3:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Finally, I provide Satan a good laugh!

Give me time and I'll be a good minion yet...

When I get to hell, will you give enemy of the state to me?

Thank you, my Liege...

 
At 4:23 PM, Blogger /t. said...

might be
fitting in a
devious kind of way
that when dirk gets to hell
you give him tom bailey -- just sayin'

/t.

 
At 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, I'd much rather have a Tom Collins...

 
At 6:19 PM, Blogger Satan said...

tom bailey
tom collins
phil collins

they are all mine and eventually they will each take a turn with you dirk

after all

you will be with me for eternity

as long as your backdoor still swings you will have plenty of company

 
At 6:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan, I am unsure if you will find this comment acceptable so I hope you will provide me with editorial guidelines in case I prove to be offensive.

Here goes...

I have written a book for my new friend Tom Bailey. I hope it will bring peace between us...

I call the book, Think and Grow Tits.

It is for all of Satan's bitches...

And if there is any bigger bitch at Satan's house than Tom Bailey, I would like to know who it is.

Respectfully yours:

Dirk_Star

 
At 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan, I am unsure if you will find this comment acceptable so I hope you will provide me with editorial guidelines in case I prove to be offensive.

Here goes...

I have written a book for my new friend Tom Bailey. I hope it will bring peace between us...

I call the book, Think and Grow Tits.

It is for all of Satan's bitches...

And if there is any bigger bitch at Satan's house than Tom Bailey, I would like to know who it is.

Respectfully yours:

Dirk_Star

 
At 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan, I am unsure if you will find this comment acceptable so I hope you will provide me with editorial guidelines in case I prove to be offensive.

Here goes...

I have written a book for my new friend Tom Bailey. I hope it will bring peace between us...

I call the book, Think and Grow Tits.

It is for all of Satan's bitches...

And if there is any bigger bitch at Satan's house than Tom Bailey, I would like to know who it is.

Respectfully yours:

Dirk_Star

 
At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan, I am unsure if you will find this comment acceptable so I hope you will provide me with editorial guidelines in case I prove to be offensive.

Here goes...

I have written a book for my new friend Tom Bailey. I hope it will bring peace between us...

I call the book, Think and Grow Tits.

It is for all of Satan's bitches...

And if there is any bigger bitch at Satan's house than Tom Bailey, I would like to know who it is.

Respectfully yours:

Dirk_Star

 
At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan, I am unsure if you will find this comment acceptable so I hope you will provide me with editorial guidelines in case I prove to be offensive.

Here goes...

I have written a book for my new friend Tom Bailey. I hope it will bring peace between us...

I call the book, Think and Grow Tits.

It is for all of Satan's bitches...

And if there is any bigger bitch at Satan's house than Tom Bailey, I would like to know who it is.

Respectfully yours:

Dirk_Star

 
At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan, I am unsure if you will find this comment acceptable so I hope you will provide me with editorial guidelines in case I prove to be offensive.

Here goes...

I have written a book for my new friend Tom Bailey. I hope it will bring peace between us...

I call the book, Think and Grow Tits.

It is for all of Satan's bitches...

And if there is any bigger bitch at Satan's house than Tom Bailey, I would like to know who it is.

Respectfully yours:

Dirk_Star

 
At 6:55 PM, Blogger Satan said...

that was repetitive and redundant

i laughed the first time dirk

but by the fourth time it grew a little stale

 
At 6:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, I only posted once and the error message occured and when I reloaded, bam...

Damn Blogger servers...

 
At 6:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't you have a comment delete feature?

I do.

 
At 7:21 PM, Blogger Satan said...

sure i do

but what fun would that be

 
At 8:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oops, I really pulled a tom bailey there.

 
At 2:24 PM, Blogger MichaelBains said...

Hoo doggies! You are the Prince of Lies, aren't you!

Me likey.

I've already contributed to Sadaam's eternal anti-bliss with a Eternal Lifetime Subscription to The Watchtower. Removing his eyelids might help him appreciate more clearly. I'll not try and tell you how to do your job, though.

See you l8r.

{-;

 
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