hell is home

on the topic of my minions

2008-10-01T20:17:00.001-07:00

there is not much i can say about my minions that would be positive in the sense of that word that most of you would understand

they are not bright

they are not thoughtful

they lie

but they are reliable

below is a case in point

yes indeedy the time to act is now

w vs w

2008-08-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

i do read all your comments

even the ones that i plant in your head through my fiendish ways

and occasionally i can be moved to action

this is one of my greatest accomplishments

i have never turned a fellow around as fast as this

to tell you the truth i still have a little soft spot

ok hard spot

for w from 2003

of all the pissing me off things ever in the world

2008-07-09T19:31:00.001-07:00

irony really chaps my loins

these bible thumpers just refuse to listen and i am fucking sick of it

sick of it i tell you

look at this crap in this picture

who in heaven thinks this is accurate in any respect

i do not lie

i do not deceive

i am completely upfront will all of my minions

everybody i make a deal with understands completely and beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are giving me their soul for all time and that they will be suffering excruciating tortures while i devour them a morsel at a time from here to eternity

but in exchange for that i provide them with the most sought after things here on earth

things like wealth and good looks and success in the film industry

i guess on the other hand it is probably too my advantage that the bible thumpers think i dissemble

it is probably something i cant change in any event

so back to the grind

anyone who wants to play the spurned love interest in the next edward burns film should get a message to their fiend

all it takes is thinking about it if you wondered

see you soon

another honorable subject makes me proud

2008-02-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

heres an update for the cunning linguists among you

this reminds me of that article in the onion about how the amazing homeless man who could magically turn spare change into vomit

yes

that was mine

back from the dead and back for rudy

2007-06-19T17:30:00.002-07:00

dont get hard you fuckers

i am not at all interested in taking up again where i left off with you flickers

but i did want to come back and encourage you to support my preferred candidate for president of the united states

he is pictured below

appropriately and derisively looking to the heavens in mocking worship

the only thing this guy worships is power

pure unadulterated intoxicating power

he has wanted to be president since he was a teenager

i love guys who are old and who have wanted to be president all their lives even from starting back when they were teenagers because you know by this point theres no way they could have a whit of integrity left in them

and that just makes my job easier which i fully support

i know i will have a damn easy time getting this guy to cooperate in creating all kinds of mayhem and fostering all kinds of wickedness around the world if he gets the nod from enough of the american voters

so do your part patriots

get out there and support the mayor

do it for me

we now resume our complete and utter lack of programming

doing the tricky dick

2007-03-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

you can call me tricky dick the second

i cant take it anymore

everywhere i turn its like a dr seuss fucking rhyme

jesus this and jesus that

jesus thin and jesus phat

jesus red and jesus blue

jesus wins i quit fuck you

seriously

i cant do this shit anymore

i fucking quit

i am making like a tree and leaving

i am making like a joint and blowing out of here

i am making like a drum and beating it

i quit

i quit

i quit

satans interview with a wanna be anti christ

2007-02-11T10:58:00.000-08:00

i recently met with one of my personal favorite humans to discuss his potential employment in the official capacity as antichrist

ted haggard

you may recall that ted was the leader of the national association of the evangelicals and a sometimes advisor of president bush

ted has been an outspoken advocate against the sins of homosexuality and preached his teachings from a podium from which he had the ear of nearly thirty million other humans

thirty million people

my blog isnt quite reaching that many yet but i am working on it using individual soul collection which admittedly is taking longer than i expected

nevertheless back to ted

last year his tune changed

he was no longer singing the teachings of the bible

he was singing show tunes

ted was having homosexual relations with his personal trainer and masseuse while using meth

i am not going to lie to you

this guy had some promise as a potential antichrist which is why i agreed to talk to him about his application

as you may know the antichrist is alleged to be in league with me and will bring about the apocolypse the mark of the beast and other such tremendously funny shit

the antichrist according to the fairy tale legend and or biblical scholars is supposed to come disguised as a religious leader and then pretty much fuck all of you non believers and those who dont believe quite enough to make the fundamentalists happy and of course those of you who believe the wrong thing

personally i like the story and would watch it if they made it into a made for tv movie costarring judith light therefore i decided to give ted an interview for the position of antichrist and discuss both his shortcomings as a christian leader and ultimately why i cant consider him as a serious antichrist candidate

as a christian religious leader i must say that i loved him and wanted him to stay in that role as he was clearly mine

unfortunately all good things must come to an end and i cant deny that i enjoyed his fall almost as much as his success in the church

his fall knocked out one more brick from the faith of nearly thirty million people

thirty million people

thirty million people believed in ted and teds public humiliation was also theirs

since he was out of work as a religious leader we talked about his application for the position of antichrist

as you should know if you have been following my teachings at all the antichrist must be someone who really looks trustworthy and devout

this shit really calls for some stealth and you cant just use some guy who has been hanging out at gay bars and frequenting meth dealers

even most of you stupid humans could see through that

now he is trying to rehabilitate himself but the damage is done with respect to his career of antichrist

apparently his latest press release says that he has gone to counseling and is completely heterosexual

i asked him about this cure and he said that he hardly ever thinks about long hard beautiful sumptuous penis any more

it may work on the general populace of fundamentalist christians who believe that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured but it wont get the rest of you to follow him and it is really the more educated among you that will be the tough sale

so i finished the interview with ted and gave him this lovely parting gift and suggested that he return to the ministry where he is most useful to me

originating obscenity since the dawn of time

2007-02-02T09:38:00.000-08:00

the pitchfork is mine

as you know

sometimes when i didnt have a pitchfork handy and i was pissed at some fucker i would make a gesture with my hands putting my fingers in the shape of the tines of a pitchfork

we called this flipping the pitchfork

but flipping the pitchfork is complicated and was capable of ambiguous interpretation

one time i got three coney islands from some asshole that didnt ignored me when i said i didnt want any ice in my coke for example

why the fuck would i want ice in my coke

ice is my kryptonite for fucks sake

so i came up with something better

and now flipping the bird is mine

its easier

sloth rules

so more of you fuckers do it

and that means things are looking up for the job security of the greeters at the gates of hell

so do me a favor today

flip somebody the bird while your driving home

or if youre feeling ambitious flip somebody the pitchfork

either way

you are mine

the glory of pride and the future of nature

2007-01-23T09:31:00.000-08:00

good morning

welcome to hell

today we are going to be discussing something very important

and top secret

i have been trying to decide whether to tell you fuckers about this for a few millenia

i finally decided to go ahead and tell you because even though you are capable of understanding and agreeing with what i have to tell you very very few of you are capable of actually changing your lives in any meaningful way based on this information that would result in less of you fuckers spending eternity being disemboweled by me and my prize pupil baron ectar

so i figured what the fuck

here is the deal

all of your problems are the result of two factors

pride and nature

that is it

there is nothing else

i take plenty of credit for the various other grounds on which you fail and become my slaves but the real facts are that i am not responsible i am just a beneficiary of your pathetic fallible human being tendencies and all those other grounds are really just subsets of pride and nature

but since you fuckers are so dense i suppose i ought to clarify that when i say pride i am not talking about gay pride

not that theres anything wrong with it

i love that there is this gay pride movement

i love all sin and anything that makes people feel better about sinning is damn straight up fine with me

the more guy on guy cock chugging competitions the better

come on over to the rainbow party

but i digress

the pride i am talking about is the machisom ego i wish i had the guts to do the right thing but since im such a weak pathetic human being im going to lash out and fight and fuss and bitch and moan and get my feelings hurt and do something stupid and sinful as a result just because otherwise i will feel like a complete loser and failure

like baron ectar

thats the kind of pride that leads to sin

i fucking love that kind of pride

without that kind of pride i wouldnt even hardly be a figment of your imagination

ok enough about pride

lets talk a bit about nature

nature doesnt actually cause people to sin

so in that sense nature and i arent in cahoots exactly

but luckily nature does cause enormous amounts of pain and suffering to humanity and for that reason i fucking love nature

down here in hell we all cherish sun worshippers and moon worshippers and guia worshippers and mud worshippers and all those ridiculous pagan god and nature worshipping fuckers

what a ridiculous bunch they are

and fuck a fallen angel in the ass am i glad there are fools like those people because they are my easiest prey

hell yea god doesn't want those idiots

but as far as nature goes life for you fuckers used to be so hard

you had crops to grow but nature would thumb her nose at you with a drought so you would starve en masse

beautiful

you had children and old people to shelter through the winter or summer and nature would fart in your general direction with temperatures and weather extremes so magnificent your grass huts or mud caves couldnt protect your weak people

fabulous

but then the fucking industrial revolution came around and ever since then you people have been continually making progress and building new things and coming up with new ideas and products that protect you and that reduce little by little baby step by baby step natures ability to kill you and maim you and leave you desolate in despair and basically make your lives a living hell

and the more hells the better i always say

but fuck a fallen angel in the ass am i glad that there are even bigger fools than the pagan god worshippers out there rabble rousing and doing everything they can to protect the earth from giant corporations or whatever other stupid expressions they use which is the same thing as signing death certificates for dozens of hundreds of thousands of millions of you people

im talking about greenpeace for example

or

dan crall

without fools like these it is entirely possible that in another century or two human beings would have basically solved your forever old problem of nature fucking things up for you and making you miserable

damn that would be boring

right now things are already plenty close to boring in the nature making people suffer category

its mostly poor people living in shitty countries or trailer parks who suffer from nature

and thats not even that fun for me

not that im complaining

i wouldnt give it up for fucks sake

but basically nature has already been reduced to fucking with people by surprise attack and surprise attack alone

shit like tornadoes and earthquakes and volcanos and hurricanes and tsunamis and of course my personal favorite forest fires

natures influence is way down otherwise over what it used to be

famine is not such a big deal

plagues are not such a big deal

natural disaster is way down on the list of things that kill people

unfortunately

so please remember to support your local environmentalist groups

they are natures only hope of regaining the upper hand

and they are my only hope of getting back to the good old days of watching you fools suffering along and starving and freezing and so on and so forth

titties and beer

2007-01-16T06:24:00.000-08:00

i am always on the lookout for new talent for hell

recently i stumbled across a deadly combo

two of my favorite things

titties and beer

obrien is that you
usually you give a little speech before one of your demonstrations

titties and beer

more marketing from hell

2007-01-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

recently i was sitting around in my underwear watching television in hell when i saw a news story about this

weight loss gods way

fat free 4 jesus

i am not making this shit up these are christian diets and my guess is that they have signs up at every wal mart in the entire country

while wal mart was my idea i have yet to see a cent from the waltons
just wait until they get here

actually i am not certain whether either one of these is the same exact diet that i saw on television while in my underwear but if neither of these are then it means that there is yet a third christian diet out there

scary

as you know hell has been going through a bit of a financial pinch lately and i know what fantastic marketing machines the christians can be

recently i have attempted to emulate them by marketing some of my own products but it has been damn tough competing with the holy water vial the prayer towel and the sand from jesus sandals

those christians know their target market sector

generally all my products have failed miserably except for some reason i sold two gross of those nasty little bostick things to some guy who lives in a little town on the coast of georgia

some people are still hung up on the whole satan stigma

go figure

anyway this christian diet thing gave me a great new idea

i am delighted to announce the opening my own chain of charlie manson weight loss clinics

come work out using the manson method

this is going to be huge provided we can get over some of the negative press that has already been circulating

kraft foods vs satan

dammit i wish i would have come up with cheez whiz

anyway hell can make a couple of bucks and at the same time get rid of a few of those fat fucks who have been taking the sloth and gluttony sermons a little too seriously

if you know what i mean

i have also been snapping up as many of these as i can from ebay so that i can autograph them cover them in goats blood and sell them for twice as much

satan-skull-3-d-tow-hitch-cover

based on the study conducted by my market research telemarketing firm there are roughly two million of those nasty little red neck buggers running around in their big ass pick up trucks making the sign of the devil and those greasy humans will love this shit

since telemarketing is mine you would think i would be better at this shit

you wouldnt believe how hard it is to be the lord of darkness and the prince of lies

i am willing to bet your soul that this guy will be the first one in line to buy the trailer hitch cover for his pick em up truck

friday entertainment

2007-01-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

godsnot voodoo

i want to welcome several new souls to the realm of the underworld and in their honor i offer you a little voodoo by godsnot

bostick please make the obligatory horns with your fingers and bang your head or something like that

or whatever it is that you half assed evil wannabes do when you are stoned out of your minds at a concert

if you are nice to this ole demon maybe i will post some slayer next time or perhaps even some winger or nelson

welcome
flc
plog bortland
skeet
crude virgin
the whizzing wizard

stop in and welcome them to hell

satan has been busy bitches

2007-01-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

while you pathetic minions trudge through your daily lives shoving your baron von rectal thermometers up your collective asses i am out busting my mine

i dont need your shit

i have very important work to do

i am a very successful leader of another plane of existence

a separate dimension of pain and suffering

as you may have heard i had some new guests move in to the underworld and i needed to get a couple of things lined up so i really dont appreciate all of the bullshit

satan where are you
satan come entertain us
satan why have you forsaken us

it isnt just business as usual when dignataries such as this arrive

this was a big one even for hell

it required some delicate preparation

we needed to prepare a variety of special little perks for this fella

i am now taking requests

if you have any good ideas for saddams personal hell please feel free to submit them and i will implement those ideas that please me the most

as i said above we had new guests

meaning more than one guest

so after preparing hell for saddams arrival we had a big kick ass concert performed by the godfather of soul

right after i collected his

we rocked hell for two solid days before we had to crash

even satan has his limits and the hardest working man in show business partied me into submission

satans got a brand new bag and this motha is kicking the underworld in the ass

as you know these things always come in threes

i got the first two easy

a giant chunk of my week involved working like hell to get the last one

i am pure evil but even i cant win em all

but in the wise words of meatloaf two out of three aint bad

baby we can talk all night
but that aint getting us nowhere

i wanted you
i needed you
but there aint no way im ever gonna lust you
now dont be sad
cus two out of three aint bad

new products offered from satans workshop

2006-12-18T19:33:00.000-08:00

the first six hundred sixty six purchasers get free shipping on the following monthly special

the baron rectal thermometer - $15.76

you may be asking how you can tell the difference between a baron oral thermometer and a baron rectal thermometer

the taste

the baron toilet plunger - $17.43

the good news is that it clears up a plugged up toilet

the bad news is that is spreads more shit than you had to begin with

ask satan saturday

2006-12-16T17:35:00.000-08:00

screw you

i know it is sunday already

i went on a bender and was pretty much passed out all day saturday so you get it today now shut the hell up and bow to the lord of the underworld

scottsdale girl

irritable bowel syndrom help me is not a question

the only question in your post was am i supposed to wait to post this

my advice is no

you should have posted your question yesterday and it should have been a question

you are now effed and will suffer with irritable bowel syndrom for the rest of your life

fortunately for you i happen to know that wont be much longer and then you will spend eternity with me and i have something much worse in store for you than irritable bowel syndrom

see you next week

now apologize cook me a nice meal and perform oral sex

tom bailey

you get one question and the first question you asked was are you having this questioning here on saturday because you know that was the original sabbath on purpose

my answer is no

i had it on saturday because it turns out that was convenient for the lord of the underworld

please stop trying to show everyone how brilliant you are and get with the program

you need to apologize to t for insulting his blog and then cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him

baron ectar

whenever i get my hands on a sick angel that will not follow directions i cut off its wings and drink its blood

now that technique doesnt work for everyone

you may want to tie the angel up and beat it until it is more submissive

ball gags are a good idea

then when you are finished torturing said angel apologize cook the angel a nice meal and perform oral sex on it

t your question was why do i collect souls is it a hobby thing

great question

some people collect stamps
some people collect coins
some people make pot holders

those people suck

i collect souls because collecting souls is a bloodsport

jesus and god are a tag team and they have been in a competition with me since the beginning of time

we have a one dollar bet on who can collect the most souls and i am going to beat those two pussies like a drum

i assure you that i am way ahead

now apologize to someone make them a nice meal and perform oral sex on them

enemy

not all cowboys are minions of mine although i am working on them

certainly the ones that compare women to steers are mine

especially the ones that use steers instead of women for certain activities

and i am not talking cheeseburgers

now you need to apologize to the cowboys cook them a nice meal and perform oral sex on them

whimsicalbedpan

holiday time is always stressful when it comes to spending time with family

dont be afraid to be selfish

my advice is to come home a day early apologize to your boyfriend cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him

chalice

you asked exactly what makes satan tick

that is a very difficult question and cannot be answered to the extent necessary in this post but suffice it to say that the primary thing that makes satan tick is a good apology a nice meal and oral sex

now make me tick baby

obrien

i do not paint my hooves

paint and nail polish are infammable or flammable

i can never get that straight

either way it means to burn although one looks like the negative of the other

the shit burns

so i dont use it

i have had a hoovicure once or twice when a big event was coming up and i can tell you that it looked positively stunning

when i used my hooves on myself it was almost like cheating on my own hooves

now obrien you need to apologize to satan cook him a nice meal and perform oral sex on him

crashtest dummy

you asked for advice for someone who fell into an artistic funk and is trying to mount a comedic comeback

there are two ways to go about this

first you can really dedicate yourself to the art and spend night and day day and night every waking moment working to improve yourself and your act

you can really hone you skills over the next several years with back breaking work unlimted effort

it will probably mean many sleepless nights riding in buses from town to town and eating cheap macaroni and cheese every night for dinner if you even can afford dinner

i mean it is going to take the ultimate amount of hard work and sacrifice

the second way is that you can sell me your soul and you will be a hit next week

its really up to you

now apologize to everyone who has ever been in your audience cook them a nice meal and perform oral sex on them

ask satan saturday

2006-12-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

what would satan do wednesday is dead and gone

but welcome in ask satan saturday

prepare your question and post it here

satan will give you

guidance and direction for your life
advice about love marriage and relationships
financial advice
information on how to be more like tom bailey

and will answer just about any other stupid or inane thing you come up with

i realize that you minions need my help and guidance and i am back in business

remember to buy my products and support hell and to tip your waiters and waitresses as they are working hard for all of us try the veal i will be here all week

positive message for tom bailey

2006-12-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

my eyes are open

i have been a negative nancy

this blog has been too full of negativity and lacks the power of positive thinking

so i have decided to turn over a new leaf make a fresh new start and realize the positive energy that flows through us all

please welcome satan claus

ho ho ho

i am here to give you all gifts

first go HERE and find out whether you have been naughty or nice

now we are having high energy positive fun

if you have been nice you may come back here and tell satan claus what you want

if you have been naughty feel free to contact me by email for personal attention to let me know what you really really want

and i do mean personal attention

obrien skip the test and email me and include a picture of you wearing the boots

enemy i will keep your correspondence on the down low so that your "BOYFRIEND" doesnt get suspicious

envy

2006-12-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

you envious bastards

you all want what i have

you want to be me

you covet

i dont blame you because as everyone can see i am amazing

but according to galatians five 21 from the king james version

envyings murders drunkenness revellings and such like
of the which I tell you before as I have also told you in time past
that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of god

has anyone actually seen the kingdom of god to know if it is even worth inheriting

you cant drink
you cant smoke
you cant have sex
you cant lust after things to have sex with
no good drugs

pretty much no fun at all

so let us revisit what we have learned

i am cool and you envy me
you are supposed to envy the kingdom of god
but the kingdom of god looks like it might suck

so jump on the satan bandwagon brothers and sisters and envy some shit that is cool

oh i will admit that i have plenty of envy in me and i even envy jesus and god once in a while

when i am nailing some chick like enemy of the public and she is really getting into it and then starts screamin

oh god or oh jesus that feels good

i get envious

after all i am doing all the work over here and those guys are getting the credit

and just once i would like someone to thank me after they make a touchdown

its always
i want to thank the one that made this touchdown possible
our lord jesus christ

who wouldnt get a little jazzed to hear that

honestly it would make my day to hear this one day

i want to thank the one that made this touchdown possible
satan the lord of the underworld
all powerful god of darkness
and ruler of all that is evil

now dont you think that would be cool to see on sportscenter

t o are you listening brotha

give me some props

give ole satan a shout out next time you are in the end zone

im not going to lie

envy is kind of cool and it is really cool to be envied

keep up the good work minions

by the way get your own

devil be gone satan bop bag

knock the crap out of satan for only $49.99

notice how satan always springs back

thanks for the idea benny hinn and hatinstupid

satans little workshop shop online

2006-12-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

pez - original shitty brown -- $12.98

pez - new satanic pink -- $14.34

t-shirts -- $22.50

satan bobblehead businessman - $19.99

almost new bostick buttplugs - $3.99

dont be a bostick

come shop in satans workshop

goodies in time for christmas

we are working on a new line of confections and tasty stocking stuffers

support hell

not shitty and lame

2006-12-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

hey minions and motherfuckers

jesus christ and his peeps raise all kinds of dough every year by passing around the collection plate

half of those bastards are bending young kids over and having their way with them

and you give them money

i also saw on tv some shit about the greatest gospel hits of all time

you people buy this shit

this one is called christian rock hits

isnt that an oxymoron

yet you buy this crap and feed money into the christian machine

i saw this one on tv just the other night

you people are sending in money to some ass clown that is selling you prayer towels

what the fuck do you do with these

wave them over your heads while watching the christian steelers play the christian packers in christian football

i dont get it

but you stupid bastards are buying it and those other stupid bastards on television selling it are making millions and millions of dollars

well i am not shitty and lame

i am not stupid

the budget has been a little tight in hell over the last couple of years due in large part to increased costs of fuel

so i am setting in motion my own exciting marketing program

just in time for christmas i give you this

buy some for stocking stuffers

get one for everyone on your shopping list

and know that the proceeds are going for the purpose of furthering my work

hopefully we will someday be able to build satans crystal palace

but until then help us keep the lights on by buying a couple of gross of these bad boys

remember hell and remember our motto

we are not shitty and lame

2006-12-03T20:08:00.000-08:00

jesus

something special for everything naughty

motherfucking wrath

2006-11-27T20:19:00.000-08:00

wrath

i feel it with every fiber of my being

i hate all of you bastards

the love of justice perverted to revenge and spite

the way that sounds makes my evil dick move

look at this shit

do you have any idea what this is

any idea at all

just guess you stupid prick

guess

i am waiting

it is the grapes of wrath

hahahahahahaha

i love a good sin joke as much as anybody

2006-11-19T20:08:00.000-08:00

finally a little positive feedback from you ungrateful bastards

i work my god damned hooves to the bone to bring you the good shit

and all i ever hear is repent

satan go home

satan leave this woman

i get sick and tired of that shit all the time

you try to spend an eternity with everyone on your ass blaming you for all the bad shit that you do to each other

so this makes me smile a litte demonic smile

apparently bostick thinks my posts suck

but the hairy little bastard keeps coming back for more

enemy of the state talks shit about me all the time

yet there she is once again leaving me messages aching for me to be inside her

i realize that you all feel compelled to push me away

no matter how bad you really want me

you will all do my bidding before your time is done and you will be delighted

you will thank me for the gifts that i have given

i have previously mentioned the dirty sanchez the filthy elvis the cincinnati bowtie the glass bottom boat

i didnt mention the chief joseph or the donkey punch

all mine all good naughty fun

everything naughty would you care to try to invent a few more special moves for the masses

i bet you could teach this ole demon a few new tricks

2006-11-17T18:13:00.000-08:00

um

every once in a while you regret winning that fiddle playing contest

sloth

2006-11-14T19:55:00.000-08:00

the deadly sin of sloth has changed in definition over time

dante referred to it as a failure to love god with all ones heart

it now just means that you are a lazy piece of shit

either way i like it

apathy ignorance and laziness

couple that with a little gluttony and you really have something

i fucking love sloth from the goonies

he takes this deadly sin and makes it adorable

he takes one of my top seven and makes it cuddly

chunk also kicks ass but that takes us back to gluttony again and we are trying to discuss sloth here motherfuckers

i command those of you whose souls i have collected to go out and commit random acts of sloth

find a sofa and sit on it

who gives a shit nobody gets hurt

right

sloth rocks

2006-11-09T20:45:00.000-08:00

satan didnt like it

satan didnt like it when you started singing

i hope he scored a little bush after this

Puppets In Satan's Service - Lick It Up

2006-10-31T19:34:00.000-08:00


puppets in satans service these little bastards rock lick it up bitches

take a look at my vitals you fuckers

2006-10-31T18:16:00.000-08:00

coiffure by telly savalas

horns by laura schlessinger

hooves by ferragamo

breath by butterfinger

chest hair by george the animal steele

charisma by don juan

vestment by yves saint-laurent

penis by excalibur

testicles by mamma's schweaty balls

ego by mt everest

hangover by patron

get bent with that fudge packer crack crap

fuck

the rumors about my sexuality are false

2006-10-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

oh i hear what you are all saying behind my back

i hear the snickers

the name calling

the taunting

that little bitch bostick has been circulating rumors that i pack fudge and so on and so forth

not true

fudge tends to melt at my very touch thereby making the packing of said fudge quite challenging
ok so i am a little effeminate and somewhat sensitive for a lord of the underworld

so sue me

i am certainly fabulous but i am not gay

ps the other night i was on bosticks page and he has an instant messenger doo hicky on which you can text message him

i think he was hitting on me

swear to god

of course i rejected his advances

that is probably why he is attacking me

home away from home

2006-10-23T15:33:00.000-07:00

i am sure you fuckers have all been wondering where i was all your lives

or at least the last four months of your lives

well wonder no longer

i was on vacation

in

you guessed it

death valley

home away from home

america is headed into the toilet

my work here is complete

you have all agreed that someday soon i can stick my fork in you

you are done

you begged me to do it and i will

when i get around to it

but for four months there i was away from all you fuckers living in the land my father and his father before him and his father before him promised me

greed

2006-10-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

sins of excess are my favorite

i like lust
gluttony is good

greed is like having a boner for benjamins

it is bling bling gluttony

dont listen to the church
they just want your dough
and guilt you in to trading it for your soul

the reason they want you to take a vow of poverty is because they want to build their dog an air conditioned dog house

doesnt your dog deserve air conditioning instead
keep it all for yourself

mine

this shit just keeps getting better

go get yourself that hummer or escalade

you deserve it

you earned it

flaunt it

conspicuous consumption shows the world that they are your bitch

get greed

gluttony is good

2006-10-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

gluttony

people just go ahead and shovel it in
more is never enough

just keep eating and drinking and eating and drinking

binge

gluttony is the best way to demonstrate that you absolutely refuse to share any of the worlds resources

your appetite for oil and the rest of the worlds resources is so deliciously gluttonous that my nipples become erect just thinking about it

dont you dare share that food with those less fortunate

people are dying in third world countries
who gives a shit

throw half of your dinner down the disposal
and then get more

gluttony is glamourous

it is mine

do everything to excess

drugs
booze
food
did i say drugs
consume consume consume consume

doesnt that feel good

you people are fantastic
your passions and delights inspire me

keep up your good work
and ill keep up mine

there go my nipples again

i like lust

2006-10-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

lust

according to one of my favorite groups the catholics lust means

the inordinate craving for or indulgence of the carnal pleasure which is experienced in the human organs of generation

the pope cracks my shit up when he comes up with this shit

what is an inordinate craving

clearly anything that gives you a boner erection chubby hard on stiffy woody pocket rocket or meat pole is bad

boner

that is mine

i came up with that

literally

punching their ticket

2006-06-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

this shit fucking pisses me off

bunch of hillbillies are mocking me

dont worry

ill get them in the end

click here for the details

bunch of fucking posers

this used to be one of my favorite towns

but i gotta tell you

i dont cotton to these fuckers commercializing me or my crib

no respect

no respect at all

ride wit me

2006-04-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

if you wanna go and take a ride wit me
we three-wheelin in the fo with the gold cds
oh why do i live this way

if you wanna go and get high wit me
smoke a l in the back of the benzy
oh why must i feel this way

so if shorty wanna knock we knockin to this
and if shorty wanna rock we rockin to this
and if shorty wanna pop we poppin the crist
shorty wanna see the ice then i ice the wrist
city talk satan listen
satan talk city listen
when i fuck fly bitches
when i walk pay attention
see the ice and the glist
niggaz starin or they diss
honies lookin all they wish

come on boo

gimme kiss

* * *

of course my car is red

of course my car is smokin hot

oh and of course my odometer always reads as depicted below

what did you expect

my life as a cervid

2006-03-27T05:47:00.000-08:00

i lust all of you fuckers but that doesnt seem to be enough to bring people in the door the past few weeks

i dont have a clue why but that is the facts

inventory is down

productivity is in the dumper

death isnt taking my calls anymore which is a real shame because for example look at this specimen pictured to the right

death cant come soon enough for this clown

first he is dressed in a red jacket

red is my color

he is mine

second he is clearly mocking me or if he is not aware that i am a cervid that is just his tough fucking luck

keep this in mind

i am a cervid

i am not a bovid

whenever death gets him i am going to pick his bones cleaner than clean

i will add them to my collection

i am up to warehouse 379 now

that picture above was taken a long long long long long time ago

and sorry i got carried away

i really meant to tell you about my life as a cervid

in the hopes that telling you fuckers a little bit more about me might help with recruitment

i cant believe my good looks and great sexual performance isnt enough

so i am a cervid

a lot of people get confused about this because dumb fuckers are always calling my antlers horns

well they are not horns

they are antlers

thats why you dont normally hear too much from me between valentines day and leprechaun day

my new antlers come in every year around then and i never have gotten over being embarrassed for the chicks to see me with that velvet crap still on them

so the thing to keep in mind here is sure i am a total badass and incredibly sexy and fantastic and cocksure of myself

but i have feelings too

and i have appearance anxieties too

just like you fuckers

dump that two pump chump

2006-03-23T07:45:00.000-08:00

ladies i woke up suddenly in the middle last night with a burst of inspiration for you

yes it was a little messy

but very satisfying

no seriously here is something important for you to keep in mind

there is a big difference between fucking a guy who can get the job done in less than a minute and fucking a guy who can not not get the job done in less than a minute

if you are hooking up with one of those in the latter camp dump that two pump chump and give me a call

or send him to me and i will make him an offer he cant refuse

clearing out some underbrush

2006-03-16T16:18:00.000-08:00

thought we should talk about music a little bit more

music is where i make most of my hay to tell you the truth

between the musicians desperate for fame and temporary fortune and the groupies begging for a chance to get looked in the eye by some sweaty wannabe rock star it is prime hunting grounds for me

i lust it

but i know some of you are probably confused about a few things you may have heard or seen or read down through the years

so anyway

first of all the band kiss is not mine

the initials in the name of the band do not stand for knights in satan's circle

i know how to fucking spell

come on already

and plus i have seen that gene simmons sucking at the teat of the virgin mother

he goes to church

disgusting

the band ac/dc is mine

i gave the guy his voice and the idea that he should name his band something shocking

do you get it

and i also gave him the idea that he should name his band something that the initials would demonstrate his allegiance to me

yes all children truly are my children

he gave his life to me much too early

we could have done so much more

but at least the band rocks on

the dead milkmen album beelzebubba was not my idea

i did not think it was funny

i do not appreciate references to my weight or social standing or heritage

it is not the easiest thing in the world to do to keep trim and fit when you are out scoring chicks at night and taking the souls of businessmen in exchange for a little minor accounting error and the like all day

so remember no more fucking jokes like calling me lard of the underworld

anyone flips me more shit like that gets uninvited to the party

and i do not wear overalls

fuck

the rolling stones song sympathy for the devil is fine by me and does a pretty good job of giving credit where credit is due

the only part of that song that bothers me is the idea of sympathy

mick and keith what the fuck guys

i was tighter with you guys than the jeans we painted on mick back in those days

and they still clearly did not have a clue

i am the man

i do not need sympathy

i will get you all

i lust you

see you in hell

the party is just getting started

a blog that sucks and i got tagged

2006-03-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

what in the hell is this

kingsley88

i think i just threw up a little bit in my mouth

i love that taste

i have been tagged

seven songs i am into

devil went down to georgia - charlie daniels band
sympathy for the devil - rolling stones
you light up my life - debbie boone
devil with a blue dress on - mitch ryder and the detroit lyrics
i got friends in low places - garth brooks
bohemian rhapsody - queen
copa cabana - barry manilow

fire fire fire fire fire fire fire

2006-03-06T18:57:00.000-08:00

and now that there's nothing left

just a hole above our heads

letting the sunshine in

that's how the end begins

with a forest fire

i love fire

a once in an eternity event

2006-03-02T01:37:00.000-08:00

i just pantsed god

i totally did

it was unfuckingbelievable

i have been trying to get that bastard almost literally forever

but you know how god and his boy jesus are always so casual running around naked or wearing nothing but baggy robes and fig leaves and shit

its hard to catch either one of them in anything else

well i got wind of this black tie party over at allah's place and i just had a hunch this might be my chance

so i got there early and hid out in the closet just down the hall from the bathroom

god showed up in a tux just as i had hoped and as usual he was hitting the wine and cheese pretty hard before the dinner even started

he is such a fucking lush

anyway there i am hiding out in the closet and sure enough about an hour into the party god comes down the hall goes into the bathroom and has this enormous piss and with all the farting he was doing from the cheese he pounded down it totally sounded like a thunderstorm in there

i almost got busted from laughing so hard at that old fuck farting and burping and pissing but i held it together just barely

so god comes out of the bathroom and walks past my closet

i materialize on the other side of the door and follow him down the hallway all quiet and shit

he gets to the ballroom and as i expected and as per usual he makes some giant pronouncement which nobody could understand because he was slurring so bad from all the vino

but everybody was watching him of course because fuck he is god after all

and then just as he got to the high point of his spiel i popped up off the floor and whipped up the tails on his tux and latched onto the waist of his pants and ripped those babies right down to his holier than thou ankles

he was wearing boxers with fucking cupids on them

fuck

so he spun around to smite me but quick as shit i materialized over by the front door to the party and flipped him the bird and skedaddled

oh man

i love it when dreams come true

sick and tired of this shit

2006-02-27T19:57:00.000-08:00

between this bitch

my brother carl

and that god damned cowbell gene that goes around pretending that he is running for satan

i am damn sick and tired of this shit

i gave you people everything

i gave you anal

i gave you oral

i gave you the dirty sanchez the hot carl the glass bottom boat and the vietnamese ham sandwich

meanwhile jesus christ tells you not to do that shit

then i get this shit

clowns walking around wanting to vote me out or get rid of me

what else can i do

how can i get you to love me

what else can i possibly give you to make you love me

fuck

dont call me stan

2006-02-23T17:00:00.000-08:00

one thing i fucking hate is when people call me stan

when i was in grade school the teacher would always take attendence the first day of school

when my name was called it was always misread as stan

then i would have to say it is pronounced satan

and she would apologize and all the kids would giggle

the next year the same thing would happen all over again

now i am grown up and the same shit still happens to me all the time

ill be waiting for a table at my neighborhood restaurant and the host or hostess will be calling out names and will say table for stan

when this happened last friday i went apeshit and roasted the little bitch right where she stood

needless to say i am never allowed back in that restaurant

dont fucking call me stan

on the continent of the incontinent

2006-02-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

i fucking love europe

especially french people

french people are mine

especially the ones that leave their dog shit all over the streets

paris is great for this

i love to sit at a sidewalk cafe in paris and watch people come around a corner and step in dog shit

give me a glass of wine and a sharp busy corner on the edge of an apartment district with a bunch of dog owners living there next to a restaurant district with a bunch of tourists eating there and i am totally in hell

living the dream

hell is where the good times roll

the one that got away

2006-02-19T00:02:00.000-08:00

this is the story of the one that got away

fucking al green

during the 1970s i had him dead to rights

thanks to me he got more tang than the astronauts

thanks to me he got more fairy tail than grimm

thanks to me he got more pelt than kit carson

thanks to me he was laying more pipe than halliburton

and this is what that fucker looked like

he was rich and fucking a ton and successful as hell and loving it

and it was all because of me

i did that for him

but then i got marvin gaye shot to death by his own father

marvin had sort of stopped listening to me as much

and he was starting to get demanding and i was just sick of his shit

also it was supposed to help al green and his career

one less soul singer equals less competition was the thinking

that is why i did it

but did al see it that way

no fucking way

anyway so marvin gets killed and that pathetic bitch al green got scared

that chickenshit al green ran to jesus

fuck

and now he is always singing about jesus this and the lord that

i could just fucking puke

i gave that fucking al green the world and he handed me a shit sandwich

looks like i gave my orders to the wrong daddy

no way mg would have punked me

on health and hygiene

2006-02-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

i hate dental hygienists

i hate fluoride

i love partially hydrogenated

it took me forever to come up with trans fat

then i finally get you people to put it in everything and now youre taking it out again

im tired

and fuck those yoga people

fuck snoopy

that doesnt have anything to do with hygiene

I just like saying it fuck snoopy

sometimes i do little things just to fuck around

like persistent dandruff and canker sores and toenail fungus

venereal warts were sort of counter productive but too much fun to resist

all that aromatherapy shit sucks

i love colostomy bags

i hate purell hand sanitizer and clorox bleach and deodorant

kittens taste better with cheez whiz

especially this one

happy anti-valentines day

2006-02-15T16:56:00.000-08:00

yesterday was valentines day

everyone was all i love you and shit

i fucking hate valentines day

today is anti-valentines day and i want you to be my anti-valentine

i want to give you a pearl necklace for this special occasion

would you like to go to this party with me

or shall we just go to your place and get evil

i lust you

wal-mart is mine

2006-02-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

i made wal-mart

what a dream i had

2006-02-13T12:52:00.000-08:00

i had a dream yesterday afternoon because i don't sleep at night

i buy souls at night

i was in a park with green grass and there was blue sky and there were flowers on the trees

there was a pretty pond off in the distance and it looked kind of like this picture i found

i did not enjoy this part of the dream

i do not enjoy pretty scenery

i think it was in north carolina or something

i hate green grass and water and ponds unless someone is drowning in one then i like ponds

i was naked but i am always naked

a bus drove by and one of the people on the bus saw me but since i did not like the way he looked at me i made an armored car driver have a seizure and he crashed into the bus and everybody on the bus died including the person who looked at me in the way i did not like

it was fantastic

of course i do not really have the power to make people fall asleep

my powers are limited

i can only make people fall in love with me

but back to the dream

shannon was there and so was psychic dumb dumb

psychic dumb dumb had part of shannon in her mouth

a good part

i loved that part of the dream

tonight i am going out on the town

drop me a note and tell me where to find you and i will be there

of course even if you do not drop me a note i will find you anyway

i am satan

i never get enough of this guy

2006-02-13T08:47:00.000-08:00

i love this guy

he is a fucking genius in my world

he loves to kill shit and blow shit up

and now this

cheney shoots hunting buddy

dick

he traded his soul to me for fifty shares of halliburton stock

worst deal i ever made since i would have easily taken it later for free and now that stock is worth some real cash thanks to his never ending efforts to turn human lives into halliburton gold

i am going to challenge him to a fiddle playing contest in which i get the stock if i win and he gets his soul back if he wins

although he probably wont take that bet because his soul isnt worth two shits

oh well i need to get back to corrupting nuns and stuff and of course defiling erin obrien

how evil are you

2006-02-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

How evil are you?

i knew it

i am not evil

i am merely insane

eveyone has been calling me evil for as long as i can remember

nobody understands me

wwsd wednesday

2006-02-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

sausage/ihatesausage/artistformerlyknownassausage asked

I started a cult and because it wasn't an "organized religion," the stupid followers thought they could make suggestions and shit. My question is, how do I get them to kill themselves without having to be all charming? Oh, and where do I find a 5 gallon bucket of poison?

*********************************************************************************
sausage i face this dilemma daily

i get behind thee can sometimes be a total pain in the ass with all of his stupid suggestions on how to run hell better

then i get screwballs that want to run against me in elections for satan

this is an unavoidable problem when you are the leader of any sort of religious antireligious or cult group

they think they are being helpful by offering up suggestions and just dont realize that we really dont give a fuck if things run better as long as they run our way

all you can do is keep your pimp hand strong

the second part of your question is much more difficutl

how do you get them to kill themselves without being charming

as you can see i am charming

while in the recruiting stage you have to be charming

there is no substitute

once you have them in your possession or under your control you can shut the charm off and use intimidation and humiliation as effective tools to accomplish your bidding

i suggest you apply the fake charm for a while and then test their dedication by asking your followers to do something horrible that they wouldnt otherwise do

if they do it then they are completely under your control and you can give up the charm charade

if they do not do it then you may need to continue the charade a little longer perhaps declare a couple of the more cooperative ones as your deputies so that the others think that there is upward mobility

once you have an organizational structure including your cooperative deputies in place convince the deputies to carry out your dirty work for a while

soon you will have your minions completely under your control and then you can do with them as you wish

but clearly charm and charisma are necessary evils to achieve your goals

once you get to this point you dont need to worry about how to get a five gallon bucket of poison

just tell one of your deputies to hook the hose up to the cultmobile and herd everyone into the garage

good luck with your cult and i suggest getting ordained on the internet so that you can take all of the income as a tax deduction

Ooops - did I do that

2006-02-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

i talk a guy into drawing a couple of cartoons and all hell breaks loose

damn i am good

next i get some muslim dudes to call all of you a bunch of infidels and the next thing you know i have all of you killing each other in the name of religion

dance puppets

you are all mine

TGIF...IGBT Style Dawg!

2006-02-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

Satan's hung over from a huge croquet torney we hit yesterday; you should see the MILF rolling knee deep at these croquet tournies. Damn!

Anyhow, since Satan is currently kneeling to the porcelain anti-christ, I'm up in this beeotch! I'm runnin this shizzneat for the day. Ladies, lemme hear ya!

Look at my delicious mini-horns. Check out my dope loin cloth. You think anyone wants a roundhouse to the face while I'm wearin these bad boys? Forget about it!

OK, which honey shall I get behind first? Say 'Daddy'!

The Tree of Knowledge - WWSD Wednesday

2006-01-31T20:08:00.000-08:00

welcome to the tree of knowledge

have a bite

it is time for what would satan do wednesday

lets start off with calzone

**************************************************
calzone asked

Why the fuck do I sit here covered in blood night after fucking night with a disemboweled dead virgin in my lap calling your name and you never fucking show?

----------------------------------------------------------

great question calzone

as you know i am very busy corrupting souls and playing in fiddle competitions
it isnt always easy for me to drop what i am doing to run to a summoning using a disemboweled dead virgin

but if my presence is required or if there are really good drugs and hot tail available then i suggest adding a pentagram drawn in blood and a little incense

my latin is rusty so stick to george w bushs native language please

********************************************************

ihatesausage asked

who gets Hasselhoff?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

the guy cant sing much less play the fiddle

i smoked his ass and he is mine

after all he is huge in germany and you know how many german bastards that are mine

********************************************************

melanhead asked

Do I have to masturbate every day to secure a spot? What about the days when I'm on the rag? I don't like getting pulpy blood on my fingers.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

wear mittens

sometimes a solid fisting in your own ass will serve as an adequate substitute but certainly do not miss a day

***********************************************************
jesus christ asked

Dude, are you ever going to hit us up on the email?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

no

*********************************************************
psychic dumb dumb asked

Does swallowing as opposed to spitting heighten my chances into hell?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

great question psychic dumb dumg

swallowing as opposed to spitting does not necessarily heighten your chances of getting into hell

however swallowing as opposed to spitting insures my chances of being in heaven

**********************************************************
nowhere girl asked

I had the most disturbing dream last night regarding oral sex and a family member. Ugghhh. I hate that. I'm going to hell, aren't I?!

My brother, though he kept morphing into someone else. I don't know who, though I think it's this guy who works at Walgreens. Anyhoo, I was performing it. My husband kept walking by, putting away groceries

------------------------------------------------------------------

thought about it again and yep that is even fucked up for me

*********************************************************

captain carl action figure asked

ARRR....how do I be keepin my plastic dick from meltin down here?......

-----------------------------------------------------------------

soak it in cider

get it

in cider

say it fast

hee hee hee

***********************************************************

i couldn't get to all of them and damn you for thinking that i would

consult the dark forces - what would satan do

2006-01-30T19:41:00.000-08:00

it is that time of the week again

i get behind thee and i are here and are ready to field questions regarding your daily life

this week, we will select one or two questions

last week was too much damn work

ask us a question and we will provide an answer that should help you earn your way into hell

remember getting into hell is never a sure thing so it is important that you start living your life the right way to make certain that your place there is secured

if you don't plan ahead then you may have to lose a fiddle playing contest to get in and to be honest i am not that good if i dont have the band of demons joining in to make an evil hiss

Hell Convention and Visitors Bureau

2006-01-28T22:26:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Hell, the Underworld's largest region. Where blue skies don't exist and there are miles of flaming beaches along the fiery seas of lava creating a gentle Mediterranean climate which begs for a day of everything and nothing. Bordered by Mexico, the Middle East, Somalia and the Sudan, Hell's infinite square miles offer immense options for business and pleasure.

Visitor Information: General Visitors Information for Hell - tips and information on Hell.

Free Vacation Planning and Tips: Vacation in Hell yes you will be in Hell.

Where to Stay: Hotel Hell - check out anytime you like but you can never leave.

Things to do:
Torture Museum
Elvis Performing Nightly
Dante's - Nine Levels of Shopping

Getting Around: Charon's River Shuttle Service

Dining and Nightlife:
Mexican
Diners
Fine Dining

tagged weird habits

2006-01-26T18:57:00.000-08:00

i cant dance very well because i have two left hooves

but the babes dig me

mostly because oral sex was my idea

but they also know that i can party my evil ass off

you dont see jesus christ dancing in fact jesus christs people tried to keep ren maccormick from dancing when he moved to bomont

but i say lets dance

ok i have been tagged by the evil and sometimes naked erin obrien

here are my five weird habits

i collect hummel figurines those damn things are so fucking cute i cant control myself
i probably have three hundred of them and i get behind thee gets pissed everytime i buy another one
he hates dusting them

i frequently masturbate while looking at pictures or thinking about the virgin mary
jesus christ your mom is a total milf

i like to light my farts on fire

it is really easy to do in hell

you pretty much just fart and this giant flame shoots out of your ass

i love the movie alien and so sometimes when i am bored and lonely i will suddenly pop out of someones belly and scare the shit out of them just for fun

i like to hang out with the pope and try to make him eat gouda cheese

he is lactose intolerant

then later we light each others farts on fire

i love that fucking hat and he never lets me wear it

tagged by satan

commanded by satan to complete the following task or suffer eternal damnation

"The first player of this game starts with the topic 'five weird habits' and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You have been tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours."

WWSD WEDNESDAY

2006-01-24T20:43:00.000-08:00

Shannon said...
What plans?
************************
satans response
shannon i think i answered this one already but i have some plans to make you my sweetie

of course i would still have a few other sweeties because i am satan and stuff but you would be like my main sweetie

------------------------------------------------

ing said...

Okay, Satan, this has been bothering me for days, and I can't sleep until I solve it:

A train departs London, England at exactly 0200 hours GMT and runs SSE,going 90 KM/H. At exactly 0200 a train departs Chengdu, China, going 130li/h. Each train, by coincidence, contains 503 passengers. Half of the passengers on the London train are sailors in the Royal British Navy, while one quarter of the passengers on the Chinese train are wearing sailor hats, despite that they are civilians.

One of the trains hits a cow.

Which train was it?

************************
satans response

it was the train that i get behind thee and i are going to pull on your ass mama

just kidding

it was the train that left london

the train that left chengdu china would have hit a MU NIU

assuming you were in a region with the mandarin dialect

------------------------------------------------

IHateSausage said...

My question is...are you going to punish me for taking all your pills? (Please?)
You know the ones...you left them here when we where playingfist-in-the-dark?
I'll be waiting when Shannon leaves you with a firey case of blue-balls.

************************

satans response
i knew you were going to take those pills ihatesausage

thats why i switched em with jungle janes cat laxatives

i am the lord of evil

i wasnt born yesterday

thank you for thinking about my balls

------------------------------------------------

jungle jane said...

hey gang! has anyone seen my cat's laxatives? little pills? i thought i mebbe left them over here at Satan's place?

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i get behind thees response

Jungle Jane--I wondered why no one was touching the coffee in the breakroom this morning. Satan usually has a cup at 8 and takes a dump at 8:30 every morning, but he was in the head for 2 hours today. I also wondered why he was clawing the corner of one of the couches this morning. Also explains why the girl we offered what we thought was x to, pooped in the Hell Hummer the other nite.

satans response

now lets see i thought ihatesausage took em when we were playing fist in the dark dammit i switched the x with those other pills and then put the first pills on the...

shit i screwed up and put those cat laxatives in my arse

is that why i spent all day on the crapper and then kept trying to cover it up with sand

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IHateSausage said...

Fuck you Jane! It's a good thing I can use the laptop on the jon so I can tell you how wicked you are! Kudos, wish I'd thought of it.

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satans response

damn it i get behind thee this isnt even a question did you read this shit or what

but it is sort of interesting to know ihate sausage blogs on the shitter

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Lady Hearteater said...

DUDE. I'm with you. JC won't even put out the food and wine and shit, let alone his stash. I KNOW that fucker is holding. What sort of host is he? I would still welcome him, as all are welcome.

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satans response

hes a crummy host

i get behind thee remember that one time hundreds of people got together with him to listen to a speech and he had pounded down all the wine except one jug and ate all the fish except two and almost all the bread

then they came to him to perform a miracle and all he did was stick a fingerdown his throat and vomit and said look theres enough for everyone

that jackass sat there and laughed while everyone ate his vomit and then took credit for it like it was some sort of a miracle

you gotta watch out for that guy

he is full of shit half the time an stoned the other half

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ing said...

Really? In my case, Jeezy has been pretty generous with his stash (AND his apostle). He gave me these little pills. . .

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satans response

yes really

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Shannon said...

"Erin you are right why am i wasting time with these trollops when i could be knocking boots with you

looked at your erin obrien naked link

you are evil

if you showed me more i would be in heaven"

I am appalled!! Now you know why I didn't show up last night for our date! I would tell you to go to hell but that's like telling Mickey Mouse to go to Disneyland!! My question is why do you speak about ladies this way? I thought you turned over a new leaf.. it's a sad day.. I cannot forgive such evilness..

************************

satans response

cmon baby i am satan

i have an image to uphold

this is just business and i gotta keep my pimp hand strong

it dont mean nothing

lets you and me get together later and talk about this

if i cant be evil then i am not going to remain lord of the underworld for very long now am i and then i wont have all those nice things you want like hummer limos and krystal

remember all the good times we had baby we need to get away from all this shit and just work on our relationship

i lust you

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jungle jane said...

Shannon are you saying that Mickey Mouse is in fact Satan? Wow! and here was me thinking Satan was actually Santa!

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satans response

it looks like this is really a question for shannon instead of for satan

jungle jane did you miss the damn point here t

his is ask questions to satan not shannon do i need to show you the pimp hand

you will find the taste of the back of my hand most displeasing

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RoxiMoon said...

sounds interesting.. can you awnser me a question then.. why the fuck are we still wearing underwear.. I mean really.. I dont think underwear has a real purpose but to slow things down.... wait.. there is a purpose for men to wear them.. skid marks.. but us ladies barely wear anything anyway.. I think all women.. (( hot ones only)) should be able to go around naked..

************************

i get behind thees response

RoxiMoron--Underwear is Jesus' fault; he created it and his Dad madeAdam and Eve blush when he probed Adam in the Garden of Eden. As anaside, we were rolling with him and his crew in SoBeach two years ago,and when the wind whipped his robe up, I saw his drawers. Pretty filthytighty whities with a nasty chockie running down the back. Underwearserve no purpose, other than to keep the ladies from getting a smooth view of the behind of I Get Behind Thee and helping to protect Master Nibblet from the ravages of rough jeans and other fabrics. But not like100% cotton boxers are that soft either. The better question is why dosocial norms require me to wash my hands after touching my schlong? I mean, I clean it in the shower (really, that's just cleaning I swear), then put him in my clean boxers where he rests all day, waiting tospring on the ladies after dark. He's way cleaner than my hands,touching filthy stuff all day. Ladies, from now on, when we meet, I will introduce myself and ask you to shake my hog.

satans response

roximoon women need to wear underwear also otherwise we will be able to track you by your slime trail sort of like a banana slug

in addition to the skid mark issue men wear underwear to keep their balls from flopping too much

there is a delicate balance of nature you do not want your balls to be too tight but you cant have them just flopping around either

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LBseahag said...

Is he speaking portuguese?

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satans response

i get portuguese spanish italian confused but i think it is mandarin chinese

by the way mu niu is mandarin chinese for cow

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Bill the Apostle said...Satan...why didnt you tell me you had herpes?

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ummm shannon theres something i need to tell you

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captain carl said...

Arr...T' be about time Satan got a friend. Now they can play naughty witheach other. Here be the Capt's question

What do ye want to burn Men's Souls for?...Why not give everybody ice cream.

************************

satans answer
captain carl joined the legions of hell this week
he now knows first hand the wonders of hell

burning mens souls is what i do
i am satan
i started burning souls shortly after becoming a fallen angel

and i was good at it
i now have your soul captain carl
and you shall get no ice cream

in hell ice cream lasts for less than the time apostle bill can stay on his bull

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Lady Hearteater said...Why am I suddenly VERY thirsty when I come here?

***********************
satans response

you are thirsty for truth lady hearteater

you have been drinking from the fountain of jesus christ and bill the apostle for far too long and it has left you thirsty

you have been fed the lies from those like pat robertson for far too long and it has left you wanting

either that or it is just hotter than shit down here

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DorianGray1854 said...

How come man is so devoted to material possesions, and if you can answerthat, then why do some chics taste like green apple Jolly Ranchers and how come that damn owl feels the need to fuck with everyone and just bite into the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? Oh yeah and why don't you get a free one anymore if you find the indianshooting the star?***********************
satans answer
greed is mine
jesus christ says share your shit but you people dont listen i love that about you

some chics taste like green apple jolly ranchers to symbolize the fall of man in the garden of eden
when that sneaky eve talked adam into tasting the apple the taste of that apple stayed with her to symbolize her evil act
oh that and they got periods
some girls taste like green apple jolly ranchers due to the new green apple jolly rancher summers eve line of products now available at your local target store

owls do not have adequate tongues for licking
trust me
the last time i got a blowjob from an owl it was awful
three licks and the fucker bit me

douche they never actually gave out free tootsie pops that was an urban myth created to make dumb fucks like you look like dumb fucks

whammy

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Polyman2 said...

umm, Satan?

Is it true that if you must choosebetween 2 evils,then pick the one you'venever tried before?

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satans answer
pick both
why choose between them
i never said you had to choose
i say take two

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ing said...

Woah, Satan/Santa said he was going to be distributing advice, and now Janeis distributing advice, which -- and I'm no good at algebra -- means thatJane is Satan and Santa.

Right?

And Omar, I wish you hadn't swiped those pills Jesus gave me. Before yougobbled them up, I was going to return them. And now I suppose you'll notonly have to answer to Jane for the theft, but to SATAN, LORD OF BRIMSTONEAND ETERNAL TORTURE, MWA HA HA HA ha ha harrrr. . .

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satans answer
right

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ing said...

Also, was Charles Manson really Jesus, or did he just say that so everyonewould love him?

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satans answer
charles manson said that he was jesus because he thought it would get him chicks
he got squeeky fromme
have you seen her
thats the kind of chicks that jesus christ pulls
he talks shit and pulls in skank nothing but skank

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ing said...

And why is the sky blue?

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satans answer
what you see is the underside of gods balls
god is in heaven
god gets no lovin or at least not the right kind of lovin

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ing said...

Because of you?

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satans answer

hell no
he has blue balls because of his personality
you ever talk to god
total stick up his ass
jesus christ talks the talk but he dont walk the walk
god is always all serious and shit and the chicks just dont have any interest
plus he is old

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ing said...

Have you ever eaten fondúe?

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satans answer

in hell everytime i have a hershey bar it is fondue
same with cheese
we almost always eat fondue
we sometimes fondue the body of christ

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ing said...

Do you shop at J. Crew?

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satans answer

sometimes
satan is somewhat of a metrosexual
if i had hair i would joodge it

ing do you have a fucking life

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ing said...

Me too.

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satans answer
huh

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Jasmine said...

I will swim miles to see you.

Want to play?

::wink::

Jaz

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satans answer

ok jaz you creep me out just a little bit
i do not want to play
i want to burn your ass over fiery coals
how do you like that game you fishy little wench

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Polyman2 said...

Yo Satan,

How do feel about oysters,

are they evil?

************************
satans answer

hells yeah oysters are evil
they make you want to hump
anything that adds to your temptation is good stuff
plus they remind me of chicks especially the atlantic bearded clam

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RoxiMoon said...

take it the fuck off baby!OHH yeah..oh.. and by the way..jane honey.. I found your cats pills but now I cant find my dogs sopositories.. you know.. satan thought those felt real good..have you seen them jane?

btw.. satan.. I love your scaly strachy skin.. almost works better then myrazor at getting the hair off.. and it dosnt grow back right away! who said I need eyebrows.

************************
satans answer
jane has been inserting them into her arse
i am still trying to figure out what an arse is

you do not need eyebrows they just burn off anyway

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drunkbh said...

If you can't beat off with hooves, why don't you change one to a hand atleast until the deed is done?

************************

i get behind thees response

Drunkbh-I in fact CAN smack it around with my hooves, you just have tobe careful and use lots of lotion. The good news is Satan and I rarelyhave to resort to Solitaire given our prowess with mortal babes. Butyes, once last year, S, I and all the minions come home flat out of ass.Bars in Milwaukee are like 80/20 guys/girls and we came up empty. Theworst part was Satan walked into the john on me while I was goin totown. He took pics and gave me shit for like two weeks. As if hewasn't choking his chicken in his room! The nerve. It also helps touse a lanolin-based penis cream a few times a day to help keep El GrandeWorme from getting too beat up.

satans response

i am satan
i can change to a snake but then i have no hands at all
it does feel good to rub across the ground for a while though
besides sometimes i get behind thee gives me a helping hand

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Shannon said...

Umm my last questions would be...

Why do birds sing so gay?

Do lawyers really go to hell?

Why do men totally suck azz?

Please answer these questions in the order they were received,*Psst answermine first* Thanks!

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satans answer

jesus made them gay i made them shit on your car

i can absolutely assure you that lawyers go to hell that is an absolute certainty
i have never been so sure of anything ever
every lawyer is mine

i cant tell you why all men totally suck azz but this dude right here would totally suck your azz
oh baby you know what you do to me when you start talking about azz
i lose it

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Nowhere Girl said...

Satan- I haven't gotten a dose of your evil in a few days. Boo hoo. Poor me... =(Guess I haven't been naughty enough?!

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satans answer

dont sell yourself short nowhere girl you have stored up plenty of naughty points

you are mine

you will be mine for eternity

i have others out there that are pure and innocent

it is sort of my job to corrupt them

spending time trying to corrupt you is sort of like spending time trying to make hell hot

been there done that

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shit this was a lot of work

satan has bitches that need his attention

i get behind thee next time we need to pick like one question to answer

also we should select one question that will assist these pathetic pukes with their daily lives

satan lusts you

2006-01-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

dark sided

watch the video

i love this thing

i love watching people like this go apeshit because they meet someone that doesn't follow jesus christ around all day long

they scream and judge people and generally treat people like trash in the name of being warriors of god

i watch this like ten times a day and laugh so hard i piss myself and put out half the fires in hell

i get behind thee and i had tears running down our faces earlier today while we were going through your questions

the funniest part of this shit is that she doesnt know it yet but shes mine

i cant wait to see the look on this ones face when she shows up at my door

the gargoyles will seem like they were a picnic

these are my favorites they provide the most entertainment when the hit the gates of hell all of their repenting and shit and they dont even know it is too late at this point

they dont even realize why they come to me

i get behind thee and i are working on some eternal punishments for this one it is going to be an absolute scream

for her

any suggestions

by the way we got a lot of questions so this is what we are going to do

i get behind thee and i are working on them and we are going to post the answers tomorrow on consult the dark forces or wwsdw - what would satan do wednesday

2006-01-20T21:07:00.000-08:00

i would like to introduce my number one henchman and head minion

i get behind thee

this dude has been my constant companion since being evicted from heaven

i would not want to be a fallen angel with anyone else

im tellin you that if i was maverick this would be my goose and on many occasions it has been

in this business there are not many people you can really trust but i get behind thee would bend over backwards for me

he would also bend over forward for me and probably get down on his knees for me

he is actually just a little bit creepy but he has been around so long that i would miss him if he ever stopped coming around

i get behind thee you complete me

today it became painfully obvious that you are all a bunch of pathetic fucks that can barely wipe your own asses without getting advice

so i get behind thee and i had a great idea for a weekly blog entry

we shall call it

consult the dark forces

between now and monday we will collect all of your questions and then i get behind thee and i will answer which ever ones we damn feel like answering

if your question is not worthy it will be ignored

if you have a good question we will take the time to carefully consider the question and then craft an answer that will assist you with your daily life

consider this our gift to you

you may start leaving your questions now

shannon baby i am almost done here i will be there in just a few minutes

i got me some plans for that sassy tart

2006-01-19T19:28:00.000-08:00

this is what they always say about me

they say i hate you

i get nothing but bad press and negative stuff said about me

i am tired of that crap

look around you i clearly love you people

i made all the stuff you really want in life

money and greed lust and sex gluttony coveting your neighbors wife and ass and wifes ass

you all like it you all love it you all constantly use these gifts i gave to you yet all i ever get is satan is bad satan is evil

shannon doesnt want to be seen with me cuz you all talk shit about me all the time

meanwhile he gets this

sometimes it makes me want to explode and release a pestilence upon the world

jesus loves me
jesus loves you
jesus loves us
jesus loves kittens

bullshit

youve met the guy

why does everyone think i am such a bad guy

i love you i want you to come spend eternity with me
i love kittens they taste almost as good as baby seal

all i want is a little lovin

can i have a hug

2006-01-17T18:26:00.000-08:00

why do women love jesus christ

because he was hung like this

this picture stolen from jesus toast jesus toast

2006-01-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

my life as lord of the underworld is pretty cool

I pretty much do whatever i want as i make efforts to further my goal of dominating the universe and bringing gods rule of heaven to an end

im pretty damn good at it too

but some things about it kind of suck ive said many times that i have given you greedy bastards some pretty damn good stuff

i have given you porn - everybody loves porn

i brought you sex - not missionary sex but the good stuff including vibrators dildos anal beads double headed dildos little butterfly things that sit on your clitoris lubrications and

i have given you filthy dirty butt sex - see also porn and sex

i have brought you greed pride envy gluttony lust sloth and wrath - all quality fun

i have brought you possession - without that no good horror movies

i gave you priests that fondle small boys - screwing the catholic church

rumor has it i built hadrians wall - i will neither confirm nor deny that

but as i have mentioned on many of your blogs while god may have created stuff i took that stuff and made it good i made it fun i made it cool

according to the book of john 12:31 i am even considered the prince of the world

can someone please explain to me that if i am the prince of the world and if i brought to all of you humans these wonderful gifts why doesnt anyone ever scream out my name while they are fucking

just once i want to hear

oh my satan this is so fucking good oh satan oh satan oh satan holy shit mother fucking satan is this good

just once

2006-01-15T00:49:00.000-08:00

mine

jesus christs

mine

jesus christs

i think the choice is clear

jesus christ i challenge you to respond to this

you cannot compete with the quality of tail i am pulling in hell

ugly people dont sin because nobody wants to sin with them

you want a shot at angelina or do you want to hang around with those nuns

2006-01-14T14:02:00.000-08:00

WELCOME TO HELL

stay a while

stay for eternity