on the topic of my minions

there is not much i can say about my minions that would be positive in the sense of that word that most of you would understand

they are not bright

they are not thoughtful

they lie

but they are reliable

below is a case in point



yes indeedy the time to act is now

w vs w

i do read all your comments

even the ones that i plant in your head through my fiendish ways

and occasionally i can be moved to action



this is one of my greatest accomplishments

i have never turned a fellow around as fast as this

to tell you the truth i still have a little soft spot

ok hard spot

for w from 2003

of all the pissing me off things ever in the world

irony really chaps my loins

these bible thumpers just refuse to listen and i am fucking sick of it

sick of it i tell you

look at this crap in this picture



who in heaven thinks this is accurate in any respect

i do not lie

i do not deceive

i am completely upfront will all of my minions

everybody i make a deal with understands completely and beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are giving me their soul for all time and that they will be suffering excruciating tortures while i devour them a morsel at a time from here to eternity

but in exchange for that i provide them with the most sought after things here on earth

things like wealth and good looks and success in the film industry

i guess on the other hand it is probably too my advantage that the bible thumpers think i dissemble

it is probably something i cant change in any event

so back to the grind

anyone who wants to play the spurned love interest in the next edward burns film should get a message to their fiend

all it takes is thinking about it if you wondered

see you soon

another honorable subject makes me proud

heres an update for the cunning linguists among you



this reminds me of that article in the onion about how the amazing homeless man who could magically turn spare change into vomit

yes

that was mine

back from the dead and back for rudy

dont get hard you fuckers

i am not at all interested in taking up again where i left off with you flickers

but i did want to come back and encourage you to support my preferred candidate for president of the united states

he is pictured below

appropriately and derisively looking to the heavens in mocking worship



the only thing this guy worships is power

pure unadulterated intoxicating power

he has wanted to be president since he was a teenager

i love guys who are old and who have wanted to be president all their lives even from starting back when they were teenagers because you know by this point theres no way they could have a whit of integrity left in them

and that just makes my job easier which i fully support

i know i will have a damn easy time getting this guy to cooperate in creating all kinds of mayhem and fostering all kinds of wickedness around the world if he gets the nod from enough of the american voters

so do your part patriots

get out there and support the mayor

do it for me

we now resume our complete and utter lack of programming

doing the tricky dick

you can call me tricky dick the second

i cant take it anymore



everywhere i turn its like a dr seuss fucking rhyme

jesus this and jesus that

jesus thin and jesus phat

jesus red and jesus blue

jesus wins i quit fuck you

seriously

i cant do this shit anymore

i fucking quit

i am making like a tree and leaving

i am making like a joint and blowing out of here

i am making like a drum and beating it

i quit

i quit

i quit

satans interview with a wanna be anti christ

i recently met with one of my personal favorite humans to discuss his potential employment in the official capacity as antichrist

ted haggard

you may recall that ted was the leader of the national association of the evangelicals and a sometimes advisor of president bush

ted has been an outspoken advocate against the sins of homosexuality and preached his teachings from a podium from which he had the ear of nearly thirty million other humans

thirty million people

my blog isnt quite reaching that many yet but i am working on it using individual soul collection which admittedly is taking longer than i expected

nevertheless back to ted

last year his tune changed

he was no longer singing the teachings of the bible

he was singing show tunes

ted was having homosexual relations with his personal trainer and masseuse while using meth

i am not going to lie to you

this guy had some promise as a potential antichrist which is why i agreed to talk to him about his application

as you may know the antichrist is alleged to be in league with me and will bring about the apocolypse the mark of the beast and other such tremendously funny shit

the antichrist according to the fairy tale legend and or biblical scholars is supposed to come disguised as a religious leader and then pretty much fuck all of you non believers and those who dont believe quite enough to make the fundamentalists happy and of course those of you who believe the wrong thing

personally i like the story and would watch it if they made it into a made for tv movie costarring judith light therefore i decided to give ted an interview for the position of antichrist and discuss both his shortcomings as a christian leader and ultimately why i cant consider him as a serious antichrist candidate

as a christian religious leader i must say that i loved him and wanted him to stay in that role as he was clearly mine

unfortunately all good things must come to an end and i cant deny that i enjoyed his fall almost as much as his success in the church

his fall knocked out one more brick from the faith of nearly thirty million people

thirty million people

thirty million people believed in ted and teds public humiliation was also theirs

since he was out of work as a religious leader we talked about his application for the position of antichrist

as you should know if you have been following my teachings at all the antichrist must be someone who really looks trustworthy and devout

this shit really calls for some stealth and you cant just use some guy who has been hanging out at gay bars and frequenting meth dealers

even most of you stupid humans could see through that

now he is trying to rehabilitate himself but the damage is done with respect to his career of antichrist

apparently his latest press release says that he has gone to counseling and is completely heterosexual

i asked him about this cure and he said that he hardly ever thinks about long hard beautiful sumptuous penis any more

it may work on the general populace of fundamentalist christians who believe that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured but it wont get the rest of you to follow him and it is really the more educated among you that will be the tough sale

so i finished the interview with ted and gave him this lovely parting gift and suggested that he return to the ministry where he is most useful to me