Wednesday, January 10, 2007

more marketing from hell

recently i was sitting around in my underwear watching television in hell when i saw a news story about this

weight loss gods way

fat free 4 jesus

i am not making this shit up these are christian diets and my guess is that they have signs up at every wal mart in the entire country

while wal mart was my idea i have yet to see a cent from the waltons
just wait until they get here

actually i am not certain whether either one of these is the same exact diet that i saw on television while in my underwear but if neither of these are then it means that there is yet a third christian diet out there


as you know hell has been going through a bit of a financial pinch lately and i know what fantastic marketing machines the christians can be

recently i have attempted to emulate them by marketing some of my own products but it has been damn tough competing with the holy water vial the prayer towel and the sand from jesus sandals

those christians know their target market sector

generally all my products have failed miserably except for some reason i sold two gross of those nasty little bostick things to some guy who lives in a little town on the coast of georgia

some people are still hung up on the whole satan stigma

go figure

anyway this christian diet thing gave me a great new idea

i am delighted to announce the opening my own chain of charlie manson weight loss clinics

come work out using the manson method

this is going to be huge provided we can get over some of the negative press that has already been circulating

kraft foods vs satan

dammit i wish i would have come up with cheez whiz

anyway hell can make a couple of bucks and at the same time get rid of a few of those fat fucks who have been taking the sloth and gluttony sermons a little too seriously

if you know what i mean

i have also been snapping up as many of these as i can from ebay so that i can autograph them cover them in goats blood and sell them for twice as much


based on the study conducted by my market research telemarketing firm there are roughly two million of those nasty little red neck buggers running around in their big ass pick up trucks making the sign of the devil and those greasy humans will love this shit

since telemarketing is mine you would think i would be better at this shit

you wouldnt believe how hard it is to be the lord of darkness and the prince of lies

i am willing to bet your soul that this guy will be the first one in line to buy the trailer hitch cover for his pick em up truck


At 8:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"dammit i wish i would have come up with cheez whiz "

You mean you didn't? I am astounded. I could have sworn that was your work. What about the cheese in a can?

At 9:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No worries! By next week I will have my workload thinned out and can begin the "Satan World Domination Tour" Marketing stuff. I have tshirt designs. I have cool swag. So what do I get out of it? The satisfaction of knowing that I will piss off about 1/2 of the population by a simple gesture of kindness. Ironic, no?

At 12:02 AM, Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Who could stand this bellyaching?

Listen, someone scored a shitload of clams on a toasted cheese sandwich with JC's avatar on it. Maybe you could do something with a Gyro?

You gotta be creative, that's all I'm saying.

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Satan said...

i tried to raise some capital for hell using adsense from google

strangely enough every time i look at the add it is some religious based advertisement

i cant compete with those christian folks

todays add read

satan never was lucifer
satan was never good
get the facts

now how can the lord of the underworld make a buck with all this negative press

somebody throw this old devil a bone once in a while

will ya

At 7:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for dropping by my blog :)

At 7:27 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

I thought that fast food, bars and strip club chicken wings were the foods of hell?

The charles Manson photo is hillarious as your spokesperson.

At 7:39 AM, Blogger Satan said...

those appear to be m and ms

but they are not

do not be fooled by skittles

they are not choclaty goodness

they are sour fruit sugary things disguised as m and ms


mostly the manson method will consist of charlie chasing you with a machete or a butcher knife

i guarantee results

At 8:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look, Satan, I may have something you can market... I'm testing it at a potluck tomorrow night, so stop in and let me know what you think.

There could be a whole line of products: definitely chocolate (the beta recipe), and then lemon, and I'm thinking of trying an entree sure to lead some vegetarians to the gates of hell (my own special moussaka...)

By the way, a local Methodist church (Rhythm Methodist) does the Jesus weight-loss thing under a name I can't remember - maybe "Fatties for Christ" or something similar. Their members invited me to a baby shower they were putting on, so I went. My impression is that Jesus likes fleshy women, 'cause these babes were Rubenesque if you know what I mean.

So let me know what you think of the new product.

At 8:59 AM, Blogger Satan said...

jesus and walmart both like fleshy women

i like some flesh on my women too
as long as it is hung in the right places

At 9:18 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I'll bone ya Satan

At 9:19 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

OH wait, sorry I read that wrong.


At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How expensive is the diet?

I'd hate to choose Jesus based on the cost... (big hint)

At 10:45 AM, Blogger Satan said...

scottsdale girl

i think i prefer your initial reading of it


so are you suggesting that i undercut the price of the jesus diet


i like the way you think

i might just write a power of positive thinking book and sell it for less than tom baileys book while i am at it

suddenly it is all so clear to me

At 12:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does the Charlie Manson diet program offer a family value plan?

tom bailey asked me to ask you if it does anything for male pattern baldness?

And his little penis problem...

At 1:51 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Is the problem with his penis a mild one or is the penis small?

Just wondering...


At 1:53 PM, Blogger Satan said...

the manson plan does not resolve the tiny little penis issue

but that gives me a great idea

who would buy a penis enlargement program from the christians

this is a nitch in which satan just might have a marketing advantage

i am going to head into my office and put together a program

tom is it ok if i call it baileys bigger bonerz

ah i probably need to work in my satan trademark in their somewhere so that my target demographic knows it is mine

At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I already purchased one of the hitch covers for Barons truck off ebay for him for Easter. Stop ripping off my ideas Satan!

At 2:44 PM, Blogger Satan said...

those do make lovely gifts for an easter basket

crap i have already lost one customer who i was certain would buy one


would you like me to autograph it and dip it into the goats blood for you

i will do that for five dollars and the cost of shipping and handling

At 6:47 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

"tom is it ok if i call it baileys bigger bonerz"

Can you please teach Dirk to be funny like this? That is creative.

When I read his statements they just make me feel like he is going to start telling me how his dad is going to beat up my dad or my mom is so fat type of jokes.

Satan, your humor is very creative and unique that is why I visit hell is home.

But, I think rather than continue meaningless banter with Dirk I think I need to do something to help him feel better. I am emailing the University he supports and inquiring about giving a donation to the school.

What could be more fun? A guy that deletes my comments on his blog and then calls me out on my income, hair line and penis size. I think a donation to his school is well in order to have developed an attitude like that clearly he has had a much rougher life than me. Like I said in the past someone with a "fuck salvation" type of attitude has had issues with God in some way or another. I would not want to speculate on what that might have been but it just seems like it might be the case.... In any event I will blog about the donation. Hopefully that might lessen any ill will Dirk feels towards me so that we can stop having to battle here.

At 7:31 PM, Blogger Satan said...

not many people are aware of this but dirks school was the university of hell

please make the donation check out to satan as trustee

At 5:32 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Satan you have helped me grow a very nice following on my blog that is now helping people. I owe much of the interest to what you are doing here. Thanks.

I get tons of email from friends of mine thanking me for showing them your blog. The Satan humor you have here is great stuff. Here are a few emails from my readers about YOUR blog....

"Tom, I like your blog but Satan is hillarious"

"Tom, I can not beleive the stuff that Satan posts I feel like I am laughing my way to hell. Tell him thank you and to start allowing anonymous comments"

"Tom, you have an uplifting blog but Satan has a way of making my day by making me laugh"

Have a great day Satan and the other guy bless you.

At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tom, I did indeed attend the university of Hell.

Now, be a man of your word and pony up the check.

How can you even read the comments at your blog with your head so far up Satan's ass?

Oh, and by the way, fuck whatever that damn plan is you keep going on about.

What was it again?

Oh yeah, salvation...

At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey satan, apparently tom bailey is ashamed of the love he has for you because as hard as I looked, I couldn't even find so much as a link to your site.

The real tom bailey

At 2:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good stuff! Apparently there is nothing people won't go for if you link it to Jesus. Eat less, exercise more? Too hard! Pray your way thin instead!

At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good stuff! Apparently there is nothing people won't go for if you link it to Jesus. Eat less, exercise more? Too hard! Pray your way thin instead!

At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This really is hell - how did you make my comment appear twice?

At 3:18 PM, Blogger Satan said...


that is one of the many powers that i possess

duplication of comments

fear me

dirk dirk dirk

you are completely missing the point

toms program is the power of positive thinking

not the power of positive action

as you can see he is showing his love for the dark lord by thinking and talking about me in glorious terms

he need not put that love in action by linking to my site nor by performing fellatio

although either action would be welcome

At 8:43 PM, Blogger josh williams said...

Charlie Manson, what a puss...A real man would have been put into circulation and killed...Clearly the Manson is afraid of the club incarceration public. Sociopaths like him make me want to wretch!

At 10:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


You are so wise satan.

Now that you have mentioned the tom bailey and fellatio thing...

When I Googled his name one of the links was to something called a bailey and cream.

Is that what they were talking about?

I didn't feel right about violating personal spaces so I didn't look.

At 7:28 AM, Blogger Everything Nice said...

Can we see that redo of JC getting hit by that bus?

Serious work out for the Abs on that one Satan.

I've told you over and over again if you really want to build capitol on this blog for hell... all you have to do is command me to start charging for services rendered.

Of course, you always get it for free you silly evil fucker.

I will be in Cleaveland soon on my quest for Menace... if I remember correctly you vacation there.

Should we meet again?

At 8:15 AM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Man, you live to piss me off. First of all, other religions such as Judaism and Islam hate your guts too. So just because Jesus messed up your pretty world downstairs doesn't mean you are free from non-Christian enemies. Secondly, what the hell do you have against Baron? I actually think I know the answer, but I want to see if I am right. If you insult him one more time, I am sicking all the angels of God on you, plus Mohammed, Jesus , Krishna and everyone else who is your superior. I also will never visit you again, which may be your point. You are rude.

At 8:45 AM, Blogger Satan said...


you are correct about judaism and islam

there is one significant difference however

when was the last time you saw an advertisement reading

lose pounds based on the talmud


weight loss programs for mohammad

only the christians have brought this special brand of stupid to the game

oh sure they wont stone you to death for showing your face in public but they do have their own unique zany quirks

everything naughty i will meet you in cleveland although i cant go there without hooking up with another local hotty

can we have a threeway with obrien

josh williams

i agree that manson is a pussy

he is getting away with this shit while in prison but you can trust me

when he gets here he will be put with the general population and i guarantee he will cry like a virgin prison bitch before his first hour is through

dirk that is his site

did it say anything about him being irish

At 9:44 AM, Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

I can't figure out who's the scarier weight loss guru--

Richard Simmons or Charlie Manson.

Always had a soft spot in my heart for Charlie, though.

(Hail Satan.)

At 10:33 AM, Blogger ~d said...

If Jesus could promise me that I'd never see any extra weight...EVER...I'd be REALTEMPTED to go to the (dark?) his side.

Now, Satan...what are you offering? (p.s. sexual favors DO count!)

At 4:04 PM, Blogger Satan said...


can anyone on their side offer a forked tongue

i didnt think so

you are mine


thanks for the hail

wouldnt you love to see charlie make an appearance on the view to share some diet tips with rosie odonnell

maybe make he could make a special recipe with the chick from survivor

At 7:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satan.. you are fucking insane but I like it :)

At 8:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, the manson diet does sound pretty tempting no doubt.

How bout also offering the "Satan- thin as a skeleton diet" where they get locked up in a tiger cage with nothing to eat fo 40 days and 40 nights. That's bound to be tne new craze, although we would loose a few along the way.

At 2:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Back from Hell's Kitchen, somewhat surprised tht you failed to meet me. Dieting and workouts? No way in hell.

I'll take three of the tow hitch covers, though. I have redneck cousins who need to be introduced to you gradually. I've heard them invite you to get behind them.

At 11:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That thing resembles you to much and is way to feminine looking for my pickup - but hey thanks for the thought - Pretty Boy!

At 4:00 AM, Blogger Mone said...

I hope I'll get a discount if I'll take on the Manson Diet? Need to buy more beer!

At 2:22 PM, Blogger blog Portland said...

I think Americans are far too lazy as is, so you might want to consider an opposite approach. Make fat the new thin, and 75% of us will become instantly sexy. All of this for three easy payments of OUR IMMORTAL SOUL.

At 4:16 PM, Blogger Satan said...

soul stretch pay

i like it

it is so trailer trashy

and maybe a soul lay away program

i could set up a kiosk at wal mart

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